| | | | “Separated” Married Couples |
By Kristen Houghton
We have all known couples whose marriages are basically over but, who, for the sake of their children, stayed together. They were not legally separated and they were willing to forego a divorce to stay together as a family unit.
But there is a growing trend in the 2000’s whereby couples with no children or grown children, live separate lives but choose to live in the same house. Like roommates they share expenses, shopping, and chores. Unlike roommates they own property together, have joint assets, and bank accounts in common. To all intents and purposes their physical marriages are over but their financial affairs are still married.
Why do these couples stay together if they are legally separated? The answer is purely practical. Many have built mini-empires together. Besides their main house they may also own a summer home and rental property. A legal divorce would cost them financially. Properties would have to be sold and assets divided. They see living as house mates a practical, savvy venture. A woman in her fifties said:
“We were married thirty years before we decided to live separate lives. I was all for a divorce and so was he but our accountant gave us two financial scenarios. Divorced, we would lose money. By staying together, we got to keep more of our funds and our health insurance coverage as a married couple. Tax breaks for married people certainly beat those for singles. We’re also looking at the long-term situation with pensions and retirement. Do we lead separate lives? We live in different sections of the house and have separate keys. That says it all.”
Another couple told me they stay together because they have a business and financial dealings that would suffer if they got a divorce. They live together and share everything but intimacy. In a way they’re a lot like college dorm mates. Privacy is highly respected.
Therapist Melissa Martirano says separated couples living together is a lot more common than anyone realizes.
“In the past couples who no longer had anything left in their relationships stayed together for financial security. They were miserable but they literally had no choice. Today’s couples choose to live together because they are money-wise and practical. Each partner is certainly able to support themselves, but they want it all and refuse to jeopardize extensive financial holdings. Surprisingly, this set-up works!”
Interestingly enough, the twenty-first century may have spawned a new kind of marriage; loveless, but practical and financially lucrative.
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what are the chances of a separated couple trying to work things out?
eve
I know a couple that remains married and living together despite their seperate lives and their home is happier now than it ever was. they are both in their 40s and tried living apart, but found that the dating scene was not for either of them. They still ate together once a week with their teenage daughter, and found that even though they were no longer in love with each other, they were great friends! Both of them have the freedom to date (if they choose), both of them are actively involved in their teenage daughter's life on a daily basis, and both of them still have another adult to come home to.
dianerene
I don't think I could do that. Each to their own and if it works for you, great! But to me you'd never be truly free of the relationship or each other.
Your friends are very lucky indeed to have that kind of relationship, diane. I guess it would depend a lot on the nature of the breakup and there's no hard and fast rules obviously. I'm glad it worked out so well for them. :)
fiery
My friend's parents are divorces but they live together. I don't know the whole story but apparently they got divorced, then decided they wanted to be together again but couldn't be bothered to get married again lol.
Ofear
I don't think I could do it either, but I have often joked with my husband that I wouldn't leave as easily as his ex-wife did - he married me for life. Even if he decides he doesn't love me, he is still stuck with me because I do not "share" custody of my kids [:'(]
dianerene
My parents have been married for 32 years and have been living like roomates for at least 10 years or more now my mother is so miserable with this set up that she cries everyday and I don't know what else to do or say, she is ready to leave and find a place of her own and fears that if she leaves that she loses all rights to the house she was the only person paying the bills there and she wants the house sold. Can she still leave and still have rights to the house once they file for divorce and will she still be entitled to alimony?
