Internet Relationships - Is It Cheating?

There is a site on the internet where men and women openly discuss their “internet affairs.” It is a kind of online therapy for cheaters. A friend who does a lot of web-surfing directed me to it. She thought I might be interested in writing an article on people who cheat on their spouses via the web. I checked it out and, after reading some of the postings, decided she was right. There’s a lot of information there. The internet has spawned a whole new definition of “extra-marital relationships.”

The internet is a wonderful thing; it connects you with a world of people you might not ever have met in your entire lifetime. For businesses, for services, for advertising, the net created a revolution for getting noticed.

There are also special interest sites where like-minded people can get together, virtual social clubs, if you will. But like any place where people meet people, there are potential problems. Internet relationships have become a by-product of the modern world of web-surfing; all well and good for singles, a new form of cheating for those who are married.

“I don’t really see it as cheating,” posted one man on the site, “it’s not physical. I’ll probably never meet the woman, but the erotic atmosphere adds a spice to my life.”

“It’s just harmless, sexy flirting brought to another level. No one is getting hurt,” is another posting.

Does internet cheating hurt if there’s no “real” relationship? Can it even be called cheating on your spouse if no physical contact is involved? The answer to both questions is yes.

While it may not be physical, it is still considered cheating. It is the emotional variety of having an affair. There can be no question about whether or not anyone is hurt. The knowledge that your husband or wife is writing erotic messages to another person diminishes the relationship you have together.

Marriage therapists are seeing more couples who have problems with virtual cheating than ever before.

Melissa Martirano, a couples therapist in the New York area, says that the couples she has seen where one spouse has used the internet as a means of cheating has tripled in the past two years.

“It hurts to know that your husband or wife has an intimate relationship with another person, whether it is in person or on the internet. Emotional cheating destroys trust too.”

Any person who thinks that virtual intimacy is innocent needs to re-evaluate his or her idea of marriage and decide what love and commitment really means to them. A relationship based on trust should extend to all areas, even the internet.

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“It hurts to know that your husband or wife has an intimate relationship with another person, whether it is in person or on the internet. Emotional cheating destroys trust too.” This is definitely cheating!

Nicole

If your man never meets these women, yet in some way his time talking to them online takes away from your relationship, it's cheating- in the emotional sense.

Ellen

I think cheating can be defined in terms of honesty and loyalty. If someone is online and flirting it's no different than in person because it still violates the basic idea of trust and honesty.

ChristineB

yes it is chesting because you are not focusing on one lover

cat

Wow, my boyfriend did this to me. & honestly it's killing me. He told me that it wasn't cheating& he was just playing a joke on her, but whatever. I just broke up with him for good today (: I'm proud of myself.

Kristen

Answering why people (men) cheat on their spouses is not easy to come by. Situations and opportunities are as good of starting points as any. I'm sure all men in commited relationships, married or otherwise, would not cheat for any reasons, but some do and will. I think a woman should try to differentiate sex and love. I think a man can have sex with a woman and forget about her as soon as it is over. Is it right? No, but it can and does happen. I think a wife should not remain with a man who cannot remain faithful to her and the best way I know for him to do that is to not allow himself to get into situations where a cheating opportunity could develop. And spend quality time with his family and provide an family atomosphere wherein his wife and family can be proud that he is part of them. Ask yourself would you be happier not having him in your life based on his past conduct. If not, give the another chance. May God bless you and your family.

Ishcaboo

My boyfriend of 3 years had an online relationship with a girl for about a month and I had no idea about it. He made her a video where he told her he loved her. He wrote that he has been lying to me for our entire relationship and he's always loved this online girl. He's never met her, she's lives in California, and she could be a man for all he knows. I'm so angry that he risked everything with me for this online girl. Where do you go from here?

