| | | | The Weakened Father-Son Bond: Ways to Heal the Rift |
By Seth Mullins
Times have changed for most fathers and their children. Gone are the days of sons mentoring with their dads, preparing for the moment when they would take over the family farm, the smithy or the carpentry business. Once upon a time, boys watched older men at work and saw the ways in which they applied their knowledge and skills to earn their livelihood. Then the Industrial Revolution began to disrupt the family unit, whisking fathers away to factories where their children couldn’t see what they did for a living. In recent decades, the rise in divorce rates has made “weekend dads” more commonplace.
Close proximity to fathers has always been healthy for sons, whose energies then can resonate with those of the older men. A boy should eventually learn to identify with the male rather than with the mother – for he will, after all, grow up to be a man himself.
So if our modern industry and economy has led to the physical separation of home and work for most fathers, what are we to do to keep this sacred bond intact with our sons? Excursions out into nature, like hunting, fishing, hiking and camping, have traditionally served to fill the gap to some extent. But in our modern busybody age such outings can prove difficult to make time for. A more feasible solution could be to find ways to fit our mentoring into the daily routine of our lives.
Activities in which skills are learned can be invaluable. I have spent time with my son exploring, among other things, gardening, cooking, music, drawing, map-making, modeling and building forts. I also try to keep aware of what experiences might provide for him a sense of his history and roots. Maintaining an ongoing photo album can capture memories and communicate them better than words can. Recording dates and places on the pictures will preserve continuity. An album can even be expanded into a scrapbook of memorabilia such as ticket stubs from fairs, circuses, concerts, and movies seen together. Researching our family tree via websites or resources in the local library can also deepen our sense of our family’s place in the scheme of history. All these things help to ground sons in their sense of identity and sustain them through those times when their fathers are unavailable.
We can also involve ourselves in their school, the place where they spend so much time doing things that we don’t usually have the opportunity to see. We can assist with homework and help them organize and plan for big assignments. They’ll appreciate being recognized for their schoolwork, and also for knowing that we are aware of what goes on in this area of their lives. For this reason, we should also let them know about our interactions with their teachers and that there is an open line of communication. We can even accompany them on class trips. Such gestures send a message to our sons that we care about them enough to make time for important events in their lives.
There were many factors, over the last two centuries, which served to create a rift between fathers and sons. But if we make it our priority, as fathers, to pass on our knowledge and experience, then our sons can reap the same benefits that others did in ages passed. They will be rooted in a sense of history and personal identity, and imbued with a feeling that they are at home and know their place.
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