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The Joys of Raising a Teenage Daughter

If someone were to ask me if I were honestly happy with my life and all that I have accomplished, I would have to say yes. Oh sure, there are days I am not too impressed with my life, like when my teenage daughter throws one of her hissy fits about something I have done, her stepfather has done, or her little sister has done, but, I try to remember she is 14 going on 30. Any parent of a teenage daughter knows what I am talking about. My wonderful, sweet, charming, beautiful little girl went to sleep one night and woke up the next morning a moody, opinionated, “I hate EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in my family” teenager. Oh I know she doesn’t actually hate us, she just wishes we would fall off the face of the earth for a few years. Now, the one thing I have trouble with about this entire process is, she never asked for permission to make these changes. She just up and decided one day she would become a teenager.

I had always prided myself on the fact that my daughter and I were buddies, truly enjoying each other’s company and doing all kinds of things together. She always came to me with problems and I would always help her deal with them or help her fix them. I also liked the fact that my sweet little girl let me dress her in the most beautiful, cutesy, frou-frou outfits, all ribbons and lace and never once complain. But now I know the truth. She was just setting me up! It’s a gene in ALL girls that doesn’t actually start working until around the age of 12. They let their family think they are a part of the family, actually an active participant, and then BAM they turn into teenage girls overnight! OH MY GOD! My mother never told me about this. I never took any classes in school preparing me for this. Nobody ever warned me about teenage hormonal mood swings though I do vaguely remember my own mother muttering under her breath something along the lines of “just wait until you have daughters”. Now, I totally understand what she was talking about. She wasn’t just talking to herself and going crazy like I always told my friends. She just needed a halfway intelligent conversation and the only thing around at the time was a teenage daughter. Specifically, me! I only have one thing to say about this. Mom, I am SOOOO sorry. Please forgive me.

I honestly think there should be ongoing, never ending to infinity classes that parents are required to take in order to help prepare them and deal with the ever changing moods of a teenage daughter. Though, I’m not too sure who could teach such a class. There is no professional who could teach it. I am of the firm belief that all the so-called “experts” who tell you how to raise your kids obviously have NEVER been around a teenage daughter. How could they? I’ve never seen any experts give the advice of “lock them in their rooms and ground them until they are 35”. I have seen advice on how to handle the situation when the child talks back to the parent but I have NEVER seen any “expert” give you really GOOD advice. Like, if your teenager mouths back at you, duct tape their mouths shut! I am a firm believer that a roll of duct tape can fix ANYTHING! If it is broke, duct tape it. If it squeaks, duct tape it. If it leaks, duct tape it. AND, if it mouths, duct tape it. They now make duct tape in very fashionable, designer colors so you will never have to worry about the color not matching her $50.00 T-shirt she just “had to have”. She can never accuse you of not caring about her because you were concerned enough to get matching colors.

I am still lucky though as I still have an 11-year-old daughter who lets me believe she likes me. Yes, I know it is just a matter of time before I wake up one morning and I have yet another teenage monster in my house. I know the time is just around the corner. But, just let me dream for a while longer. The land of make believe is a wonderful place.

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thank you for this article, I just came online to cry about how my great friend, my daughter, who is now 16, has been telling her father how much she hates me and I was feeling totally isolated, unloved by all my family, etc, but this article has given me something to laugh about, unfortunately my husband believes everything his little princess tells him, so I guess I will have to be the wicked witch for the time being, until my beautiful daughter returns to her "normal" self, probably 10 years or so !

Karon

Amen....

kmac

I have a daughter that turned 18. She is now in University, but I have had many incidents with her attitudes, lippiness and moodiness. However, things do change as they mature in a positive way.

