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When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity

By Kristen Houghton

Nothing destroys a married relationship more than when a spouse cheats. Many issues are affected in the relationship, the least of which is trust. The hurt spouse’s self-esteem is shattered, the love that binds two people together is permanently maimed, and the idea of continuing to live together in the same house becomes a nightmare.

No one can pinpoint any specific reason for cheating except to say that it is not something which “just happens.”

Having a spouse cheat is especially heartbreaking for women. The idea that the man who vowed to love and honor her has gone with another woman can leave a wife lost and overwhelmed with hurt. If there are children in the picture the pain is doubled because of their emotional upheaval. When a man cheats on his wife the results can be devastating and cause a ripple effect of pain and resentment that can last years.

Different lifestyles create different ways of coping with infidelity.

Wives who are stay-at-home moms fare less well than those who work outside the home. In the house, where they had assumed that all was well and safe, they are surrounded by the domestic evidence of life with their husbands. Sometimes they don’t want to talk to friends or family members because they feel, wrongly, that they are to blame for their husbands’ cheating. Unlike their contemporaries who work at outside jobs, they may see themselves as unattractive, not sexy, and uninteresting. None of this is true, of course, but shattered self esteem can make it seem so.

What should you do when confronted by the fact that your spouse cheated?

The best action that can be taken after finding out that a spouse has cheated is no action. Do nothing for forty-eight hours. You are in shock and shock makes you do irrational things. Let the knowledge settle in and think of what your next course of action will be a week from that first day. Give yourself time to understand what has happened.

Seek counseling for yourself after the first week. As time goes on, your spouse may ask that you both attend couples’ counseling. If you agree, fine, but you need crisis help alone first. Couples therapy can come later.

Establish what this breach of trust has done to your marriage. If your spouse is sincerely contrite and wants the marriage to continue, decide if that is what you want also. Give yourself time to make the decision.

Do not go for payback; don’t have an affair just to “get even.” If forgiveness is possible for you, do so. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t make what he did excusable. Learning to trust again will be very difficult, but don’t play the martyr. Let him know the pain he caused you.

Remember, you are the one who is hurting. Give yourself plenty of time to heal.

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I have just found out that my husband has been cheating on me with this girl for at least 7 months. I feel horrible. We have an 8 month old baby. This article has helped me. Thank-you.

Trish

You have to stay strong for your child. Your friends will be there for you in this hard time.

Lisa

This is so right on to what I'm going through right now. My husband is a serial cheater. He keeps 2 cellphones both locked with passwords obviously to keep the filthy messages for his eyes only. He has the nerve to justify his act as a "guy thing". My husband is insensitive and disregards the hurt this has caused our marriage. He says that all his harmless (no-sex) cheating do not deserve my anger towards him. He is not the type of person who will work on resolving this either thru counseling or just between the two of us. I want out but paralyzed since I just recently quit my job and have no financial resource to leave. I feel so alone with all of my family being overseas. I am tired of forgiving and letting this come to pass. Instead of comforting me, he tells me he regrets not having crossed the line with all these women. How do I cope. Please help.

Maria

This is so right on to what I'm going through right now. We have been together for 15 years with 2 children. My husband is a serial cheater. He has girlfriends half his age and keeps emotional ties with women friends. One of them has proudly declared that she wears his shirt at night. He keeps 2 cellphones both locked with passwords obviously to keep the filthy messages for his eyes only. He has the nerve to justify his act as a "guy thing". My husband is insensitive and disregards the hurt this has caused our marriage. He says that all his harmless (no-sex) cheating do not deserve my anger towards him. He is not the type of person who will work on resolving this either thru counseling or just between the two of us. I want out but paralyzed since I just recently quit my job and have no financial resource to leave. I feel so alone with all of my family being overseas. I am tired of forgiving and letting this come to pass. Instead of comforting me, he tells me he regrets not having crossed the line with all these women. How do I cope. Please help.