Confused Daughter
I think this is so unfair to both parties, why not pray and ask God to resurrect the dead marriage. All things are possible with God! I bet if those spouses brought in male or female friends, things won't be so spicy. Can you imagine stll married,but seeing someone diffrent in the same house! Yea right!!
separated wife
I am a married man but unhappily separated at the moment my wife is currently living with another man but i have no idea if it is serious at the moment i am left looking after our 14 year old son as she is unable to have him living with her due this man's criminal record and i am left wondering is their any future in our relationship but honestly i don't know what to think anymore as she has told me she is having sex with this other person my only fault i have is that i am willingly to forgive her but then my emotions go up and down which causes me to get emotionally unbalanced i don't agree with divorce but am slowly coming round to the idea so basically i am throwing myself on your mercy as the last five years have been hell to be honest this all came about due to the loss of my much loved and missed mother-in-law which left my wife and myself in charge of looking after the family with no help from relatives and the pressure has got too great and it has forced us apart but there has been interfering from family members and this other man but he claims innocence as to splitting me and my wife up at the moment i am at my wit's end and dont know what to do i hope you can give me some advice.my email address is stressed_jay1971@hotmail.comany help will be seriously thought over as i want to save my marriage very much so and thank you
Jason Phillips
Hi Jason and welcome to the forum. It definitely sounds like you are struggling with all of this. Life is hard and when like this happen it makes it harder. I would suggest, and definitely don't expect you to comment here, but you may want the advice of a professional.
It's always complicated when the "other" person moves on and it is very hard to deal with emotionally. There is no telling what her motive is, but if you are even the slightest bit concerned about the safety of your child then that needs to be addressed. Immediately.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep posting here. We're here to listen, and help with advice when we can. hang in there...
ChristineB
I have been separated from my wife for a week, but for years she has been saying she is unhappy. She has given me many signals that she wants out. We are now separated and she says she's more relaxed and she wants to do everything by herself without my help. When I ask her if there is a chance we might reconcile she says she doesn’t know what may happen in the future. Am I being naive thinking she may change her mind and we can reconcile?
Greg M.
I have been going through a really hard time for the last 3 years with my wife and daughter. I am pushed out of all family events betweeen the three of us and I have no say what goes on in the house. I adopted my daughter three years ago when she was 12, since that day, I have been the bad person in the house and as much as I ask for help from the both of them, all I get is the same treatment day in and day out. I am starting to lean towards divorce, but I still love them, but I can't just live with them anymore and take that kind of treatment any longer. Do you have any ideas as to what I should do???
Shawn R
I looked through all of the comments different people have here. My heart goes out to those who are in pain. I would like to share my thoughts and feelings on this subject, as my wife and I love, and trust, and respect each other, but we have made the decision to separate. Love and trust and respect are required for a marriage by default. But you can come to give your love and trust and respect to anyone that earns these things from you. And if this person is your spouse, you would be very fortunate to have these things. And even still... It would not be enough. The question becomes: Do you meet your mate's basic needs? Does your mate need something in their life that you do not provide? Can not provide? Is your presence threatening your mate's growth as a person? Is it unhealthy? Unhappy? It sounds cliche, to the point where you're tempted not to believe it, but it is true that you must stand whole when standing alone. Be your own person, let your mate be their own person. If that means you must be apart, take a kick in a sore heart for the one you love. That's real and unselfish love.Good luck to you all.
coulrophobia
My wife decided to call it quits last night. With her refusing to go to marriage counseling, I'm dealing with all kinds of emotions. Anyway, she is going to remain living here as a roommate. Although, I can't complain from a financial aspect. The whole set up is worrying me. I'm still very much in love with her, and she apparently only "loves" me as a "friend" now. The reason she wants to leave me is because she says she's not happy. I'll admit to many communication breakdowns, but I really don't think it's something an open mind, and counseling can't fix. We don't have any kids, but we do have a dog and cat...and I'm afraid if my wife left, she'd take the dog. I know it sounds stupid...but I just want us to at least make an effort to work things out. She's not opened to that.
RJ
I'm really sorry that she won't see a counselor, RJ. It seems like she is hiding something. I just don't what I would do if my husband said he wasn't happy. Then, wouldn't explain why he wasn't happy. Maybe you could do something special for her. Plan a nice dinner or give her flowers in hopes that she will open up. I wish you the best of luck.
Lisa
My husband and I separated 2 months ago and we stil love each other and care about each other, just not sure if we can live with each other right now, with our own personal issues. It's hard to separate the fact that we were together as a couple for 11 years and now we are just supposed to treat each other as friends. I want to know what's going on with him, but am not sure if that is my business right now. I'm so afraid he's going to move on to someone else before we can have a chance to fix ourselves and then possibly fix us. Any advice?