itzybitzy

Hi, everyone. This will be a long post. Today is my six month anniversary with my husband, and it has really got me thinking. I've recently discovered that my husband is an internet cheater. This happened about two months before our wedding, while he was 2,000 miles away for work. He had signed up on a sex site (Fling.com) and had contacted women by email from there. He took inappropriate photos of himself to exchange with these women..and one email included flirtation and the suggestion of possibly meeting in person. I can find no evidence that he actually met any of these women, and he swears that he did not. I believe him on this. He is a terrible liar and has been very open with me concerning this situation when I approached him with what I had found. He says that he kept this discretion from me because he was afraid that I would leave him if I ever knew, but also swears that he was reaching the breaking point and was going to confess before much longer - the guilt was too much. I also believe that he means it - the introspective and uneasy way he has been acting recently was the catalyst in my search. We have had a week of very deep conversations, and I have realized that I am willing to forgive him and go to counseling together. My husband has been heroic in his efforts to fix our relationship. I expected him to either shut down or become beligerant when discussing these issues, but it has been quite the opposite. He was the one to suggest counseling and he deleted his email account (again, his idea). He tells me that he is sorry and that he never meant to hurt me. He has said that he did not think of what he did as cheating at the time that it happened - in his mind cheating is when you are physical with someone else. But after the devastation that this has caused in our marriage, he told me that he understands that even though he did not meet her, he knows that his emails were unfaithful - and that he was completely in the wrong by deliberately putting himself in a situation where I would question his fidelity. After that one late night of emails, he felt that he did something wrong (even though to him at the time it wasn't cheating) and he deleted his profile on the sex site and had wanted to forget it ever happened. We hope to be able to receive counseling within the next week. I hope that it will help. I know that he is sorry for his actions, and that all he wants is to be a good husband. Shortly after we were married he completely stopped looking at porn (something he obviously has an addiction to) and I do believe that it was his own way of cleansing himself of the guilt he felt from his 'pre-marriage infidelity'. I am at the point where I know that I can forgive him - part of me already has. I am just questioning on whether or not I can let go of my distrust and rebuild what we have lost. I am concerned by the fact that he did not just look at pornography (I understand the need for it when you're 2,000 mile

(I understand the need for it when you're 2,000 miles away for months at a time) - but that he was emailing with real women and it seemed that he had every intention of meeting one of them. I do not want to become a wife that questions his every move. That is not healthy for either of us. I want to trust him the next time he is across the US or the world. Has anyone ever been to counseling after a similar situation? How do you get past the distrust? I love my husband with all of my heart and have every hope that he will respect our marriage as he did not respect our engagement.

princessebethany

While I was dating my husband I caught him internet cheating. I broke up with him. He swore he would never do it again. I suspected he was soing it so I put software on his laptop. After 5 year of marriage I have caught him again. From what I have read he is into watching me have sex with other men. He has a favorite girl he has been seeing online and has online sex with her. He goes to websites about hung males and wants them to have sex with me. I'm devastated by what I have found. Shocked. You would never suspect he has these fantasies. I'm so freaked out right now. What in the hell do I do? All my money is tied up in our ranch.

Terri

Not to put too fine a point on it, have you actually tried talking to him Terri or just spied on what he's been doing via the software? Maybe his fantasies are just that...fantasies and he wants to keep them that way. It's not like he's having sex with someone in your bed, more like reading an adult magazine. I gather you're reading message boards he's posted on or something. Before you get too hot under the collar over the whole deal and thinking divorce, you should talk to him about it. Give yourself a chance to get over the shock before doing anything and prepare for a sit down conversation about why he feels the need to do that - but only if you can handle the answers. If you can't, then your only option is to choose to accept it or not. Otherwise you go on with your life and pretend you don't know. That's the reality of the situation. But once you open that can of worms, there's no going back.