Maria

Maria, first of all I'm glad you posted your message and welcome. I went through a similar situation with my last boyfriend, unemployed and scared. He not only cheated but was also abusive. I felt as if I had nowhere to turn. What I didn't know was, that all along, I did. Coping is no way to go through life. I'm not telling you what to because ultimately you have to do what's right for you, and no one can tell you that. I can tell you that one day I woke up and knew I had had enough. Like you I had nowhere to go and felt alone, ashamed and stuck. I confided in a few friends and family members and evetually landed on my feet. It has been over 2 years now and I am happily involved with a loving, wonderful man who I never would've met had I stayed. I should also say that in those 2 1/2 years I worked very, very hard on myself through counseling and self empowerment classes. Think long and hard about your happiness, your well being and your safety. This level of stress will take it's toll and no one is worth the outcome of that type of stress. I would say, reach out to the ones that are closest to you and listen to your inner voice. You'll find your way. Trust me, if I did, you will. It will seem impossible at first but one day you'll look back and say phew! I did it. I hope this helps.....

ChristineB

Thank you ChristineB. Yes, my happiness should be of prime concern. The stress and pain have indeed taken its toll. I've had enough of being fooled and strung along. The situations he has brought in to our marriage have destroyed my being and I will work hard in restoring the beauty inside me. Thanks again and I hope to soon post a new beginning from this nightmare.

Maria

i just cheated on my wife and cannot express how bad it is making me feel. i promised the other girl to keep it a secret. but am not that type - i cannot look into my wife's eyes when i know i cheated on her. after 1 week of torture i decided to be honest and tell her that it was all my fault and that i cheated. we have been married for four years. my wife makes me feel more miserable when she tries to assume some guilt when really it was me who was to blame. with tears in my eyes i say she said she will forgive me but i still feel so bad after all she has done for me. one thing i learnt for sure is that i prefer to live with the guilt on hurting my wife and paying whatever price i will have to pay rather than living my whole life with the nightmare of cheating on my wife and not telling her (that's the only consolation i can think of). i wish i can take back time :(

deeply_sad

i just found out that my sisters husband is cheating on her and i want to confront him! what should i do?

alice

A few days ago, I checked my boyfriend of ten month's cell phone. A text was there from a woman, which read "I love being your whore." He says she is a friend in an abusive relationship that he cares about, but never had intimacy with. He says she has a huge crush on him, but he only wants her friendship. I feel so awful, I can't focus, and I can't think straight. I would appreciate your feedback so much. Thank you

Lana

My girlfriend used to always look through my cell phone. That really bothered me. I feel like it's an invasion of privacy. She even said it's ok to spy on me when I go out. She said, "If I have nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem." She looked in my phone and found text messages that were really suspicious, but I did not cheat. They were just messages that seemed flirty and could be taken out of context. "I love being your whore" is really hard to pass off as a joke between friends. It is wrong to look through someone else's phone, but my guess is he is cheating and will deny it until you have undeniable proof. I do not know of any guy that would admit it upfront.

Mark

hmmm...thats a tough one. My opinion is that usually people aren't suspicious at first. If after dating they start looking at texts, phone records or emails, then there is probably a reason. The reason may just be insecurity, but it is usually not founded on nothing at all. My experience has been that if I suspect it, then it is true. It's sad but since the significant others are the last to know, (and will usually prefer to stay in denial), so when THEY suspect it it's usually (unfortunately) true...or at least partly true Just my opinion though...

ChristineB

thanks for your feedback. I never did look through his private things before; I just had an awful gut feeling, and acted on the impulse to look. Now he is in a foul mood with me, saying that I might as well stay with him since I'm so old (31 yr) and have so much baggage. I just feel bad, and don't really have anyone to confide in about this.

Lana

hang in there lana.....maybe some couples counseling would work? When I was in your boat I offered it and he said no...I kinda knew where I stood from that moment on. I'm not saying to stay or go, just to be aware of who he is, and who you are...and where you both stand with each other. Life is short, and 31 is not old! I'm 38 and I bounced back 2 years ago just fine! ....and am madly in love again, with someone new! I couldn't be happier!