m

I have an 18 year old daughter who, for the most part, is a good kid. She's talented, smart, got a big heart. But she's driving me NUTS... There are times I wish to God that LJ, Zanga, MySpace, etc had never been invented and all that existed were the old style diaries. However, I don't live in the 20th Century and neither does she. At 14, she was posting, worldwide, how much she hated me, calling me every dispicable name, including a few names for a prostitute (which I'm most certainly NOT, btw). Her father confronted her about it after we found it. Tears abounded (she wraps him around her little finger and he is SO blind to it) and she switched to another online site, which we found. Our biggest problem is her school work. She's intelligent and every teacher has told us that it's not that she's not capable of the work, it's that she won't DO IT and turn it in on time to get the grades she should have. Unfortunately, because of the NCLB policy and our school district's policy of 'no failure', she and a lot of other kids have gotten the idea that deadlines on assignments are not absolutes, but suggestions. We try to stress, in EVERY way possible, that this is not so, but we're left banging our heads against the wall because we're defeated by the policies.I have decreed that I refuse to release any of her college fund as long as this goes on. I will NOT, under any circumstances, fund mediocrity. She'll go to college on her own accord and have to pay out of her own pocket. When she comes up against a professor who doesn't give a rat's behind about her, only that projects are ON TIME and the way they want it, not the way she wants it, she'll have to accept full responsiblity for her actions.I can only hope and pray that she eventually has a child just like she was. Then once she walks in MY shoes, she'll understand that maybe old Mom wasn't as stupid and dumb and clueless as she thought.And all the time, I'll just smile and say, I love you.

JLD

Thanks for this laugh. I just found out my soon to be 16 year old is having sex after all the talks and all the church abstinece classes i taught. I am the mother from hell when it came to where she could go and what she could do. i always called the other parent to check out the situation for myself. I felt comfortable with her boyfriend after a two hour conversation with his parents explaining my expectation of when she was at his house.little did i know his mother would pass out drunk and his dad was never there. i have a 17, 16, 5, 3 year old all girls i really think i will be committed by the year 2015 or atleast the biggest contributor to zoloft you've ever seen.

t

I have two daughters(20 & 16) who I love dearly, yet it is the worst of times right now. My husband and I have a very good relationship and are homebodies. Both daughters have dabbled in drugs and continue to smoke weed. Both have very active social lifes and are sexually active. We have been to counselling because somtimes you just can't do it alone!!! Yes I can be a bitch and we always wonder where we are going wrong. Our lives are also good but it seems few and far between. Many times I know we are blessed to have each other it is just difficult.

Khloe

all teens are self absorbed jerks.they all have a sense of entitelment i for one will love to see my daughter fall on her ass

sonya

I dont know whether to laugh or cry, my daughter is 15almost 16. Just found out that she is smoking cigarettes, we are buddies, but still is so hard for me that she is all of sudden not thispure little girl that I can control.Help!!!

Sandy

I'm not sure that I really want to "control" my 14 yr. old daughter. It's just that she has always been so easy to get along with and if we had a disagreement, we would talk about it. All of a sudden, I'm good for nothing and don't ever know what I'm talking about. Until she wants or needs something. I feel like throwing her $200.00 cell phone in the garbage and erasing all of her Myspace and locking her in her bedroom until she's 30. That's it! If she can change so quickly without any notice, so can I! I feel so much better now. Thanks for all of your comments. 2 hrs. ago I dropped my "angel" off at school and after a heated discussion, she casually stepped out of the car and I think she "flipped me off". Or, maybe she did one of those "talk to the hand" gestures and her middle finger accidently stuck up higher than the rest them. I just kinda sat there for a second and had some flashbacks of her in our glory days when, she would hug and kiss me and not let go. I miss my little girl!

Just Me!

don't worry about your teenagers. it will pass. they don't know that their minds are teething.

rachel

LMAO! I love that Rachel!!

dianerene

LOL, good one rachel! I'm writing that down and claiming it as my own witticism at a later date. [:o][:(]

fiery

just read comments some made me laugh some worried me even more, i am the proud mummy of a clever 13year with big attitude recently, came on here because just taken away her laptop for using foul language on it again thought i might get a little strengh from somewhere before the next battl commences, she was adorable and it has always been me and her even when her dad was around who isn't anymore, i know i've got to be tough and stay in control just seems really hard at times wish i'd learnt to surf then i could just ride the waves. thanks