fiery

To me it is exactly like he is having sex with another woman in my bed. When he came to bed after being on the internet he always wanted sex. I would have liked to have been involved in getting him there, not some other woman of man for that matter. You make marriage sound cheap and disposible. Guess it is. What I read was actual converstations of my husband kissing, licking and caressing other women. Not now, not ever. When I tried to talk to him he froze up. Then he went to take a shower and bailed out the back door. I started getting text msgs telling me I was abusive and he wanted a divorce. I had to turn off his cell phone as it was turning ugly. He showed up three hrs later and tried to break down the door. He cut my satelite TV wires and then was going to get in his skidster and take down every building on this place including my house. I had taken the keys out earlier as he sneaked back and stole my car. If I hadn't done that I would not have a house right now and he would be in jail for several felonies. I had to call the police and he was arrested for cutting the wires. It is a misd. in Ca to commit vandilism. I didn't want him there but I had no choice. He balled up his fist to hit me and I was truly scared. I was granted an emergency rest order. He is not allowed within 5 miles of our home now. Hope it was all worth it. I'm over the shock..now just hurt and dumbfounded. This time it was all my fault for trusting. Shame on me. If your man cheats he will do it again and again ladies. Addiction isn't pretty. My advice...don't have a computer in the house. It is like putting a whore in the corner.

Terri

yep..it's cheating... . If you want a relationship, then look to your spouse, and if you think your life is not going anywhere , get off the computer, and go to your significant other and remember that you married him/her lol That's a good place to start lol

fenderpig

I agree, since trust is everything by simple definition it would equal cheating, to me anyway.

ChristineB

I agree with the fact that Internet Relationships constitute cheating. However, you do need to know if your spouse is actually engaging in conversation that constitutes cheating. Suspicion is not enough. Confronting someone who isn't cheating can create more trouble than you bargained for. Sure an innocent person should have no problem letting you see the conversation, but you can't always be around while it's happening to ask. I've written a blog that discusses a great many topics surrounding infidelity and marriage. [b]http://howtomakemarriagework.blogspot.com/[/b] [size=2]Among the resources available on this blog is a software program you can load onto your computer that will eliminate any uncertainty. Once loaded the software will record every keystroke, provide screen shots, and monitor the sites visited without the user having any knowledge it's running. It could be exactly what you need if you already suspect online infidelity. If you care to check it out I would strongly suggest it. [/size][b]http://howtomakemarriagework.blogspot.com/[/b]

rh

Terri, I'm sorry you think I make marriage sound cheap and disposable to your ears. I don't consider it so at all. In fact, I stayed in a marriage for sixteen years where my husband was an alcoholic for ten because I believe that you should keep on trying until you can't anymore. That's what I did. But would I want to stay with a guy that behaved like you just described? Never. And I'm not talking about his online behavior. I did try to warn you in my post when I said that once you opened that can of worms, there was no going back. I'm sorry it all got so ugly, Terri. You can't blame the computer though, it's just a machine. Only the person behind the keyboard.

fiery

For so long I would pretend that this was not happening. But it is. His computer is more important then me. Sometimes I think he does not want to get a job because it will get in the way of his viewing porn & being in chat rooms. He will not change- will he??

tg

I consider this form of cheating very emotional, I have had quite a few run ins with this over the course of my relationship. He says, he was just doing it for a laugh, didn't mean it, it's harmless. Okay, I thought... he doesn't know these people... maybe they are doing the same thing. However, just after Christmas, I come across an email from a lady he works with at work. He said she wrote a few times, but he never emailed her back, so I figured, I write back and wish her a happy new year, be nice. Little did I know he had aleady done this, so my email from him, was just a joke, she knew it was me, she sent me some emails they had been writing back and forth. She said they made love, and that she loved him. He said they never, and he doesn't know why he even said anything sexual to her. So for the past few months we have been working on these issues, and playing a wedding, I wanted to put it off a year and he didn't see the need. So the invites are sent out, the dress is bought, church booked, reception everything. And then tonight what do i find out, he has another email address where he talks sexual to other women. Needless to say... I am an emtional wreck, and confussed... I had told him before if it ever happened again, I would have to break-up with him... Now it has and what do I do??? I can't marry a man who doesn't want to stop doing this, the marriage is already off to a bad start before it happens. Anyone with some advice would love to hear it... Confussed in Canada

Sarah

Only you know that, tg. If you don't think he will and he's not showing any inclination to do so, then probably not. There's plenty of job sites he could be looking at online instead of porn.