ChristineB

It's been nearly 2 years since my husbands affair and trust does take time. You can heal, but I was crushed and for a long time. It didn't help that the other woman kept calling and texting. After 17 years of marriage i was determinded not to just walk away. I did have to take a step back and look at our lives. I had become very busy with work and the kids and just assumed he knew how much I loved him. I never allowed just us time it was always family.. And now I realize how important that is. We have grown closer and more responsive to one another because of this.. I made it clear everyone's entitled to ONE mistake, I just wasn't looking for it to be that one!! Also, I trusted him without question, work travel, late nights. I met the other woman and just wanted to loose it, but i took the high road so to speak, which just made her more angry.. I could go on and on but the wound has almost healed. Hang in there and try to salvage your relationship if you feel it's worth the fight and also take a good look and see if you've stopped communicating.. That in its self will tell you alot.

scorned mom

great advice! Sorry to hear you had to go through that but I guess we do live and learn.

ChristineB

I just found out my partner was keeping drafts of emails he says he never would send out (personal ad replies). He cried and then advised that he* felt so miserable he might end his own life.. and didn't care about his job. So I had to support him, so we don;t loose the house we just bought together and can't afford as it is.It ended up me consoling him after I found out he may be potentially cheating on me. (of course he denies cheating just that he was drunk one night on a business trip away). I am so scared. I have no family to talk to, and I am very shy and don't make friends easy. I have to face going to work tomorrow after just hearing this, and I don't know how to deal with that.. I just wanted to say you site and the feedback left by the others going through this helped me a bit.. but I don't know how things will ever come close to being the way they were. I want to forgive, but I'm afraid.I feel lost and scared. This is the second time I have found out a partner cheated on me. the last tme I went through this it took me nearly 7 years to even debate seeing other people.. I guess I should have waited even longer...I'm not sure what's worse- being alone and scared, or being in a relationship- alone and scared...Signed, Lost.

Corry

awww, hang in there corry. I know it doesn't like sound like much, but believe me it will get better. I think the thing you need to focus on right now is YOU. If you don't have friends or relatives to bounce things off then maybe a therapist could offer some sound advice. It is always hard and it is doubtful that it will ever be the same, but sometimes that's ok. If you get through this then things will likely be better because they'll be out in the open. If not, then you'll be stronger for living and learning. Life is full of bumps and bruises and all experiences make us human. On another note, is there someone you could confide in? At work perhaps? I don't mean during business hours, but maybe after? We're always here for you, no worries there, but sometimes a one on one is nicer. I had an ex who threatened his life too when he got caught. My therapist said "usually" those that say, don't do. As a rule of thumb that's cool....just be sure to know what the signs are for real, and not what his signs are to gain your attention and forgiveness. Hang in there! I hope this helps...even a little....

ChristineB

corry im like you exactly my guy cheated on me nd he wasnt admiting it when i saw messages he was givin me excuses yet worse makin me feel like i was just paranoid till i saw a chat log that had it all tellin a gurl how he wants her and all nd how he cant stop thinkin of her...then he admited coz how can he hide...nd hes askin for forgiveness i dunu what 2 do either im so lost!

bee

Hi im 23 years old meand my husband have been married for two years in july. i have lots of problems with his ex wife and foe the last six months he has been cheating on me with his ex wife. i dont get it we have a two year old beautiful daughter and i dont know what to do. His ex wife cheated on him so many times when they were together and i just dont get it. now he says he is more in love with me then ever and i just dont know what to do. are sex life wasnt great and he did things with her he didnt ever do with me. i guess i just dont know is he not over her or what. should i just move on?

Ashley

Hi Ashely and welcome. That's a tough call, and one that only you can make. When deicsions are hard, really hard, like this one I try to think with my heart, not my head. Try to not over think, just sit quietly and listen to yourself. You will know, one way or the other what to do. What you hear may not be what you want to hear but if you trust that little voice, it will be the right decision for you. I hope this helps. I know it's tough, I've been there and I would bet most people in this forum and in the world have been there too. Looking back, listening to your Self is always the best bet. Go with your gut, your instinct and your heart. You'll never be wrong.