little old me :(

I need help. I am a single mom of twin 17 year old daughters. They have started running around with a couple of new friends that have them convinced that they are now adults and don't have to pay attention to rules or curfew, and have given them the idea that I have no business telling them anything. It has gotten so bad that one of my daughters has started telling me how much she hates me, that she doesn't respect me and that I am stupid. I have NEVER told either of my girls that they were anything other than wonderful. I am not a pushover, but I am not a strict disciplinarian either. I have tried to allow them to grow and make choices based on the morals I have taught them but I cannot take much more of this. It is to the point where I am wanting them to move out, no matter where they go. Neither one has a job. I have tried for almost two years (they will be 18 in July) to get them to get a job. They keep telling me that it is THEIR weekend, or THEIR spring break or THEIR summer...... I am soooo tired of hearing this. I work long hard hours to give them what they need. I get accused of never being home. I try to teach them basic house work, I get accused of favoring one over the other by giving the "crap" jobs to one even though I rotate them weekly. If anything gets done it is half way at best. The fights are completely unreal, I would NEVER have spoken to my parents like this. Now, they ignore me in my own home, and just walk out the door without a goodbye or this is where I am going. Is this behavior normal?

momofteentwins

I am so sorry to hear that. I, like you, can't imagine speakign to my parents this way. Unfortunately, other than talking to them like adults, or perhaps counseling, I'm not sure what would work. I hear this more and more and it seems to be becoming an epidemic. I would say if they want to be treated like adults than go fot it. Food cost this much, rent is this much, etc etc. If that's what they want give them the whole shabang.

ChristineB

Ok... ok so I went all Alec Baldwin on her because she never responded to the calm, gentle approach....and I am paying the price for it....I now have a 15 year old daughter who, like y'all, used to be so wonderful. Now, eh...not so much....now the coolest Dad in the world (that's me according to my 10 year old son) is horrible and she would prefer now to live with the EX, A Courtney Love Type of-a-mother that has never been part of her life until now. I beat myself up for a while wondering what I did wrong and what I could change to bring her back to me but realize its not all me. Sure I need a little fine-tuning but after a lot of research I am seeing that this is part of life....We should laugh, take it in with a smile....and occasionally beat the living $%@! outta them....just kidding...about the laughing and smiling part that is....:) I STILL LOVE MY ANGEL

WhosYourDaddy

I've got to agree with Christine on that. Teens now seem to want all the privileges but none of the responsibility that goes along with that (ie earning the money that pays for the privileges in the first place and contributing towards the home). I got my first part time job at 15 and had to hand in a small share of my earnings. Not that I earned much! It was more to teach me that as a family we were all expected to contribute something when we earned. Being outside the home awhile would give them a sharp shock, no doubt about that. Only you know best what to do because you know your own kids best. My fear would be they'd go even more off the rails if allowed to roam freely. Do you have a family member or friend that could talk to them perhaps (and give them hell!) that they'd listen to? Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out how badly their behavior's affecting you to shake them up. Good luck momofteentwins. Please do join in the forum more! It makes it easier when folks start a new thread to talk more. I wish more responders to the article posts would join too. Their posts are much easier to see when they're in the other folders like the Raising Children one and don't get missed under all the other article comments. We're friendly,people, honest. :)

fiery

I am the mother of a 15 1/2 year old, have been divorced from her dad since she was 2 so it was just her and I for a long time, we did every thing together. she has a good life she has never had to want for anything, I have kept a good relationship with her dad. I found out by accident that she was having Sex, well now she hates me, and the step mom whom has had nothing to do with her for 12 years, is her best friend, between the two of them they like to talk bad about me, well yesterday the step mom came and picked up my daughter while I was at work, and promised to get her to see her boyfriend,his parents have not allowed them to be together since we found out about the sex .. Well the thing is that my daughter and I had a camping trip planned and a concert that I had tickets for, when i got home from work ready to go. I can't find my daughter,. I call her and she is at her dads she don't want to go with me now.. she wants to see the boyfriend because this will be her only chance to see him the whole summer and the step mom promised to get her to see him, of course it had to be at the same time we were leaving for our trip. Not sure who is the worse teenager my daughter or the games of the step mom.The dad has never had a back bone and just don't do much about anything. well it all back fired and she didn't get to see the boyfriend, and she didn't get to go to the concert. Then next day she calls me, and she wants a new cell phone, shows no concern that she messed up our weekend. I am at my wits end with her and ready to let the dad and step mom take her for the rest of the summer. the grass is always greener until you live there. She says she wants a family, her dad has kids, I cannot have kids. I think her being an only child with everything she has ever wanted to a house of 3 boys and no money, will be a good experiecne for her..but I to am beating myself up asking what I did wrong.. I feel like a failure. If anyone has any advice for me.. my email is sassy@speednetllc.com

out of my mind

I 've read all the posts and you are all dealing with the same thing I am. I have been upset for days about my daughter. I just get this feeling that I have lost her and I'll never get her back. Why do they have to grow up? I want my little angel back I miss her so much!!!

