| | | | Would You Remarry Your Ex-Spouse? |
By Kristen Houghton
Checking our snail-mail at home, I saw a beautifully inscribed wedding invitation. It was from a divorced couple I knew. They were re-marrying each other.
“Come share our happiness as we celebrate our love in our “re-marriage” with a renewal of our original marriage vows.”
I was thrilled to be invited but also a little puzzled because the couple had a bit of a tumultuous married history, initiating divorce proceedings ten years earlier. What had made them get back together and what had prompted them to decide to renew their original vows when those same vows obviously hadn’t “taken” the first time around? Yet here they were getting married…again.
Perhaps there is something to the meaning of the words, “soul-mate.” Some spiritual beliefs say that two souls are destined, from before birth, to be husband and wife. Other religions believe that you and your spouse will wed each other throughout seven reincarnations, regardless of any turmoil you may have experienced as a couple.
Spiritual beliefs aside, there are reasons that you might re-marry your former spouse. One of these is the inherent goodness or qualities of the person with whom you fell in love. You began to love this person for a reason; a part of it may have been their moral strengths, their kindness; their treatment of others. The other person has something intangible that appeals to you.
But, whether you are married five or fifty years, neither of you is not the same man or woman who said the original vows. You have grown as a person. Your ideas and thoughts have undergone change as your knowledge of life has increased. The intangible something that originally brought you together is enhanced by maturity and wisdom.
If the marriage as a whole had been good with mutual respect a primary ingredient, 90% of divorced couples will marry each other within eight years of divorcing. Many will use their original vows while others will have new ones written to express their growth as individuals.
My friend put it best when she said: “We’re “re-marrying” each other because we have found that something was missing in our lives without the other person in it. There was a reason we married in the first place. It’s more than love, it is indefinable. Now that we have knowledge of who we are, and where we want to be, we’re ready to be the couple we know we can be.”
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depends on your reason...if the flame is still there for both, then go for it... any other reason my not be so good...
lc
I would not. Never ever. Call me cynical but I simply can't see that working. Unless there had been huge strides made to change what went wrong first time around and you can be sure the relationship wouldn't regress back to how it was, I don't think it'd be worth the risk. Move forward, not back! I hope those that try do make it, though, and wish them all the luck in the world.
fiery
Not me either. Not ever. I married too young, and although I have matured, he has not. In theory for some it may work, but not in my case. I'm with Kay on this one 110%!
ChristineB
I might. I am certainly thinking thoughts of wanting her to be back in my life and my home again. There is something intangible, perhaps we are soul-mates. All I can tell you is that we've been separated a year now and when I think of her tenderly I still get tears in my eyes. I miss her sweetness and beauty. After the divorce and dating a little bit I realize I changed from the person I was when we married and there was a lack of communication and working together. We can never go back & it is always a forward moving, expansion that has to happen for things to be successful. With maturity, honesty and openness I am thinking it could work. We will never be the same people we were when we first met but we can grow together again after coming to terms with what we can and can not live with in a mate.
B.
I did not think that I ever would consider remarriage with my ex. That being said, after the divorce I missed the good aspects of who he was. When I saw him again, he seemed changed... kind and easier to laugh. I found myself thinking about him quite a bit and missing his voice. I was afraid to tell him that I missed him; my sister encouraged me to talk it over with him. I invited him over and we talked, cried, and laughed together. We are moving back in together soon. I am more excited about the future now than ever before. We were married for 23 years. Many of those years were good; we just grew apart. We have decided to focus on each other...to not forget that we are each other's sweetheart.
