| | | | Communication Between Divorced Parents |
By Darlene Zagata
If you and your ex-partner have children together then you are aware that the communication between you doesn’t end when the relationship does. The children will always be a part of your lives and anything that concerns or affects them will in turn affect both of you. The lines of communication remain open between most divorced parents, at least on some level. Although it is good to keep the lines of communication open regarding the children, it can often present problems for parents that have moved on to new relationships.
New partners may be unable to deal with friendly conversations that involve the ex, even if it is totally innocent talk about the kids. The new partner’s insecurity may add to the dilemma. The ex often feels caught in the middle and may become hesitant to approach issues that need to be discussed because he or she knows it will present a problem. This can cause a rift that leaves one parent feeling uninformed and left out of the loop. The ex may respond by explaining that he or she did not want to create any further dissension in the new relationship.
Such unnecessary conflict can lead to the blame game where everyone starts blaming each other and no one wants to accept responsibility for their behavior. Everyone involved needs to be honest with each other but no one wants to hear the truth. The longer the situation remains unresolved the more tangled the web becomes. What can be done? Be clear and honest right from the start. Make it clear that you have children and that there will be times when you and your ex may need to discuss issues involving the kids. Just because you can remain on good terms doesn’t mean that you are still in love with him/her or are having an affair. Someone who truly loves you will understand.
For example, if you have an arrangement where your child or children stay with you every other weekend and your current partner flies off the handle every time your ex drops off the kids, you might want to re-think your current relationship. If you’ve tried talking with your partner to no avail you might suggest counseling to get to the root of the issue. Although jealousy, insecurity and even skepticism regarding an ex are all normal emotions, the inability to tolerate the ex long enough for the kids to be dropped off for a visit is a good indicator that the relationship won’t work under those circumstances.
There has to be understanding and a willingness to be flexible for a relationship to thrive. If there is no give and take in a partnership, one side will eventually break from the constant stress. Even if you are able to tolerate the stress, the relationship with your children may suffer or become strained. There has to be a better way. Make sure that the relationship you have committed to is worth it then give it your all.
If you are on the other side of the fence and are the partner that finds it difficult to accept the fact that your partner has periodic contact with the ex, think about your position and how your behavior affects the overall picture. Ask yourself a few questions to help clarify your feelings. Why do you feel this way toward the ex?
Has this person said or done anything to give you the impression that something else is going on?
Could you be overreacting?
Are you generally an insecure person?
Talk to your partner and the ex if this will help clarify the situation and get your feelings out in the open. Consider consulting a professional relationship counselor to help clear the air between you and your partner. It can help you to put your feelings into proper perspective. Remember that children can pick up on the feelings, behavior and comments of adults. Unresolved negative feelings don’t just affect you; they affect the children too.
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