When Parents of a Teen Divorce

He may be six-feet tall and she may look every bit the young woman, but parents still see the grinning freckled-faced boy or the tow-headed girl twirling around in a pirouette. A teen’s thoughts and reactions to the divorce of their parents are far different from those of younger children. Getting through the muck and mire of creating two new families where there was just one, requires out-of-the-box thinking, real communication, and a whole lotta love.

The teen years tend to be tumultuous for many kids. Through time teenagers, filled with angst, sat in their rooms writing dark and ominous poetry. They feel stuck in a place that is neither here nor there, not a child anymore, but not accepted as an adult yet. The life of a teen revolves around school, activities, friends, friends, and more friends. Dealing with peer pressure, parent pressure, and self-imposed pressures adds stress into their lives. Learning to be independent and self-sufficient is no easy task, but every day teens everywhere go at it like it’s their job and in a way… it is. With all the confused chaos that often swirls around the teen years, adding the divorce of parents seems almost too much to bear. Teens, or children of any age, have no say in what happens to the marriage of two people they love more than anything. It is for this very reason that parents must be ever vigilant toward the emotions and behaviors of their teen while the family moves on in different directions. The parent’s job is to guide your teen through the emotionally charged issues of being a child of divorce.

When a child is younger, parents wield control over visitation issues. Visitation, usually set in motion by the court system with both parents agreeing, is much easier to maintain with small children. As kids grow into their teen years, they establish a life that often circumvents the family life. Teens may be involved in sports and school activities that require commitments. Sitting home all weekend to be with a parent could cause some riled up emotional battles. Teens with divorcing parents want and need their lives to continue in the same way as it has. If the family was intact, a parent would not ask a child to not attend a school function, a sporting event, or not see friends on the weekend. Do not ask your child to stop being who he or she is because the family structure changed. Both parents, if possible, should sit down and discuss visitation with their teen. Allow your teenager to voice an opinion and together make an honest effort to come to an agreement. If that means the adults will have to adjust their schedules, so be it. After all, the teen years fly by quickly and this is the last chance parents get to truly nurture their children.

So much changes during a divorce. Perhaps a new home, definitely a change in family dynamics, but try very hard not to make too many changes during this time of transition. Kids of all ages need two parents in their lives. The non-custodial parent must stay in contact with the children. It’s important to continue being your child’s biggest fan at school events. Do not let the old adage, “out of sight, out of mind” eek its way into your life leaving a gap in your child’s life. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and then talk it over. Parents are not the top choice in a teens little black book, but keeping the lines of communication open will never be more important than with a teen facing the divorce of his or her parents. Often times adults want to control the conversation, but when it comes to your teen you’ll gain more insight by listening and allowing your teenager to rant, cry, moan, and be angry. Once the fog has cleared you’ll be able to converse with your teen and help them understand.

Teens like most children of divorce blame themselves. They project their fears and insecurities onto a situation for which they hold no responsibility. The importance of reassuring your teen that the divorce did not happen because of anything they did, cannot be overstated. Assure, reassure, and load on the love. Be available to talk whenever your teen is ready. In this age of technology, communication is never out of reach.

A word to the wise: The urge to kiss away the hurt and make it better may be profoundly overwhelming. Be there for your teen in every way except one. Do not try to buy your way into emotional stability with your child. Do not give into his or her every whim. Over-indulgence does not make the hurt and pain go away, in fact, kids see right through the ruse and will use it to their advantage. Do not add fuel to a fire by believing that a monetary or turning-the-other-way-when-rules-are-broken band-aid will make it all better. It won’t.

Communication is the most powerful tool that a parent has when it comes to teens. You want what’s best for your child and even though you may be angry and you may see how to hurt an ex by using a child, let cooler heads prevail. Never allow your child to be a pawn in a cruel game. Keep the lines of communication open to yourself and your ex giving your teen the emotional support needed. Don’t just give your teen the opportunity to be himself, encourage it. When all the shards of sadness and anger fall away, you want what’s left to be your child: happy and whole with a little thicker skin than before.

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