| | | | Discussing Death With Your Children |
By Charlotte Gerber
Discussing death with your children can be a difficult subject, especially if you are having trouble accepting the death of someone you love. It is important, however, to help children understand that dying is a part of life and that throughout their lives they will lose people that they are close to.
One way to start a discussion about death is to ask children what they already know. Many children have fantasies about what death means and they may be afraid of the unknown. Have this discussion with your child while holding them or touching them so they will feel more secure. Try to answer their questions as accurately as possible and when you don’t know the answer to a question tell them that you simply don’t know. It is better to tell the truth than to invent a story that may confuse and upset a child later.
Reassure children that nothing that they did or said caused the death of a loved one. Let them know that it is also okay to be angry with the person who died. Children often have feelings of abandonment when a person close to them has passed away. It is also important to let children know that going to the hospital and dying doesn’t always go hand in hand.
If you are planning a funeral and will be making trips to the funeral home you may want to include children in the trip if they are willing. Never force children to participate in a funeral, memorial service or visit a cemetery. When children have the opportunity to visit a funeral home the funeral director may talk with them and help them understand the process, on their level. Sometimes seeing a display of caskets, choosing special items to place in the casket or choosing a tree to plant in a loved one’s memory can help a child accept the death of someone close to them. Including them in the funeral process will also make them feel special and part of the family.
The day of the funeral let children know what behavior you expect of them if they are old enough to understand. You should also let them know what to expect of others who will be attending the funeral. Explain to them that people will be sad and they may be crying. Reassure them that adults are upset because of the loss of a loved one and that it is okay to feel this way. Children are often more understanding and accepting than we give them credit for.
Children may continue to ask you questions about death for a long time after a funeral because they need reassurance about the event. If possible, offer to visit the gravesite of a loved one with your children. Children often like to talk to the people they’ve lost and visiting a gravesite can help them feel closer to their loved one. Try to approach death and funerals in a matter-of-fact way and your children will learn that there is nothing to be afraid of.
If you want to learn more about helping children and teens that are grieving, visit the Children’s Grief Education Association at http://www.childgrief.org.
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