| | | | Keeping Romance Alive While Raising a Family |
By Seth Mullins
No partnership - married or otherwise - can continue to feel like a honeymoon after children come into the picture. For one thing, we're soon burnt out. The demands of the day sap most of our energies, leaving little left over for the moments (usually at the end of the day) when we might have alone time with our partners. Another matter is kids' uncanny knack to always need us when we're trying to enjoy a stolen moment; they tend to leave us with precious little uninterrupted time. We may have a handful of hours in the day that are free (when you add all the fleeting moments together), but they're seldom in one block - certainly not a block big enough for anything so "frivolous" as romance and intimacy.
To keep the strain of new familial commitments from draining all the joy out our relationships, we may need to initiate a new game plan and learn to nurture our connection with our partners in smaller, less dramatic ways. If time is precious and scarce, then we should make good use of it. For example, we can always find moments in the day to express our affection. Simple but specific compliments work well: "I love how you laugh", "You always look great in that dress", or "I enjoyed watching you play with Daniel this morning". Do this whenever the feeling behind it is genuine. Compliments work to open a person's heart, and make them feel attractive and appreciated. This can be crucial when daily parenting chores give us a self-image that's anything but glamorous and beautiful.
Because so much of our family life is consumed in doing, a romantic pursuit might not involve any activities (we already have enough of those) but rather finding a little space and time to do nothing together. Simple cuddling, breathing together, or listening to some soothing music for half an hour can make the difference. When you spend time this way, you're likely to begin associating moments with your partner with ideas of peace and contentment.
Communication can be effective in small doses, also. A phone call to/ from one person's work might only last a few minutes, but it can alter the mood and the feelings between two people for the remainder of the day until they see each other again. If you do this, make an effort to include something personal along with the details of the day. Tell your partner about something that made you laugh that day, or an insight you had, perhaps something that says, in effect, "yeah, times are hectic - but I'm really glad you're in my life".
Sticky notes actually work well for brief but meaningful communications, especially if you and your partner rarely inhabit the house at the same time. Any little note does more than impart information; it lets the other person know we're thinking of them. Intimacy can better thrive in a busy family environment if we nurture it in small ways each day, rather than staking everything on the rare payoff romantic evenings. When your partner does something you appreciate, express this to him or her; if s/he's looking attractive to you at the moment, don't keep the fact to yourself. Who knows when you'll ever get a better opportunity?
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