| | | | When Arguing Gets Us Nowhere |
By Seth Mullins
Most of us have had this feeling at one time or another in our relationships: we’re angry, and we feel entirely justified in that emotion. We aren’t about to back down, or perhaps examine our own complicity in the problem, even though we may know (deep inside) that either of those actions would probably bring us back into harmony with our partners.
This kind of pride and stubbornness is one of the ego’s little tricks; it is the voice inside that tells us if we keep our armor up (instead of being vulnerable) and keep attacking the other person (instead of striving for understanding) then we will be the victors. Unfortunately, this need to prove one’s self in the right does nothing but create more distance between partners. In the end, both of them will inevitably lose.
Pride gives us the illusion of feeling protected. If our significant others can’t see our weaknesses – if they don’t know that we’re fallible – then they can’t do us any harm. But when we keep our guard up in this way, we are essentially saying that we don’t trust them not to hurt us in the first place. This distrust, then, becomes self-fulfilling. We perceive our partners as acting unloving towards us because that’s what we’re expecting in the first place. Then we react, and exacerbate the problem further.
The clearest way out of this vicious trap is to let go of our defenses and be what we most dread to be in the moment: vulnerable and open. Understanding and healing can’t happen if we keep behaving in a way that pushes our partners away. If what we really want (beneath our anger) is love and closeness again, then we need to create some space for them to come in.
A first step might be to try and recognize the wound that lies beneath the other’s behavior. If they aren’t acting loving, chances are they’re afraid. Perhaps we are, too; perhaps all that anger was meant to shield us from seeing this fear for what it was. Fear can take many forms, but if we’re able to identify it and let the other person know what it is, then a vast gulf can be bridged in a heartbeat.
Righteous anger gives us the illusion that we’re strong and in control while actually robbing us of the very things that we want from our partners. Letting it go, even when we feel justified in holding onto it, and owning up to our underlying fears and insecurities can pave the way to resolving issues with our partners in a way that will bring us closer to them.
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Falling in Love Again With Your SpouseConflict Resolution in Marriage
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