ChristineB

I;ve been a cheater with an ex-wife, but not now. It was difficult when I visited my children at her home and the children wanted to do activities as a family that did not include my current wife. Example, child wants to walk holding a hand from each parent. Children want to play on floor with both parents. I knew I shouldn't have played family games that included my ex while excluding my current. Things just led up to sex, and after the first time, it became something rather routine. After many occurrences, I became ashamed and told her I couldn't do it any more. Even though my wife never found out about it, I still am pained for what I did, even when making love with my wife, whom I truly do love.

Ishcaboo

Ashley, you need to think long and hard about whether you're willing to continue to accept this. You have a two year old to think of. They want to have their cake and eat it, in my opinion. Don't give them the day to day responsibility of looking after the kids oh no or helping you do it too so you can share more time together, including feeling more like sex because you're not exhausted. No, they just want the fun stuff that happened before kids came along when they want it. I think it's shameful to keep not only the ex hanging that might be harboring hopes of reconciliation but to deceive the new love. How much more could you undermine a new partner's feelings about the relationship than to have sex with your ex, the most intimate act two people can share? I could never ever forgive that. It would crush me. Guys, relationships are fragile enough and if you can't trust yourself to be alone with your ex, don't put yourself in that situation. Meet the kids at McDonalds or something. Don't play happy families with your ex, because that's what you're doing. It's also unfair on the kids too who might think you'll get back together when you have no plans for that to happen. And by the way, just because you haven't owned up to it doesn't mean it's past and you got away with it. There's nothing stopping your ex giving your current partner a call one day when they're feeling vindictive or think you've given them false hope that you'll get back together. Either put your energies into making the effort with your wife to build a better relationship instead of sleeping with your ex, because something is obviously missing there that needs to be addressed, or be honest and end the current relationship.

fiery

I just found out my fiancee cheated on me and i feel devastated. it was with a woman that i told him repeatedly i did not trust, and he always laughed off my concerns. i have been with him my entire adult life and i truly thought we were happy. he has apologized profusely and wants to make it work. i cant imagine my life without him, but after what happened, i cant bear to look at him, and i am terrified that if i stay, this will always be hanging over us. Our wedding is only three months away, and i have no idea what to do.

Gwen

my husband and i have separated after 24 years ofmarriage. He was online with a coworker talking constantly and calling her or her him ALL the time. We fought over this because i thought it was wrong. She is married as well. He said they are just GOOD friends and now his best friend. Since we have separated they see each other and he began dating as well with her and others. But he calls me once in a while and tells me he doesn't want to give me false hope , but he misses me and wants to take it slow and see where it goes with me. When I am around him which has only been 2 times for only a couple hours , i feel like a stranger and have nothing to say.. i feel betrayed and no trust anymore with him. There are times when i don't hear from him in 6 weeks.. he calls maybe now 1 time a day or less.. think this is a midlife crises? or do you think the coworker is the one for him.. he said he is not allowed to talk to her anymore.guess her hubby found out... but he still is texting her ..and now calls me to tell me about her... whats up with this???????????????

dee

My husband and I have been married for 20 yrs. He is having medical problems and decided to clear his guilt over coffee in Cracker Barrell by tellingme that he has been having an emotional affair for almost 15 years. No sex, but petting...I am devastated. We have 8 and 9 yr old kids. My daughter, 9, heard everything during an argument. She is having as hard a time as I am. I don't know what to do. If he were healthy, and could get away without giving up any money, he would be with her. But because I'm not willing to walk away with nothing, she doesn't want him. BUT, he would if she would say the word. I don't want him here. But I want my kids and I want to leave the state to go live by my sister. He has agreed to move with me. But once we are there I want him OUT. Am I wrong for doing things this way...considering for the past 15 yrs, what he did to me.

lostmyself

Hi everyone! I guess this is for you all or whom ever can answer this best. I have been married for 6 and half years going on 7. My husband and i have been having issue for the last 2 and a half years with trust factor. He cheated and eventually told me about it. I chose to except it and move forward but not forgetting however 6 months ago the person he cheated on me with sneds an email saying that she had a baby that was about to turn 2 and she thought it was his baby. Wow it is still really new to me cause i just found out and I feel really stupid cause I am hurt and angry but I love my husband to. I am not sure what to do. I know if I take him back I have to except that outside child with open arms cause he is my step son but what hurts is I can't have anymore children and we came into the marriage already with children. None together and he knew do to me having an illness that I have to have a hesterectomy which threw that idea out the window for us. What would you do in my situation? Stay or GO?