fiery

That's the problem with ultimatums. Once you lay them down, there's no way of going back really without looking weak. I think you know the answer here Sarah but you need someone else to say it. If he knows how much it upsets you and is not willing to stop now, then he's unlikely to stop it once you're married. In fact, he'll probably see it as you saying it's really okay with you if you now back down on this. I think you were right to want a postponement until you're sure and he's wrong not to take how you feel into account, especially when it looks as if it went beyond email chat and spilled into real life connections. What's more important than the actual computer issue is how he's dismissing your feelings as inconsequential. He should be willing to give you all the time in the world you need to be sure if that's what you feel you need right now. I feel it's better to cancel a wedding than to be stuck in something you'll always regret just to save face or divorcing later over this. If he can't put you first over anyone else at this point in your life when you're supposed to be in the most loving phase of your relationship, as soon to be newlyweds, when can he? Obviously you know him best and this is only an opinion. Perhaps he didn't get how serious you were about this when you approached him over it, but now's the time to decide whether you can or cannot accept it, before and not after the wedding. Good luck.

fiery

what should i do..have been in a relationship for 7mths..we do not live together..but i am very fond of him..i had a stong feeling of insecurity..and check out the dating sites..to which i wasnt surprised to find him on 6..i did confront him about this..and he deleted all profiles..execpt 1..which he has hidden..all this proves to me is the obis..that i am nothing..what should i do!!!..

carolanne

Hi there...I am sorry to hear about you dilemma and trust me, I feel your pain, I went through the same thing. All I can say is, at least you found out early, and you don't live together. I don't think it means it is over, but you should definitely ask yourself what you want out this relationship, and if you are both on the same page. I am in a healthy relationship now and would honestly never even thinking of checking emails or websites, I think that's the difference between trusting and healthy and unhealthy. It's all what you want out of life and what you're willing to settle for...

ChristineB

I found out that my wife of eight years has been having an online affair with poet boy. She uses the same rationale of “it was harmless flirtation” and that it “wasn’t physical”, so I should just move on. Yet she can’t seem to keep from going back to his myspace page or resist from leaving him comments on myspace pages where he hangs out. Now she continually tries to blame me for her actions. With two small children, it is difficult to move past the betrayal.

Rodger

I found out my gf was posted on a few dating sites wearing gifts I gave her including views of her sexy tatas i never got pic of with flowers from ?? and of our home thats very special to me and till this day I am painfully hurt because I trusted her with my all and love her MORE THEN I CAN SAY.We have been at war over my bitterness and I feel so betrayed after I found out she had met with a guy may be more had sex and still communicate daily behine me and chat living a double life while i am away working. It was a gut feeling before I found out with all the signs they are real.I am dead in the water now tired and sad.

Dv

I made a big mistake. I was down in US for a trade show, and along with my two colleges we met a women around my age also exhibiting at the trade show. In my industry typically the exhibitors are 25+ years older than me, so we don't hang out with many people our age. Not trying to justify just telling the story. This girl has a bf back home was down with her Dad for the show and so we all went out for dinner and had a good time, nothing sexual. We went out again the next night and then it was just my two colleges. We were just having a good time and NOTHING happened physically. When the trade show ended we all decided to stay in touch on online, just friendly. I had been emailing back in forth with this girl for over six months. Nothing long winded or anything, but I didn't tell my wife, which I realize is betraying her. Over the course of the emails many of them became flirty in nature and I thought it was just innocent. Here's were gets worse. My wife and I will have been together for almost 10 years and will have been married for 5 years this year. We also have two kids. Recently I left my account open and she read all my emails. I NEVER wanted this to ruin our relationship and potentially lose my kids. I would normally say I'm a great husband and father, who just made the biggest mistake of my life. I want to be with my wife and kids. Do I have a chance of saving my marriage and life? After reading all these posts and doing some soul searching I realize I emotionly cheated on her and broke her trust. Any feed back would be appreciated.

