| | | | What Can a Child Do to Make Things Right Again? |
By Seth Mullins
When children are given a consequence for their behavior – for example, if they’re sent to their room for being overly rambunctious – this could possibly deter them from acting out the next time (or at least for as long as they remember the punishment). Unfortunately, such an action encourages them to dwell on what they did wrong without providing any helpful suggestions as to what some better alternatives could be in the future.
Instead of merely doling out punishments, it’s oftentimes more profitable to ask a child, “What can you do to make this right?”
Shifting our emphasis like this will begin to teach our children self-responsibility. They are still faced with the burden of their misbehavior, but instead of dwelling on it they are being called upon to find a creative solution on their own. Thus they learn that the world is responsive when they take the initiative. They can either create an unpleasant experience for themselves or else one that makes them happy. It’s a lesson that we adults could probably refresh ourselves with, too, from time to time.
Posing this question to children – what can you do to make things right? – also helps them to grasp the real nature of their wrongdoing. Denying them play-dates for a week and explaining that it’s “because they were bad” leaves them to grapple with something intangible to their young minds. Instead, we can say something like, “Katie’s feelings were hurt when you and the other boys called her names. What can you think of to do that might make her feel better?” Our child might be inspired to draw a nice picture to deliver to the girl along with an apology. In this way, instead of brooding over the consequences of bad behavior our children are turning their attention elsewhere and experiencing the constructive power of a good deed.
We don’t necessarily have to be more lenient with our kids. But if we take disciplinary action that might get them thinking in different ways, imagining other outcomes to their actions, then we’re addressing the very root of behavioral problems and creating an opportunity for positive change. Obviously, children don’t learn responsibility when we allow them to get away with murder. But many forms of punishment do little more than instill them with guilt, which doesn’t help to change their behavior for the better.
If we instead place the responsibility on their shoulders to make amends for wrongdoings in ways that involve their imagination and initiative, it will help them to understand not only what they should change but also how to do it. This kind of approach does much more than simply correct a problem. It helps to build character, a feeling of empowerment, and sense of self.
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