Serenity

I know exactly what you are feeling I went thru the same thing with my husband. What I would say do is continue to love your current wife as you have and you must cut those kind of tides with the ex, my thing is if you all where meant to be you would not be currently married right! So you need to ask yourself is having sex with my ex worth loosing my current wife cause eventually waht you do in the dark comes to the light. I know you heard that beofre. I do however commend the fact that you stopped on your own.

Serenity

I, too, know exactly what each of you are feeling but I didn't think as I'm sure most of you didn't, that I would be looking for answers from others who went or are going through this. I feel that I'm dying inside and that my life was altered and tainted because at this time I am totally obsessed with horrible thoughts and don't think that I will ever get this out of my mind.

Bren

I have discovered my husband (second for both of us) has been cheating online with women. He is having explicit sex talks, even while I am in the room! I discovered this when our power went out and when it was restored his chats appeared on the screen. He says he likes it and won't change.

Leanne

I am not married, but I have a problem I need to talk to someone about. Me and my boyfriend of two and a half years, lived together. It had felt like a marriage, but the unhealthy thing was we would not have sex. It had bothered the both of us, but I am the one who decided to go and get with two other men, being the person I am, I had to tell him how devistated I have become. Doing that act was the worst thing I could have ever done, but it made me realize that he is the one I want to spend my life with. Being twenty I thought I needed to have sex and wasn't being satisfied, but now I know we could have sex if we were more open with eachother. I hope he comes back to me...

lost

Um..I was with the same man for 4 years...Our wedding was supposed to be august 30th but I found out he was cheating. HE came clean about everything and grabbed me, begging me not to leave him. He has been beggin outside of my door for weeks and is declaring that he is a changed man at the thought of loosing me. He said he ended the three week affair after she threatened to harm me in order to have him. I am so devastated. I saved myself for marriage and it just seems like "the whores" are what men want rather than a classy women. I am a psychologist and still don't understand the pathology of a cheater!

Destroyed

when my husband was away on a trip i looked through his personal stuff and found sex tapes of him with a prostitute and another with him alone he's a sex addict and takes hash on daily basis we haven't had sex for almost 2 years as he blames my character that he dislikes and that i am not dirty sexually enough to arouse him .. i am under a shock after watching those tapes and i feel destroyed totally

ronda

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year July 11th and back in March I started getting a gut feeling that something wasnt right. So I took it upon myself to go through his things.What I found made me even more suspicios.He has a whole shoe box full of DVD Porn and a box of condoms that had been opened so I counted them .. and I continued to go back and count them every week and found that some were missing every time I checked them so I decided to go further and check his cell phone and wallet I found passwords to all his email accounts which I started checking and passwords to dating sites he had apparently been using. He had his phone locked to where I couldnt check his sent calls or received calls nor his text mesgs but he forgot to lock his media gallery and I went through all his pics and found a pic of a girl named Aimee I also found a pic of her breast he had on his phone..I questined him about everything and of course he lied to me and said that breast pic was something one of his friends sent him and that aimee and him were just friends that he had met through this other girl he knew that I didnt even know he had known. He said she was having marital problems and that they talked about her problems. I tried to accept what he told me as the truth but I kept having this gut feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasnt right so one weekend while I was out of town I set up a fake email account and started talking to him online well he replied wanting to meet me and the day that I scheduled for the meeting to happen was the date that I was coming back from out of town and he and I were suppose to be together well he sent me a text telling me that one of his friends had an accident that he needed to go to the hospital to see about him and I knew I had got him..he was going to cheat on me with this fake girl I had set him up with...I busted him for this and then found out he had been cheating on me with this aimee girl that ended up being a married woman. He had been lieing to me the whole time and he said he stayed with her because she was threatening to tell me about them ..which I think is B*** S***. She since has went back to her husband and is now pregnant and in the bottom of my stomach I wonder who the baby belongs to and at first I wanted to try to work things out with him but Im scared to death he will do me like this again..he has taken my self esteem away ..I feel so bad about my self and I know I dont need to be this way..what am I going to do..I cant stand looking at him and I dont feel the same way but I feel sorry for him..Everytime I try to tell him how I feel he threatens to end his life..I dont want him to do something stupid like that. What can I do !!