JJ
Well I dont really know where to start . So here it goes anyway. I am 24 and Ihave about had it with my husband , we have been together for 9 years almost and married 3 years . I'm not sure if we are growing apart and just habbits for eachother . Most the time I feel like I dont wanna hurt our daughter and our son . Iknow that im not the bad parent but i can only take so much of his jelousy, anger , dumb random questions ,childish perspective on life . i just wanna tell him that i need time to just breath and clear my head about this angery marriage that drives me right to the wall. thanx amanda
amanda
i dont know what to do. my wife looked at me in july and said "my hearts turned cold I dont love you anymore and left. she doesnt want a divorce and lives seperate from me. she still handles all the banking and bills , visits a couple times a week. she says shes trying to heal herself enough to try again then turns around and says lets just date as friends but dont get mad if thats as far as it ever goes. I try to talk to her about our problem but she just gets angry about it and says I'm being pushy . its so confusing, some things she says makes me think maybe shes going to come home and work things out , yet others makes me think shes never comming back at all. how long should I give this ? it really hurts.
mike
i have fallen out of love with my husband, and we have decided to part but as we are abit in debt we decided to stay living in the same house with our two children,, but my family have given me hell saying im an unfit mother and i dont look after my children,,i do work and it is only ever family who help me out with babysitting....ihave made a male friend at work and both my children and husband have met him and get on with him its just the rest of my family who have the problem with it...
tara
my husband is a serial cheater. I am umemployed, have no money and no where to go. I have decided to stay as a roommate to my husband and dip my toe into putting myself "out there" . I haven't been with another man in 17 yrs. I believe this is a necessary step for me.
pbcup1
pbcup1_ I know the scenario. Been married 19 and not intimate 8 years. Got a job and asked him to move out till we could either work things out or not. He moved back in as a "housemate" and to be close to our daughter. Its stressfull but financially sound at the moment. I made sure I had a job and knew the financial strategy first. But before you put yourself out there get an independent hold of your life. Get your own income, budget, see the possibility of being a self sufficient woman of resources. A confident woman will attract the right kind of person to hang out with. It may even attract your cheating husband. Just hold your head up and let go. Then, as a "housemate" offer to start paying 1/2 the utilities or something. Take over...then move out or ask him to. Don't go after an affair just because he does. It won't hurt him a bit it'll just give him a reason to send you out.
snickers
wonderful advice, snickers!
dianerene
I have been living with a man who has been separated from his wife for 9 years. She moved back in with her ex out-of-town and I want hin to get divorced. He says he is going to but still has not made any moves. I am torn, to stay or go. Help!!!
Tree
I am dating a man who is separated from his wife but they still live together. They are financially bound due to business plus they have 3 kids under 12 years and want them to have a "normal" life. She knows about me and he knows about her "friend". They haven't told the kids although I do spend time with them with their father as "friends". I get what they are doing, thinking it is best for the kids and business, for now. And I knew what I was getting into, there were no secrets. But it is pretty tough to explain the situation to my family. I know they know, but without actually coming out with it I feel dishonest. What do they say to their friends when they ask about me? They can't just come out with it if I don't and it might embarrass them. I don't have kids and have never been married so it was easier for me to be the one to hold their secret. Kind of sucks though. I like parts of it and hate other parts. I am very independant and enjoy the freedom of having a great man in my life without having to live with him. Will we still be in love when we finally live together? Have I been putting my life on hold waiting for him? Will I regret that later if it doesn't work out? Can this work out? They really do want a divorce, I'm not just the patsy. I get along with his parents who also know the truth of our relationship. I just wish I could tell my parents without them thinking I am a homewrecker. I don't want him to move out just for me or it will never work, he will regret leaving his kids and compromising his finances. Should I just bite the bullet and tell Mom and Dad? They seem to like him. Is this too much to ask of my getting close to their 60's parents? All of my siblings are married and I am seen as a bit of a rebel in their eyes, not just because I am reaching my late 30s without husband or kids to show of it but because that was never my dream. I just never fell for the fairy tale romance fantasy but this man does it for me. My family loves me well, probably most for my outside the box thinking. Maybe I am mostly afraid of getting into the box if we work out as planned. I love him but not desperately. I would easily survive without him. Am I just hanging on for convenience? He obviously is smitten with me, now, who else would take this on? But once he makes the move am i just another statistic that fell for the oldest line in the book? Maybe I did buy into that romantic thing after all. I love him and see a future with him. It isn't a fairytale for sure. But it is a comfortable way to be for me. I know I would regret leaving him now, he is the perfect guy for me and my best friend. I think of myself at the altar with someone else and he comes to me to give his best wishes, and he would do that. We would hug and I would say thank you and I would have to live without him forever. I would hate that.