kezabel

I feel so much better after reading these posts. It is so hard raising teenagers. I have a boy and girl teen - they're about a year and a half apart. The issues I have with my daughter are laziness, lack of motivation, sleepiness, and bad attitude. I am past the initial pain that comes after she began to act differently. I have accepted that she is a teen now and I have learned not to take things personally - most of the time. I love my daughter very much and I know she knows that. I worry about her a lot and I don't know what to do anymore when she won't follow our families rules and guidelines. She doesn't seem to care if the phone, tv and computer are taken away - she just lays around and reads - I finally had to make her stop reading so much and get outside and do something! She has lots of good friends that I like but she is so content to just mope around all day. I find it frustrating!!!

sass

My 18 year old daughter totally ignores me unless she wants something. She works and is getting ready to go to college. When I try to make time to do things with her she says she is busy. She most recently ignored my birthday. This hurt me terribly. She is generous to her friends and co workers, but when it comes to me forget it. She will leave in 2 weeks for college, which I am paying most of. I wanted to take her shopping for dorm stuff, but now I really don't think she deserves my time. What are your thoughts?

Sunny

Wow, came upon this site by accident and realized I am just a 'normal' Jane like everyone else here. Not the horrid Mom that my daughter hates who "does all the talking" and "does not know how to listen". When she is angry with me she sweet talks her Dad and vice versa depending on what she wants at the time. If I try to have a conversation with her she gets hysterical and bursts into tears. When she is asleep I see the little girl I loved so much. When she is awake I cannot imagine that there are times I find it difficult to love my own daughter as much because everything is about her. I am going to enroll her and myself in community work in the hope that she will come down from her high pedestal and see the trials that regular folks face. I think we have to continue to love them when loving them is the most difficult thing to do.Take care Dads and Moms and continue loving them and setting boundaries. Would be much easier to just let them be but that would be uncaring and selfish. They will be worth it one day. I promise although right now I find it hard to believe myself. But they are worth it!!! And they will thank you one day. HANG IN THERE!!!!

georgia

I so enjoyed reading all your comments, and it really rang bells reading momofteentwins post since I also have teen twins (identical) who are now 16. Up until this summer we've had a great relationship (I think), although I've never felt supremely important in their lives - not since they were little, anyway - since they have each other to be that person. It's a very isolating experience to be the mom of identical twins. They love each other so intensely, almost to the exclusion of everyone else in the family (not friends though - they love their friends just as much). They've been working full time (this is the 3rd summer now) and it's just as bad because they then socialize with their summer friends after work and in almost every spare moment. I feel like we're growing apart by the moment, but they don't seem to care at all. Thank goodness I also have an almost 18 year old son who still loves and appreciates me.Another mom of twin girls

Another mom of twin girls

I came onto this site tonight, as I have a 15 year old daughter who is very strong willed right now. She got so off track, that I asked her Dad (My Ex) to step up and take her in. He moved her into his and his partners house and she went well for about 3 weeks. Well, she stole from the Ex's partner, then ran away for 2 days. Shew turned up at my Mums house, blaming everything on the Ex's partner, that she did no wrong. I told my Mum that she had to learn to deal with the consequences fo her actions, but Mum stood up for her and is letting her stay for the weekend. I got a call from Mum tonight, saying that my daughter had jumped out of the bedroom window and gone out. So, there you go, others may think that they will do a better job than the parents, then the teen proves otherwise. I just have to take a look at my 23 year old daughter and smile at how proud I am of her for growing up and being a lovely young women. She was a terror herself, but it does pass eventually, then they become your best friends. Thanks for showing me that I am not alone!Anna.