Steve

My husband cheated on me physically while I was pregnant. It was a very hard decision for me to stay with him and at the time it was basically for the kids. Now Ive started an internet/phone relationship with a married man, and all the resentment Ive felt for the past three years is gone. I now understand how a person can just connect with someone else. It isnt about revenge or anything like that. This just happened and it opened my eyes.I dont think what Im doing is right, and wont make excuses for it, but to feel this relief has changed my life. We are all human. We all have weaknesses. And if my husband had only been sending e-mails or visiting chatrooms I would not have cared. I believe that an online fantasy is no worse than a fantasy in your head, or watching porn. I admit that exchanging calls escalated what Im doing beyond mere fantasy, but Im not putting my family in jeopardy by chancing getting an STD or getting pregnant by another man. If my husband had gotten another woman pregnant then I would have divorced him, no question. I love my husband more than anything, and to understand how he could have done what he did is humbling. Love is forgivness.

laci

I have a problem with my husband who is always on line and communicates with this lady who is also married according to my husband. He will text this woman that she is sleeping if she around he would like to chat with her unfortunately or my husband he orgot to sign of and i read all the messages that has been going on with them I waited for 2 weeks b4 asking him on 4 days ago he left the bedroom and decided to be by himself because he does not see it as cheating and said i nag too much i was ble to get the womans pix that she posted to him and the pix that he posted to her to as evidence but he claims he is far across the ocean and that has no intension of seen the woman I am dissapointed we have 2 kids 21yrs and 16yrs the woman calls the house and he has her phone numbers. it hurts

cyndi

There are many different ways of cheating. If the devil can't convince someone to cheat in the body, then he will try to with emotions. What business does someone have chating with someone else's husband or wife - NONE! It amazes me how loosely people act by laughing and talking on the phone or email with a married person! They have no right - there is a HOLY SACRED VOW to the Lord & to their spouse. Remember, if you are caught up in an affair - no matter how much the devil tries to convince you that you love the other person - YOU CAN'T "LOVE" someone who has helped you to break the 7th commandment ~ if you feel "love" think again - it's perverted lust from the devil! Then, if you assist in breaking up a home - "THOU SHALT NOT STEAL someones husband or wife. Plus, the commandment - "THOU SHALT NOT COVET" - people break 3 commandments by getting involved with married people. This is a trick of the enemy - to take the truth down. You can get forgiven of the sin, but you will reap what you have sown, because God is not mocked. The bible says - be not deceived, ADULTERES will not inherit the kingdom of God. Spiritually or phyically - cheating is cheating. Wake up, people! The enemy is out to destroy homes - anything that is sacred in God's eyes - he wants it destroyed! BUT - there is a God - no matter how bad you marriage is - turn to HIM for help - not to the devil's lies - he is out to kill, steal and destroy on ANY level. FIGHT FOR YOU MARRIAGE on a spiritual and physical level!!! When you die and go to your final destination you won't regret taking a stand for the truth! We can't put ourselves in situations by talking via email, text or whatever to someone elses spouse. God is watching our every move! That is why the bible says for women to have downcast eyes, so they will not entice men into the act of adultery with their flattering eyes and lips - look in the bible - it's all there. Pray and fast for what God has joined together and stay away for someone that has scared vows to God & their spouse - you have no business to help take it down, by chating with them or what have you. The devil is out to take it down on any level he can! GOD WON THE BATTLE ON CALVARY'S CROSS!

Marital Fight

Good grief. Let me make sure I understand you. Married people shouldn't be allowed to talk or laugh with others or be talked to by single people? So basically you give up any kind of socializing whatsoever once you get married? No wonder no one wants to get wed anymore. Does that include going to church picnics, Sunday service and all the other church functions where a person might - gasp - talk and laugh with a married person? It might even be the preacher they converse with! Does that count as well? What you say makes no sense. And the "women should have downcast eyes" line just blew me away. What century do you live in? It's up to the MEN to control their actions just as much as the women. You can't blame it all on women because it takes TWO to have sex. The devil has less to do with it than plain old fashioned lust. I believe in God. And I believe in a loving God, not a judgmental one. But I don't believe that threatening someone that God is watching makes one ounce of difference. If they want to do it they shall. Remember, God was the one that gave us free will. [:D]