what do you think?
I think you just described my old neighbors!
Honestly, anyone here can tell you that it is still wrong to be with a married man ... or they can say follow your heart ...
I will tell you that I was in a very similar situation before I met my husband. I, like you, felt it was wonderful to have my independence and not focus so much energy and time on a relationship. Finally, I needed his support through some tough times and I realized that ultimatelyy I shared him with a wife and child and reality set in. I loved him beyond measure, but I loved myself more and I was not going to sit a wait through their "plan" with no time frame. Of course, I had already invested 2 years of my life waiting for him to free his.
No one can tell you what to do in this situation. It is only you who can know if it's right, or if it will work, or if it is what you want. I think you need to be honest with yourself and frequently search your soul to see if it's still working. It worked for me for 2 years, and I wouldn't go back and change it. But then it stopped working, and I had to face it and I had to leave.
Good luck!!
dianerene
I've read this page and seem to have a lot in common with most of you. My husband sent me a lawyer's letter on Cristmas eve last year demanding a separation. We have been together 17 years in total and we have a 3 year old son. Although he has given me pathetic reasons for leaving, the truth is that he is morbidly still attached to his parents and sister who incidentally left her husband 6 months before he left me. I've tried to convince him to come back as i still love him but he says he doesnt love me anymore. In the meantime i;ve tried to move on with another man who loves me but i'm only kidding myself. it is my husband that i am happy with. I keep telling him that i love him only in the world but he is adamant on his decision. why do i keep hoping? is it wrong?
sophia
I understand the reasons and many of the dynamics of why many married couples choose to stay under the same roof, even though their relationship is no longer 'what they signed up for'... however... I have worries about children in these types of relationships learn. If they never see or hear any physical, emotional or spoken affection between the two people who are their primary source of learning the dynamics of a healthy, loving and caring relationship, then what kind of relationship will they have when it's their turn for love? You are role models, you don't want that phone call from you 30 yr. old son saying his marraige is over and feeling it was preventable if only he had learned how healthy partners work together. I think if you are forced into a situation where you can't leave each other, then you should try, try, try to really make it work, not just co-exist. Not just for the kids but for each other. Often times its stubborn-ness and pride and old scars of resentment and/or abbandonment that prevent us from making that first move to get counciling or talk or say we're sorry for past mistakes. Kind of like a Mexican standoff. Or, we are afraid of rejection and more pain, so we retreat. I believe if you at least try to make a sincere effort to make up, you could be pleasantly surprised at how much your partner wants the same thing. Make the first step, whats the absolute worst that can happen? You could find yourself falling in love all over again.
Bonnie
I understand your concerns, Bonnie. I have often thought that same thing myself, unfortunately, sometimes people just make better friends than spouses.