Anna

My heart goes out to you all. It is no picnic trying to raise kids in this day and age. I am one who believes that a little discipline goes a long way. Children need to learn that there is always consequences to their actions no matter what their age. Too many parents would rather be friends to their kids than the disciplinarian. There is however a balance in there, you just need to find it. Don't threaten your kids, follow through with it. Don't just tell your kids your going to take away their phone or car, DO IT. Don't feel like you're being the "bad guy" either. Someday they will realize YOU were the one looking out for their best interest, not your "ex" that let them do anything they wanted. I have been the primary diciplinarian for my kids. My husband works full time and I was a SAHM up until the last few years so the responsibility fell on my shoulders. When I said something, I meant it and my kids knew it. Today they are 19, 18 and 13. The two oldest are attending college and paying their own way through. They have both worked since they were 16 and have had to pay for their own vehicles, insurance and cellphones. If they want something, they buy it, not me. They have both thanked me for doing this as they see their friends getting everything handed to them, never learning the true value of a dollar. No child is perfect, no parent is perfect, no family is perfect. If what you're doing isn't working, try something else. Seek outside help if you need. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself or give up. All anyone can ask is that you do the best you can. Your kids won't always be happy with you but one day they will realize you only had their best interests in mind and you tried your best.[sm=hug.gif] Good luck to all you troubled parents!

Thelma

This article helps so much. I hear all the time about this is the way teenage girls are towards there mothers, but I always think it is me doing something wrong. I am sure there is always something I am doing wrong, but I am learning this process has hardly anything to do with me. I keep thinking there must be something I can do to help her through this and I have a difficult time standing back and just letting it work itself out. I wish there was a book to follow. It reminds me of when they were babies and when they cried some things were instinctive, but other times you kept trying different things until you finally figured out what they needed to be happy. This is similar to the failure of communication you have with babies and it is very disheartening not to try to fix it. I do a lot of praying and taking deep breaths when I want to scream back or just cry. This to shall pass.

Michele

I came across this wonderful website and forum. I am the Casting Director of the show World's Strictest Parents on CMT. We have had great success in helping teens like many described here on this thread. Sometimes good teens make bad decisions and need a little guidance to get back on track. The stories I have read so far on this topic are the types of situations we deal with on our show. If you would like to view previous episodes you can visit the CMT website. CMT is now casting both teens and families to appear on the hit show, World’s Strictest Parents. If you have a rebellious teen determined to challenge authority OR if you are the strict parents who can set those teens straight with discipline and understanding, apply now. Call the casting hotline with your story and contact info at (888) 41-TEENS You can also email me for more information at teens@shedmediaus.com

TVCastingDirector

ohh lord well i had just read all these comments couse im super mad at my mom for noty lettinq me qo to a disco with my new boyfriend i totally understand her put uggghhhh iw anted too qo sooo abdly so i came to this site toi see how parents feel about us teenagers..&& wow im shocked how parent think about us teenaqers im 14 and sometimes i wish i can move out of the house cause my mom qets meee soooo madd ! my mom is a really cool mom and i love her to death beacause no matter wat she always qoin to be there for me no matter how many times i screw up.i had lied to my mom manyy timessss!! uff there countless for example wen i was 13 had a boyfriends that was 17 turninq 18 so yu can imaqine alsoo he drived my mom had meet him but i told her he was 15; she had full trust on me i never did nothinq ronq or sexual with him i just wanted to be with him cause i really liked him so i would tell her i was qoin to sleep over my older cousins house who was 16 and i would leave with him to the beach & stuff im now 14 & really mature for my aqe im not quna lie im really bipolar no lie but ive heard is tottally normal on us. teenaqers can beee really complicated! i just want to tell all parents to lisen and talk with your kids and not to qround them or take away their stuff or tell them they cant do nothinq cause is qoin to make it worst my advice as a teenager is that have lots of conversations with you kids spacially us qirls and try to put your self in our position ! and trust but not all the time we can fool you guy really fast ! iv had lots of conversations with my mom but sometimes i feel that i have to slow down cus im only 14 i totally understand but sometimes i forqet and say thinq to my mom i really dont mean! not all teenaqe qirls think the same and no tipe of cycological help or how ever yu spell that can help trustt me!!!! like i said im mature and yu miqht not belive me but i really mature and know how to kinda take care of my self,i had never been disrispected by any of myt boyfriends because i know the people who are riqht for me! i had learned from mistakes that ive done and it has been 1 with my boyfriend & im really happy also i havent lied to my mom any more and im glad she is openinq up to me and liseninq to me tell her about my niqhts with my bf at the movies,bayside,mall ,restaurants ect. jejeje but im still mad cus she didnt let me qo but yea i qot over it noew that i read that i had reallized many thinq & i think sometimes us teenagers should hear how you parent feel! well i hope somethinq from all this helped byeeee :]

