| | | | Tips for Talking with Your Teen |
By Anonymous
Teens are notoriously difficult to parent. All too often it seems we start out trying to make conversation and end up in a fight! While teens do tend to be moody, it might just be possible that our attitudes as parents are partly to blame for these chats turning into fights! Here are some tips for having a real conversation with your teen.
First, you need to treat your teen as a fellow human being. Forget about when you used to change his diapers and take him out for ice cream, those days are over and he won’t appreciate you treating him like that little kid anymore. Treating him like an adult (even when you see him as a child) is the best way to get your teen to open up and talk to you.
Respect that your children are not the same as you. They will have different likes and dislikes and you need to accept that . . . within reason. Obviously, if your sixteen year old daughter is trying to date a fifty year old, you will have to take action. However, for music and hair styles, try to respect your teen’s decision as you would a friend’s. This means that if your daughter’s love of rap comes up in a conversation, you should try to discuss it normally, not instantly insulting her choices.
Avoid negative terms when talking with your teen. Instead, be positive. Instead of saying “Don’t stay out too late”, a negative statement, you might say, “Please be back by ten”. It might seem like a small thing, but keeping the negatives out of your conversation is a good way to build rapport with your child and keep them talking to you.
Talk about things that interest them. Asking how school went is not a good way to start a conversation with your teen. However, asking what they think about the new car their best friend got could be the perfect way to spark an animated conversation. Watch to see what topics interest your teen and let him or her lead the conversation.
Keep judgments to yourself. As a parent, it can be easy to remark that your teen’s taste in clothing is only one step up from a hobo’s, but this is the fastest way to cut off the conversation! If it isn’t something serious, keep it to yourself, even if you have to literally bite your tongue. When teens feel that you are only out to criticize them, they won’t bother talking at all.
By following these tips, you will find that your teen will be more likely to talk with you, although it may take some time for him to get used to the idea. Be persistent and keep trying, without being negative, and you will eventually see results.
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I have a teenager daughter who has gotten into fights at school, got kicked out and it now attending another school. She started the new school off with missing 4 days. She is turning 17 and wants to go to dinner with a boy that I really don't care for, but don't really know that well. We can't effectively communicate, if I do try to talk to her in a calm way, or try to getinto a discussion, what I notice is she gets upset, becuase I'm not giving her the answer she wants. Granted we did tell her that she was on punishment for this action. I guess the question is should she be allowed to go out somehwere for her birthday. She thinks she should and this is her way to start gaining our trust. My husband feels otherwise.Any suggestions.
caught in the middle
If she is on punishment for a poor decision that she made, then I feel you need to stick by it. If you let her go just because it is her birthday, then you are allowing her to control the situation. There will always be a good reason to "let her off" for a night here or a visit there ... you have to stand strong. If she wants to gain your trust, then she begns by respecting your rules and the punishment laid out.
In our home we have a general list of consequences ... everyone is clear on what they are. My oldest daughter (16) knows that when she chooses NOT to do her chores each weekend, that she forfiets any computer time, visits with friends, date nights, movies, etc for the following week and up until the day AFTER the chores finally get done. She plays soccer and there are times that she may carry a full school load, 3 practices a week and games all weekend ... if she has made an effort to get some of her chores done, but couldn't finish then she is allowed a pass for the week ... but if she chose to sit around and watch tv all afternoon friday and then complains sunday evening that she had no time for chores, then no way - punishment stands. Her schedule is made ahead of time and very rarely are there surprises.
At least in my opinion, the trust comes first, then the privledges ... not the other way around. It works well here and I rarely argue with my 16 year old when the rules are set forth ahead of time. so far it is working with the 2 girls behind her as well :)
dianerene
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Hey, Who’s the Boss, Here?How to Deal with Lazy TeenagersThe Joys of Raising a Teenage DaughterParents and the Only ChildHow To Help Your Teen SucceedUsing Active Listening To Talk To Your TeenagerThree Questions to Ask About Your Child’s DaySeparation Anxiety and Your Child
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