By D. Lynn Byrne, Ph.D.
Words. They seem like such simple little things, really. But, the words we use in our everyday conversations and writings, especially our conversations and writings with, to and about the children in our lives, carry with them tremendous power. These words, “whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right,” first spoken more than half a century ago by Henry Ford—American industrialist and pioneer of the assembly line production method—are illustrative of the potential power words have on the individual psyche. When we think we can, we can. When we think we can’t, we can’t.
As adults, you and I know the potential value of a “can do” attitude. But how can we help our children come to the point of thinking, “I can”? By modeling the attitude for them. You see, its really very simple. Our children develop the “I can” attitude based on their experiences and interactions with the trusted adults in their lives (parents, other relatives, family friends, teachers, etc.). More specifically, our children develop the belief that they are fully capable of learning and doing things when we tell them—repeatedly—that they are capable of doing them.
How does this work? Our children, whether age 2 or 18, internalize the words that trusted adults use around them. When we tell our children, “You can!” or tell someone within our children’s hearing that they can, something magical happens within their developing psyches. Their entire way of thinking shifts and any “barriers”—either real or imagined—that they may have had, or been told at some point they had, suddenly become much, much smaller. If we tell our children “You can!” often enough, they will build the internal fortitude they need to do anything.
Unfortunately, “can’t” too often replaces “can.” Adults whom our children are told to respect talk about and write about children who “can’t” succeed because (fill in the blank with the reason of your choice). Our children are expected to either have an abundance of hurdles to cross and/or to fail simply because they are part of a single-parent household, come from a low-income household, are residents of inner-city neighborhoods, are migrant students, are differently-abled, have parents with less than a college education, etc., etc., etc. Whether or not we realize it, or want to recognize it, our children hear the words we use (even when we aren’t speaking directly to them) and read what we have written (in newspapers, on the internet, etc.). When our words tell our children we expect them to fail they internalize those words; and suddenly, success becomes a non-option.
Once we recognize that the words we use have the power to impact the outcomes for our children, we can make positive moves to change what we say and write. Regardless of life or social circumstances, our children’s lives aren’t predetermined. To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, our children have brains in their head and feet in their shoes. They make their own paths in this life; if, that is, they are encouraged by the adults in their lives to believe that they can.
Next time one of your children tells you they “can’t” do something (I can’t pass a test, I can’t make the grade, I can’t do this job), tell them "You can!" and provide them with real-life examples of people who did. Feed your children’s hopes and dreams; then, that which they have thus far only imagined can become reality.
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