chulii

While I do understand, 14 is still a child, no matter how old you may feel. You are too young to move out, to vote, to drive, to drink etc...there are reasons for that. It's best to not rush being grownup...once it comes you can never stop it. All I can say is stop trying to wish you were grown up and enjoy being a kid. 14 is a kid and is a wonderful time of your life to learn, grow , mature and have your parent(s) to look out for you. Don't rush into going to disco's...they'll still be there when you're 21.

ChristineB

These posts have helped me so much! Thanks to all involved. I have a 16 year old daughter who hates my guts, lol, supposedly. I haven't been the perfect parent but I have tried to understand and listen to my only child whenever she needed me. Unfortunately, as far as all the books say, I have been too much of a friend and buddy and not enough of a parent. Also, I don't want to be some cardboard cut-out of a June Cleaver mom. I'm not comfortable being fake. I love my girl more than anything but being a strong female figure in your own right seems to be an important thing. Now at least I don't feel alone! Teenagers, especially daughters, are difficult!

holli h

OMG I thought I was alone I have an 11 year old who thinks she is 21. All of a sudden she has gone from my precious little girl to an alien who hates me for everything. At school she can do no wrong but as soon as the bell rings it is as if she is replaced by someone else. She yells, she swears, she tells me I hate her and favour her 6-year-old sister over her. Apparently I don't understand her. If this is happening at 11 what will it be like by the time she is 15? I love her so much but right now I am finding it hard to like her. How do you keep control without alienating them? All I really want to do is hold her in my arms and tell her how precious she is but if you enter her room she tells you to get out. HELP

karen

Well i think you are all lucky my daughter turned into the devil at 3 years old.The temper tantrums the screaming fits,the butter wouldnt melt when daddys around.Ifeel we have had a right journey together she is now nearly 16 and although we still have the odd strop i feel we have come out the other side and most of the time we get along just fine.But one thing i must advise you all dont blame yourself and dont give up on them you will come out the other side.

Joe

I just want to say that I am so glad I am not alone. I have felt like a horrible parent. Try to do and do and do only to get crushed.

Maurina

k, so thank God I came to work today and read all the posts that everyone has been so gracious to share. I too dropped my "beauty" off at 7 am for yet another day as a 14 year old freshman Jerk!! I am at a total loss as to who she has become, I used to adore her, now I clench my teeth everytime she comes near. she is cocky, nasty, mean, hateful... eeewww!! A girl who is in and out of Juvie attacked my nasty mouthed daughter on the bus...I did as any mom would do and tried to get to the bottom of it. Today, however, I want to put a sticky note on that very same girls locker that says "haydee thinks your a slut".... then I will do as my daughter has reccomended I do, sit back, relax and enjoy the show!!! K, I will come out of my vengeful mind and go to work... to all you moms who love your girls, Have a great day!!!

becca

Mine has been 16 a little bit over a month. My, my, my - just when I thought things were going [i]kinda[/i] ok - she hadn't hated me for a few months and we were getting along pretty well - or it seemed that way. Last hour I was told that she didn't like me at all and in fact, she hated me, and she wanted to live with her grandma (3 houses down from us) - that whole deal. Also was told that I never have any money (i'm a single mom) and she wished I could find a husband and that I never let her go anywhere or do anything and i won't even buy her a car. [:-]Because, according to her, if she had a car then all problems would be solved! She then proceeds to tell me that when she IS nice to me, the only reason she is nice to me is because those are the times that she wants something and for no other reason. I didn't raise this child! Hateful, ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish, disrespectful.....All in all - She [u]really[/u] is a good kid - and I try to take it all in stride, but dang! I guess the thing that gets me the most is that she has no clue how hard I work, how hard I try or just how difficult it is. I know I'm not alone in this --- but today, I feel alone and lost.

sdksmadre

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