Renee
My ex and I were together for 31 years, married 9 days short of 27 years. He took our marriage for granted, and never listened when I tried to tell him our marriage was in dire trouble. I was making "mountains out of mole hills". All I wanted was the same opportunities to be happy that he had. But I always put his needs and desires first, my big mistake. The "mole hills" grew into a mountain that I felt was insurmountable. We have been divorced for 15 months. He actually moved over 1,000 miles away and got engaged to another woman. Now we are back together, he has proposed to me and I have accepted. I believe we have both grown, realize what we had in each other, and learned to be more tolerant of our differences. As Renee said, we are now going to focus on each other. He has promised to give me the freedom to be happy, and take responsibility for the mistakes he may make. I shall have the patience to talk calmly about our problems BEFORE they become disasters, and accept the assistance he offers in household projects, or when I am physically unable to do the things that need doing. There had to be SOMETHING that kept us together all those years. We truly believe it was, and is, an everlasting love for one another. I hope Renee and any other couples who try it again have learned from their previous mistakes. Good luck!
Ruth
OK, so now my ex and I are talking. I am having feelings that I have not had in the twelve years we have been apart; and, not for the lack of trying with new girlfriends! I find myself excited and scared at the same time. I did fall in love and married, but the whirlwind romance gave way to some harsh realities and the divorce soon followed. But, now I am revisting my first wife (married 14 years). In the gap, we have enjoyed watching our children grow and accomplish, we have talked to and about ourselves, and we have had one romantic tryst/trip up!? I like Ruth's answer and do belive that people can change what may have been lacking the first go round. In matters of the heart, the mother of my children will get benefit of the doubt because the rewards (grandchildren, sharing some of the best/worst years, etc.) far outweight the risks (OK, so it doesn't work the second time - nor has countless other relationships I have been in!) - probably because I was looking for the feelings I had with the ex! And, she is still hot after 28 years!
Ron (47 years old)
First off I wish all the above couples or singles if they elect to remain as such the very best. I have one ex whom I had children with and could not imagine a re-marriage scenario so I appreciate the perspective. However, very sadly i now have another ex and hope that someday we will re-marry once all our children are grown. By then perhaps, the ex-spouses and children will be mature enough to allow for our happiness to be soul mates as we believe we are so we will not be forced to court to choose. If there is such truth to soul mates he is surely mine. However, good karma or bad karma, this life or next then I only know I am able to feel for this man a love that last a lifetime.
Becky
Good luck to all of you. I would never remarry my first ex, but I would get back with the second ex. I may not remarry him but I would love to have a commitment with him. I believe the only way it can work is not go back to the original marriage...the one that caused you to split up. I would like to start a fresh relationship. One of my close friends, went back to her ex-husband after two years of divorce. They are still together, and it's been about 19 years. My cousin, married and divorced her husband, remarried and divorced him again. The third time, they decided to "shack up." They recently celebrated their 50th (un)wedding anniversary. They are happier than ever. You all give me hope that maybe, just maybe, we'll get back together someday.
Sallie
Of my Goodness! Is it possible and feasible? So someone is going to make another blunder, I am sorry if I annoyed someone but it shouldn't happen. IMO It is just like to jump from a mountain twice(After escaping from a death once).
qaswer
At one time I would have re-married my ex in a hearbeat. As the years went on I continued to hope beyond hope that we would reconcile. A few years ago I got real and realized that it was never going to happen and set about making a new life for me and our children. I eventually met and fell in love with someone new and am now engaged to be married. I don't think you ever fully fall out of love with your ex. You share a special bond with them that never seems to go away but at some point you realize that things are the way they are because they are that way and once you make peace with that you can still find room in your heart to love another.
Kath
i would do it
smj
If I wasn't married to someone else, I would in a heartbeat! Worst mistake I ever made...not trying to make it work with my ex!
sas
My husband and I are having trouble in our marriage. And the worst thing is that I dont if there are specefic things causing the problem. He wont talk to me. I tried to talk to him but he just wont sit and talk. He finds it easier to walk away. We have been together for six years, married for five. I love him very much. He hase'nt asked for a divorce, but I feel that it is what he wants. I feel that if we do get divorce I would re-marry him in the future.
Yan
Related articles:
Making Peace for the Sake of Our ChildrenHow Do You Know If A Marriage Is Really OverFalling in Love Again With Your SpouseAchieving the Ultimate Joy: LoveIs Your Relationship Really Worth Saving?
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