Dont know what to do ??

If you were my female family member I'd strongly encourage you to immediately begin living your life without that guy and would personally work with you to facilitate such a move. I have been a cheater and, contrary to popular belief, a cheater can change that type of behavior. I believe the risk of losing a girl friend or spouse of value needs to be more important a few minutes of sexual intercourse to the cheater. Your guy obviously does not think the value of his relationship with you is very important to him. You can do it!!

Ishcaboo

The one that it hurt was my daughter. I feel once a cheater always a cheater. If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything. Go and get you a STD test. His friends might be carring something you don't want. It is sad because it hurts the whole family, not just the spouse.The other men in the family are very upset.I bet this wasn't those guys first time. They just got caught THIS time. I don't care how much money he has your sanity is worth more than he can give. You got it I am very upset about this. We support our daughter in whatever decision she makes but the family will NEVER be the same.

Mom

i just found out my husband cheated on me in 2002. he confessed when i found recent emails to the lady he was with. i emailed her and she said it happened 1time, but they email each other maybe 3 times a year. i found an email he replied to when we were on vacation last month. she recently moved out of state. he apologized, insist that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. i always thought he was different from other me and special. the crazy thing is i believe he would not do it again the lady he cheated with was his sorar from school and they started talking in the chat room of their phraternity. should i give him another shot or not. we've been married for 10 years. i don't know why he cheated. it is so unlike him and his personality.

mom of 4

My answer was intended for "Mom of 4.)

Ishcaboo

I posted a reply to you but I don't know where it heck it is. It is some where in the system. Maybe I'll find it soon. Do hang touch and think about yourself and you children.

Ishcaboo

We have been living togther for 6 years and were married 6 weeks ago. I discovered a few days ago that he has had several ongoing online relationship with women he met over an online dating website (adulfinder)Some of the correspondance dates back a few years! He even met and had dinner with one of the women.when away for buisiness. He admitted to the meeting and the emails and visiting porn sites. I phoned the woman he met and she seemed a relatively decent sort. His profile on the webite said he was a widower which he was!!!! I made him show me the website after I busted him, The woman admitted to meeting him for dinner and said that fooled around but did not have intercourse. This dinner date was in April as we were making plans for our wedding, they stopped corresponding late May as she had met someone else. The other "pen pal" and he stopped corresponding in January, I do believe him when he said they never actually met as I made it my mission to discover who she was. I know that if he had seen her there is no way he would have slept with her. The emails were pretty intimate though. The third "pen pal" sent him video attachments that were very graphic. I believe he may have purchased sex toys for her, so that she could video herself, I believe he has corresponded with her for years. I do not know but have suspisions that he may have met with her when away on buisiness.He has promised to stop this. I have told him that we can try and work this out but it would require the help of a councelor. That he was to make an appointment. He has and the appointment is next week. I don't know if I will be ever able to trust him again, and I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life policeing his every move. I am worried that if I eventually can and do let my guard down that he will start again.

Seashell

My husband cheated on me two years ago. I decidied to forgive him and we have been in marriage counseling ever since the affair. Our marriage since the affair has been better than ever and we are more in love then ever before. However two days ago he told me that he was out drinking with some friends and ended up making out with another girl. I told hom last time this happened that I would divorce him if it happened again. But now that it has happened I am so confused and dont know what to do. What does everyone think can he change and never cheat again? Or do you think it is time to divorce? It is hard since we have been together for ten years.