I have a close friend that had been married to her husband for 20 years. It was one of those on again off again things - they loved each other, they got married, they hated eachother, they seperated ... for 20 years! They had one child in the midst of all this. She remembers the fighting, the moving out, then moving back in. She is 17 now and mom and dad have been apart for 3 years - the longest ever. My friend says, yes, they could try and she KNOWS that they would fall back in love and would try to make it work, but she also knows that realistically, they are better friends than lovers and she has come to accept that. The daughter has too! She tells both of her parents, when she sees that they are approaching the "let's try it again" mark ..."NO WAY! I love you both and I want it to stay that way!" lol
I think a child can learn alot from parents who are friends but just can't stay married. It's certainly better than the divorced couples that don't have a civil word to say about the other.
dianerene
I’m a 40 year old man who has been married and divorced. I have 4 kids with the previous wife who I was married to for 11 years. This all took place about 4 years ago. After the divorce I started dating again. I met this wonderful woman, moved in together then married. We had a son together and all the kids love each other.My problem is not enough money, to high of bills and 7 people in the house every weekend when the 4 kids come over. My current wife has been good with them until recently she is not happy with such a crowded house. On top of the room there is the bills being paid. I pay child support which is a good chunk of my income. I work two jobs and so does my wife but we are only getting by. She feels she is working to pay MY bills that were accumulated from the previous marriage and is resentful. I understand her side but don’t agree.She has come to the conclusion that living in separate houses, I take my bills and she takes hers, is the best option. I don’t agree but unable to convince her. She is a person that doesn’t learn until doing and then after the fact admits she is wrong. Does this type of relationship work? I’m from a background if you are married you live together and are MARRIED. I feel the separation is just going to make us grow farther apart. We do see a marriage counselor but I don’t feel it’s working to well. Does this work and is their any hope of getting past it? I feel she is just looking for a way out.
LC
my wife left in july 2008 she hasnt come home yet and says she dont knopw if she ever will. she wants to start over as friends and "see where it goes from there" . its now december and no progress has been made much at all.she still tells me she isnt ready to come home because she still feels no love for me anymore, yet swears she does not want to divorce. she still handles all the bills, banking, and pays my truck payment out of her check as always. she calls me daily but refuses to talk about our issue.i tell her i love her but all i get in reply is "i know". its as if she wants to stay married yet live totally seperate lives. she says she isnt even interested in seeing other people. i would just like to know how long i should go on like this its so darn confusing.
mike
im married 9years me and my husband are seperated since april 08 4 weeks later I get a phone call I fell out of love,I dont wanna be with you anymore I hate you leave me alone and he hangs up the phone.Than he calls weeks later and say I will always take care my Baby,but we are done.I was crushed how can he throw away all this years we been together.I know we had a lot of problems that is why I left.But I thought by being seperated things gonna work out.All he do is blame me for everthing.Everytime I try to talk to him he always start an argument with me so ,he can hang up the phone.What is wrong with him?he want tell me.What should I do we still married.
tracy
I have a question? I have always heard when u get married and then u get a divorce, but u still live together (for the kids) and have lived together for YEARS. But once u move on and live in diff. states do u have to get another divorce, (i heard that u had to) because they have lived together for so long and it's called common-in-law. If anybody can answer that would be great.
Geneva
My husband is a crabby old grouch, and has been for almost forty years. Yes, I love the man, but I am not in love with him. He has been such a miserable,mean, old cheapskate to our children and me forever. He was a mamma's boy before she died and still would be if she was alive. His family was always better than my family, or our family for that matter. He always has to have his own way and then says it's me. He is sarchastic, mean, and thinks anyone who disagrees with him is of little or no value. He has become slightly physical with me several times. I just want to know where my friend, the one that I married, went to. Because, this man, I don't know who he is...and don't particularly like him.
Deanna
I don't think it's new at all - just the legal paperwork is new. Lots of people get married purely for financial reasons and then live separate lives.Mike, I'd like to respond to your situation. (Been there, done that.) If she's anything like me, she doesn't have the courage to end it and she will tell you anything to keep things on an even keel right now. My ex saying he loved me wasn't enough for me. I needed to hear that he was sorry for hurting me, but he would never admit to hurting me because those weren't his intentions, and he thought intentions counted more than actions, especially if he was drunk at the time and had no control over his actions. I was very sad and put it off as long as I could, but eventually I had to tell him I thought that was BS and I was done. Find out what happened in her opinion. Don't accept "I don't know". Get ready to hear the worst, and then tell her you're ready to listen. She may be more willing to talk if you want to listen to how she feels more than you want to tell her how you feel right now. Good luck with all that.