fiery

First of all, you took me wrong. Secondly, I'm married to a preacher so I have church functions reguraly. LOL! What this was pertaining to was internet cheating - yes, I believe when people are corresponding via text or email - enjoying emotional talks while the spouse has no clue is a form of cheating and can lead to physical cheating. I do not want to go into a war with you over the word of God, but in all reality - the bible speaks of a flatter that entices with her eyes and lips. Also, it says that a whorish woman takes a man down to piece of bread. The bible talks about a whoreish woman several times. You asked what century do I live in? Well, God is the same yesterday, today and FOREVER! You are right - God is very merciful on one side, but also there are judgments for those who do not live according to His word - if you read your bible you will see all about HEAVEN & HELL - why? because on one side he is merciful, but on the other there are judgments. Also, it says in the book of John that when we committ sin it is of the devil. Yes, we have free will and have to choose right from wrong, but there is a devil that entices - Eve fell in the garden by being enticed by a serpent. Too me there is nothing worth spendng eternity in hell over. Like you said God gave us free will - that's how awesome He is - we can choose His ways or ours! If you don't believe in hell, then you don't believe in the bible. God is not a liar - the bible warns who will go there. He doesn't want us to go there. He is merciful and wants us in heaven with Him, but the choice is up to us (free will). We all are full of lust, so we have to take control of it or it will control us. It does take two to tangle - therefore, we should watch how we act with someone who is married - there is a sacred vow there. Basically, affairs have to start somewhere - one thing leads to another. That is why I believe we should watch our actions at all times - that is what I meant by being to "loose" with a married person. No, I don't think it is right to connect with someone on an emotional level. If your single, then go find a single person to mingle with not a married one. It's about God - not us anyway! God Bless You! =)

HIS WORDS - NOT MINE!

The great thing is that we're all entitled to form our own opinions and belief systems. I'm not a person that goes to war with anyone over anything. However I will challenge things I don't agree with if I feel strongly enough about it. I call it as I see it. It's my biggest strength or weakness depending on how you look at it. I absolutely agree with you that we all need to watch our actions at all times. Both halves of a marriage need to be willing to work at that though. It cannot be all one sided because when one person wants a marriage to work and the other doesn't have that level of commitment or to rejuvenate their relationship to save it, it's sadly almost certainly doomed for failure. On other points I'll agree to disagree and leave it like that. Thanks for replying! [:D]

fiery

I think it's not a bad thing of creating relationship on Internet but cheating your friend is a really worse thing to do if you think that you've been cheated then you can take help from this site [link=http://infidelity-concerns.com/]http://infidelity-concerns.com/ [/link] [:(]

mchlk942

I think any relationship formed on the internet or elsewhere, that is a secret from your partner is cheating. I think it's that simple.

ChristineB

Its been going on for 2 yrs and im almost out of here.its the worst feeling to know he would rather let me go rather than stop.the porn was every where.i started to get wise when i put in his old emai address.we had gotten a new computer,some info was there and it looked incriminating phone dail ups thank you from some women named maria about helping her out.when i asked him about it he said i was crazy.i hired a detective to download the hard drive.i was so upset i didnt read the fine print they cannot obtain info held by the server etc.that was 1600 down the drain.i found alot of stuff on the desktop alone.of course i didnt know what i was talking about.i taped him with a mini recorder and bought expensive earphones.i heard him looking up other women and etc what a terrible ordeal.next month goodbye after 32 years.

Cindy M

I just found my wife was e-mailing an old fling she had when she was 19. shes 36 now so it has been awhile. she says it was just an innocent "hows it going?", but reading the e-mails it was anything but innocent. This happened in what i'm led to beleave is less than a month's time. there where phone calls, text messages and pictext also. She can't or won't beleave me on how bad this truly is. We've been married for almost ten years and a couple for over twelve years. She's trying to justifier her cheating by blaming me for driving her to it. What she doesn't realize is that I also have just as many grievances in our marriage as she does, but I'm not out looking for nor am i sharing an intimate relationship with another. Not sure where to go from here.

Mark S

Thats a tough one. Maybe she is just re-connecting with an old friend. If you're happily married and she told you thats not so bad. Is it?

ChristineB

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