Abbie

It's really sad when the person you think you can trust turns out to be a liar. I'm dating this guy that in the begining told me that he was not seeing anyone that he had friends. Blind me didn't realize that "friends" meant people he was sleeping with. He insists that they mean nothing to him that however after reading an email he stupidly left open, I found out that atleast one of his relationships is beyond the just sex phase. I feel lika a fool because I keep falling into the same emotional traps with men and begin looking down on myself as though I'm the one thats doing something wrong or is lacking something. I really want to tell him that I dont want us to see each other like that anymore but I cant think of a valid enough reason without spilling the beans that I read his email even thought he left it open on a computer we share. Any suggestions/advice?????

delima

my suggestion would be - spill it! if HE left it open, he obviously didn't care enough to hide it. you don't need a valid reason to allow someone to continue to treat you like dirt, leave it and find someone who respects you for you. just my experience, but I dated a guy that I had known since childhood. he was older and we were never close, but it was a childhood crush ... so when he asked me out in college, I was all for it. well, about 6 months into it I find out he is married! he was seperating from her and had been in the process of it for a year, but the fact that he never told me was a huge slap in the face. of course, other than that one minor (NOT) detail, the relationship was great! so I let it go, and 4 years later I finally dumped him once and for all because of the constant lying and break up-to-make up he was pulling. sadly, he wasn't my first relationship built on mistrust, but I made sure he was MY LAST. I have always been one for giving second chances, because there were people out there who were kind enough to give me one when I needed it. but if you're not comfortable with your gut feeling, then trust it! I am a firm believer that we all know deep down when someone is trying to pull one over on us, it is just a matter of us trusting ourselves MORE to listen to what we know is right. and if you still need a valid excuse to leave, then tell him "I care about you, but I care about me more" ... it's all you need.

dianerene

Four months ago I found out that my boyfriend of 8 years cheated on me. I found many many text messages from his cell phone to a number I didn't recognize on our bill. When I called the number, the voicemail was a girls voice. I will always remember that moment in my life as the day my world fell apart. He and I have been together for a long time and were best friends. We were distant for months but I thought it was a phase we were going through that would pass. He is not the type of guy to cheat, so I never thought anything like that. When I confronted him, he admitted it. I asked him questions and he answered honestly. I didn't want details because it would have just killed me. He told me that he loved me and that it was a mistake and that he told her 2 weeks before I found out to leave him alone and that he loved me. She knew he had a girlfriend from the start, but it never stopped her. He never promised her anything. Apparently she was a loose girl who was bisexual and very aggressive. For a few months, I couldn't stop the pain in my heart that I felt every moment of every day. We decided to try and make it work, but part of me just wanted to torch his stuff. I thought better of it and decided to give him a try. I insisted that we both got tested for STDs (even though he said he used protection) and told him that if I even see ONE text or call to her, he would be gone. For the past four months we both have talked more than we have in years. We both cried. He is ashamed and so remorseful for what he did. He constantly tells me he is sorry, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I am sure it will be rough for a long time. Now I don't trust him at all. He met up with her behind my back while I was sitting at home trusting him. I feel so conflicted. Because even though he hurt me so much, I didn't stop loving him. But I am so angry that he put me through this...I feel like I should just be on my own. We have decided to give us time to see if we can make it. Make changes, earn trust back. We gave ourselves till the end of the year. We are starting to get closer now and then on friday, she texted him from another number just to say 'hi'. After 4 months!! He doesn't know I checked his phone, but I am SO ANGRY at her that I don't know what to do. Is she that desperate?? Yes, he is to blame because he allowed it to happen, but he told her to leave him alone and she is still trying to make contact. Just being sneakier about it. He did not respond to her text message and I have since blocked her number. Will this ever be ok? My life has been completely changed by this. I am so angry at her for trying to mess with my life again, I want to hurt her and it scares me. I don't know what to do anymore.....