Lucy
BTW, I decided I would rather live on $200 per week than live with a man I used to be married to. "Just friends and roommates" is very stressful unless you are both completely emotionally dead and you have a very big house.
Lucy
my husband and i are seperated....he can't afford to move out....i am sick and need his help physically....we live in seperate rooms...he cooks ...i eat in the kitchen and he eats in the livin room....is this considered legal seperation in the state of north carolina....
linda
my husband and i have been married for 16 years w 2 children we're both good parents and want our children to have a normal family but I'm not in love with him anymore.i need different things in my life now than when we got married.he thinks im just being selfish but i think my happiness is important too.for the sake of the kids and for financial reasons i want to continue to live together but be seperated.he cant accept that option.i think hes being selfish for that.if we are ruined financially which we would be our children will be the ones who suffer.why not be friends and parents with the freedom to pursue our individual happiness as well? i dont know if that means we will have other relationships or not but i do need the guy friends i have in my life.he cant accept that.i could handle being divorced but i cant handle the drastic effects on our children.he wants me to just sacrifice my own happiness for the children, which i am considering because of how important they are to me.isn't there a better solution where everyone can be happy?im afraid ill resent him and the marriage so much if i supress my own needs.why cant he just agree to live together for at least a few years while our children grow up some more.we can get along and i would be fine if he was seeing somebody else.it seems like a win win situation to me.
Jane
I have just found this site for 'separates' and would like to add my story. I feel I was manipulated by my husband into this 'separate status'. For years and years he ran hot and cold - running away, coming back home, playing the nice husband, then running away etc. Amongst all this I was threatened financially. Emotionally, I was drained. He tried to turn our kids against me by telling them lies about me; he played the victim; he never supported me, especially where his family were concerned. They would visit for a weekend and openly criticise me and he would not stand up for me! He had a' dual personality'- when he had an audience he behaved himself and he looked like the perfect husband, but behind closed doors he was selfish, demanding and he would become aggressive if he did not get his own way. I stayed in this bad relationship until my children were all married and then the next time he ran away, I told him not to come back! We agreed to part, I aske dhim if he wanted an outright divorce but he said "No, let us just go and live our own lives in separate homes." Since we moved into our own homes, he has manipulated the situation and rocks up on my door evey weekend. I wish I had demanded an outright divorce as he still expects me to do everything for him, but yet he wants his freedom during the week! I am afraid to divorce him now as I think he will sabbotage our little business and then I will have no financial means to support myself. After more than 40 years of marriage, and six years of 'separation' I am so tired! I just want him to go and live his own life and let me have some peace in mine. He is just using me as he does not have anything to do over the weekends / holidays. When he is at my home he tries to call the shots and we end up arguing all the time, but still he comes here. Why? Throughout the marriage he told me numerous times that he did not love me, did not care for me, wanted his freedom - which I gave him - but now I still have to put up with him and his nonsense every weekend.He wants his freedom, but still expects me to look after him! If I was not good enough to be his full time wife, why am I good enough to be his part time, weekend wife? I really feel that having gone through all this, separating is not a good decision - it is better to make a clean break!
Posie
Posie, that sounds absolutely exhausting! I understand your fears, especially being a business owner with my husband as well.
My first thought ... disappear for the weekend. Don't be home for him to bully into your space. go visit one of your children, or a friend ... just don't be home. see what happens ...
dianerene
I wish it were that easy! I have a cat and he cannot be put in kennels - he escapes! And I have no one who can 'live-in' for the weekend and look after my lovable companion. I have not had a break in years!!! Health is failing, nerves are shot and emotionally, I feel like I am heading for a breakdown! I pray every day that God will find a solution for me.
