| | | | Coping with the Differing Needs of Boys |
By Seth Mullins
Every child in this world is unique. It’s sometimes helpful, however, to make distinctions between boys and girls – even if we’re forced to generalize – in order to better understand the different challenges that are faced by each one. Few people would deny that social pressures, at the very least, differ between one and the other. Even if we pride ourselves in being open-minded parents, we might often be tempted to think of our children in terms of social stereotypes.
Boys tend to be more physically active than girls and favor such visual-spatial skills as coordination, agility, speed and accuracy. In many ways, they tend to use their bodies to communicate through expressions, gestures and body language, whereas girls are generally more comfortable with expressing their feelings through words. More importantly, boys are expected to excel physically – and emotional expression is often discouraged. Boys will more often be told to stop crying when they’re hurt or upset, for example, than girls will. It’s hard for young people to resist these kinds of social pressures.
These tendencies – whether they’re innate and natural or the result of conditioning – can make it difficult for parents to know how to approach and communicate with their reticent sons. Sometimes we will have to wait for subtle openings. They might not respond directly to our questions, for example, but what they do say could give us clues as to what a “safe” avenue to pursue might be. If we take advantage of these opportunities, they might begin to relax and open up more.
Another consequence of social conditioning is boys’ reluctance, oftentimes, to expose their feelings in front of an audience. If we want to get into a deep conversation, we might have to wait until we find quiet time when no siblings or friends are around. Speaking in confidence with a young boy can reassure him that he won’t be teased or otherwise shamed for whatever he might open up about.
Sometimes we’ll have to be content with letting them speak indirectly, or take time to process their feelings before they say anything at all. Activities can provide them with good opportunities to come out of their shells when they feel ready to. Taking walks together, for instance, puts us side by side with our sons and moves us away from other eyes and ears. A sit down, face to face talk, on the other hand, might feel too much like a confrontation and cause them to shut down.
Though our society often wants them to be tough and aloof, boys typically crave interaction as much as girls do. We’ll probably have to approach the matter differently, however, if we want them to open up to us. Giving them space, being alert to the subtle clues that they give us, and initiating conversation in a private and non-confrontational way are all approaches that can aid us in getting to the heart of the matter with our sons.
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