Stacy

I just found out that my husbamd has been corresponding with a women via email and his cell phone. I was reading our emails and came across a very suscpious one from a woman seeking a date with a picture. I started looking to see if he might have another email address set up through another server. Well after a few moments, I found an email address that he had set up under Yahoo. There they were...emails from her and those that he sent her. She sent him pictures of herself that were quite explicit. He implied that he was divorced. It also indicated that they had spoken over the phone. I couldn't believe it. Of course, I got very upset and confronted him immediately. He admitted that he had gotten her number off a dating service he saw on television. He said that he stopped a few weeks ago but he couldn't even look me in the eye when he said this. He told me that he never met her and stopped before it went that far. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Whether sex was involed or not...he cheated. He broke our trust. I don't know what to do anymore. We've been married 15 years and have two beautiful children. I don't think I can forgive him.

Tiffany

My husband and i have been together for 20 years, married 15 of them. He told me a month ago he wasn't happy and was moving out. The first week out, it was to help our marriage and not about going to the bars, second and third week out, it was about going to the bars, but not meeting anyone, and now he HAS met someone that he is seeing, but doesn't bother to come see our 3 children. 15, 14 and 6. First of all, how do i get the knot in my stomach to go away, from knowing he is with someone else. And second of all, how do i stay strong enough so my kids don't see how bad it is killing me? He is so detached, and goes days without contacting the kids. We were always such a close family, we did everything together, and now the kids are lost. And i am just trying not to think of him with the other woman. HOW DO YOU DO THAT????? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!

tryingtomoveon

My husband did the same thing. He would get info on "singles websites", then a month ago told me he was leaving me and my 3 kids. He swears there was no one before he left, but i know there is someone now (its only been a month). Its the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with, and i'm sorry for what you are going thru. But i hear it gets easier to deal with. i hope that is true

tryingtomoveon

It's hard to stay family friendly in my post when I read things like this. Some men don't truly understand the meaning of a commitment. Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis, but he needs to think about what kept you both together all that time and find a way back to the family. I understand about hiding your anger and frustration from the children, but I'm sure the older children sense what you are going through. Walking away is immature and irresponsible. After what you two have been through, he OWES you the complete truth. He OWES you time to work through your problems and see a counselor.

Lisa

He refuses counseling. He said he's afraid it will work, and that isn't what he wants. My kids are in turmoil. They are so confused. I have read about midlife crisis, and it is trully what he is going thru. My therapist said there is nothing i can do about it, other than to just move on and try to find happiness. But knowing he is with someone else, so quickly is hard to get past. How do you get past the "thinking of the 2 of them", when i have been with him most of my life??????? this just sucks.

tryingtomoveon

It does. Definitely. What helped me is realizing just how many people have been where you are. We made it, you will. And another thing is that I bet a huge percentage of those that went through are are glad ...it is hard in the beginning but now that it's over I'm GLAD. You will be. Focus on the positives and let him go. It will take time, but in the end you will be happier than ever. really!

ChristineB

I just found out a couple of days ago that my bf cheated on me 5 months ago. We have been together for 4 and a half years and have lived together for 3. He has lied to me in the past about other women, but I have never had proof of anything and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. This time I do have proof. The other woman didn't know I even existed. She feels terrible and told me exactly what happened. They only met that once since she lives out of state, but they have been exchanging emails and texts. They were going to meet in another city a couple of months ago, but he says he cancelled because he couldn't go through with it. He denied it completely up until the point where I told him that I spoke with her directly. Now he says he will try counseling or whatever else he needs to do. He says that he has a problem and doesn't know why he lies, but he wants to try counseling to get to the bottom of it. He says he wants to change. Losing him would mean losing my best friend, my home (since we live together), and my family since I love his famly like my own. I just don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what, I am screwed. I want to believe that he can change, but it scares me. I don't want to get into a marriage with someone who might hurt me and future children. He says he was planning to propose to me in a couple of months, which I am inclined to believe since I noticed he had been saving up a lot of money lately. I am just so confused and hurt.

unsure

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