Posie
I am a 27 year old woman, got married 2 yrs back which was an 'arranged marriage'..and now I am staying separately from my husband for past 4 months...Unlike the many stories above where the couple were together for 9,11 years, I am married for only close to 2 years now..The problems started within 2 months of our marriage..We are from different family backgrounds and what was acceptable in our family was just not acceptable too him..He used to point out mistakes in almost all my personality traits..The trust and respect was missing between us...He is a male chauvinist and will just not listen to any woman...He didnot like me to pursue my career which I doubt was because he felt my independence was a threat to him...He did send mails after our separation but I think he did that under pressure from him family members...I forced him to meet me once and tried to solve some misunderstandings...To me, it looks like the marriage is finished...Just waiting for him to send the papers now...Though finances are not a problem for me and I am independent in that respect, I do feel that I miss him and am afraid of living my whole life alone...I am an Indian woman and I believe that you marry once in a lifetime...Even if someone gives me the liberty of marrying again, it may take ages before I can trust any other man..
RS
RS, sorry to hear about your troubles.
Please, do not lose faith in yourself or what you can achieve without him being in your life. When you've been in a relationship where your confidence is torn down (we all have personality traits, that's what makes us us..doesn't mean they're bad ones), it's normal to feel fragile. Because even when you know in your heart what he says about you is false, it still seeps into your brain for you to turn over and over and when you hear something often enough, you start to wonder if it's true.
You're still very young and have plenty of time to meet someone else later. Relationships will be something you'll probably need a breather from awhile. For now, I would suggest you concentrate on getting yourself back to where you feel good about yourself. The more confidence you have and happier a person you are, the more attractive you become to others, both friends and potential partners. You have time on your side. Don't let the fear of being alone make you settle for this stifling relationship. Five, ten, twenty years from now, you'd still be regretting it. Good luck to you.
fiery
Thanks Fiery..This came as a breather for me.I was talking to a friend today and revealed to him that my husband may be waiting for me and my parents to apologise for our mistakes. He said if it can solve the problem why not do it. I felt as if I was only wrong all the time..It really hurts to listen to all this at this time but separations make a person so vulnerable...People keep looking at the person's mistakes to point out what went wrong...Donno how much time it will take for me to cum out of it..
RS
I have been married for 13 years and one day my husband told me our marriage was on the rocks. He will not discuss any details with me. He works tons of hours and i can't get him to ever discuss our marriage (he always has an excuse). He still does nice things for me and treats me nicer than he ever has. But cannot say he loves me anymore. We still live in the same house, no final decisions made except for the fact that it is over. My only conclusion is that over the last few years of raising children and everything else we lost eachother and grew far apart. How do i make this work with both of us living under the same roof and how do i get over him so i don't get emotional everytime he walks through the door?
he will not talk to me
This is such an interesting column. I find myself in this situation. My husband and I have known each other for 16 years. He blames me for gaining weight and demanding passion from him.He wants to live together either divorced or married. He wants passion and sees someone on the side. I am not sure if I can do this, but he won't leave the house and I don't want to either.he says he still loves me, but not for passion. How do people do this. Do people feel hurt or betrayed? Do they put that aside for the ease of the money situation? How do you start your own life? I gave a lot to my marriage. Is it easier to have an apartment and be alone or settle for what is left of a long time friend?
confused
I just read he will not talk to me and see myself there. How do you not get emotional when you see him or know he is with the other woman?
confused
i just read "he wont talk to me" and see my life there. I dont think i can continue to do this (it's been 5yrs)...my sanity is at stake!! something has got to change!!!
bewildered
I know a man who has been living seperate from his wife for 15 yrs. He came to me almost in tears one day because his last girlfriend who he claims is "love of his life" left him. He expects all the women he dates to completely accept this arrangement. I told him you're not likely to find a permanent long term relationship while you're still legally married--most women looking for a partner to eventually marry will not put up with this forever. I think he is so petrified of losing his money and material possessions and this is why he wont bite the bullet and divorce her.
stacey
Posie, I an astounded that you have allowed yourself to stay in this hell-hole marriage for 40years. Why on earth didn't you make a run for it at the beginning when he showed you his true colors and how he was going to treat you? The man obviously has no respect for you, never did.Why did you give him the respect and honor of sticking by him? Yeh, I understand that owning your own business is important but in my opinion, it doesn't outweigh self-preservation and self respect.
Dumbfounded
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