| | | | The Rights of Adopted Children |
By azaleaeight
When it comes to adopted children it seems fairly obvious to me that they have a right to know they have been adopted right from the beginning. It also seems obvious that grown adopted children should have the right to meet and know their biological parents if they wish, and that their right to that should take precedence over the biological mother's "right to privacy". After all, "what is best for the child" is supposed to be the aim of mothers when they're deciding what to do nor not do.
There are some rights, though, that adopted children should have that are often forgotten:
The right to be wanted is one that is often the reason children are placed for adoption.
The right to know that being adopted doesn't have to mean being different from the other kids is one right on which many people need to do some work. The right to feel "like everyone else" is a right some people think cannot be bestowed on adopted people. I don't believe feeling like everyone else is impossible for adopted children when adults present things correctly.
The right to understand the very dramatic ways in which nurturing in the first three years of life can affect a child's personality and brain development is one right many people forget that adopted children should have.
The right to be viewed by other people as no different from anyone else is a right that requires some work on the part of people who can have trouble "getting past it" once they learn someone has been adopted.
The right to the very normal thing of having one mother and one father at one time throughout the formative years is a right that shouldn't be forgotten.
The right of the youngest of adopted children to being shielded from some ugly realities that may exist around the birth circumstances, and the right to having any such ugly realities put in a perspective that helps the child, once he's old enough, to understand better should not be overlooked.
The right to have the fact of his being adopted forgotten by people like adoptive relatives, teachers, neighbors and friends' parents is a right many adopted children don't have.
The right to be told how so many people who were not adopted children may know very little about their grandparents or other family members beyond their immediate family.
The right to be referred to by people outside their family (adoptive family) as "their son" and not "their adopted son".
The right to having parents point out any ways they see in which he happens to be similar to them in personality, abilities, or even - although its coincidence - any physical characteristics. I'm not suggesting parents of children who are very different in appearance must stretch the truth about physical traits. I'm saying that when any similar traits do exist adopted children can enjoy hearing the same kind of comparisons that biological children do. Nobody needs to bring up the genetic realities. Adopted children should just have the right to hear what non-adopted kids hear.
The right not to have the fact that they're adopted be the main focus of their life and existence, and this leads to the right to be a person in their own right
Post a comment
im adopted and i want to know if its at all possible and legal to locate my biological parents behind my legal parents' back. are they allowed to deny visitation rights even though i want it?
shelb
I too am adopted and although not positive I believe it is legal to find them. You may have to be 18 though...I'm not sure.
I was always open and honest with my adoptive parents....why "behind their back"?
ChristineB
because im 17 and ive been with this family for 7 yrs. even after those 7 years, i believe that they are hiding something. when i approach them with this type of question like do you know anything about my mom? she always replies i dont know. but i think she has to know something. behind their back as in taking it upon myself to find something out that they might not want me to know. get it? i know that if they found out that i was doing research on locating my biological mother, she wouldnt be too happy!
shelb
I agree, I think you need to be 18 to find out about your birth parents, but you may be able to find out more with the assistance of your adoptive family. a lot of it depends on the type of adoption you have - open/closed, international, etc. sometimes the birth parents put restrictions on how much you can find out.
I defintely feel that you should talk to your adoptive parents about it though, they may be helpful.
dianerene
all i know is that somewhere along the lines, my mother failed to sign some papers indicating visitation or court appearance of some sort and since then it has been decided that all ties should be cut. i've tried to ask my parents about it but its all until im 18. thats so long!!
shelb
Sorry shelb, I know that must be tough. Try to be understanding from their point also. I know that's not much consolation but it must be really hard on them too.
ChristineB
sorry Shelb! that is a difficult situation, I'm sorry that you have to wait. The only thing I can think of is, if you were adopted through social services, you might be able to find some help through your old social worker. some of them will work with the children through finding legal ways to reconnect. otherwise, it's dependent on your adopted parents andyour age.
have you told them how important this is to you? is it that THEY are refusing to help, or do they not even have enough information to be able to help?? did the courts decide to close up the paperwork???
dianerene
okay im 13 and i know who my real patents are and everything weve been talking for a while now and my parents that im with now dont want me to talk to them. but i really want to have visiting rights....... they fought for 4 and a half years to get me back but they couldnt she was only 15 she is now 28....she didnt sign the open adoption papers cuz she didnt want to give up on trying to get me back...... i want to know if it is now legal or illegal to talk to my real family......when i dont talk to them i feel like there is a piece of me missing :[[
keyona b
wow, you are in a difficult situation.
as far as it being legal or illegal, is hard to say. but I think since you do have contact and you want to continue it, it might be a good thing if you could talk to your adoptive parents and maybe get them together with you biological parents so that you can all get a chance to express your fears, your hopes and maybe work something out? I can imagine what you are feeling, and I can also imagine that your adopted parents may be scared to lose you.
good luck!
dianerene
[font=tahoma][color=#663366]I'm on the other side of the issue at hand here. In 1998, I gave my daughter up for adoption. It was a very open adoption...she was adopted by my sister's in-laws. She is now 10 years old, and I see her every now and then at special family functions (weddings, some birthdays, a few Christmas parties, etc). I get pictures of her now and then, and I display them proudly. She is beautiful, and I wish every day that I could go back and do it differently.[/color][/font]
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[font=tahoma][color=#663366]For those who are adopted...if you want to see your birth parents, you should first discuss the desire with your adoptive parents. If they are against it, ask them why. Maybe they are afraid of losing [i]their child[/i] to the [i]other[/i] mother/father. If that's the case, then reassure your parents that you just want to meet your biological parents...that you have questions that only they can answer. Maybe have a few counseling sessions with a priest or elder of your church...or even a therapist. You know, an outside, unbiased opinion. [/color][/font]
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[font=tahoma][color=#663366]I don't think that going behind your parents backs is a good idea. That will create trust issues for you and them. Remember, they love you...just as though you are their own flesh and blood.[/color][/font]
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[font=tahoma][color=#663366]In my case, I await the day when she comes and asks questions. I have no idea what I will tell her. Yes, she knows that she came out of "my belly." She hugged me at the last Christmas dinner (about 3 years ago) that I saw her at, and I cried the whole trip home (2 1/2 hours). [/color][/font]
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[font=tahoma][color=#663366]Most of you who are adopted have the same question .... WHY? Why did you give me up? Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you love me enough to keep me? Ohhhhh, if it was as simple as not loving you. I'm crying now, just thinking about the pain that you (and my daughter) must feel at the thought of their birth parents "discarding" them. I was married to a man who was a drug addict and alcoholic. He abused me for years (i left him in 2000). Why did I "give her up?" I didn't. I chose to let her have a GREAT life with two parents, over letting her live in fear of her mother being killed by an addict/alcoholic. Or worse, she being hurt or killed by him. Her new parents are wonderful people who love her so much...just as your new parents love you so much. Why didn't you love me enough to keep me? I loved you enough to let you go...to keep you safe, healthy, happy, and secure. Why didn't you want me? Ohhhh, it hurts me every day that I don't have you. I cry a lot...but you are SAFE. You are happy. You are thriving. You are loved by soooooo many people.[/color][/font]
[font=tahoma][color=#663366][/color][/font]
[font=tahoma][color=#663366]Don't give up your search if you truly want to know your biological parents. However, sometimes it's better to not know, and maybe your adoptive parents don't feel you can handle the "truth" about the events that led to your adoption. Weigh your options, as well as the consequences. And, most of all, pray about it. Ask God for guidance. Ask Him what HE wants of you. And remember, we don't always know what God is doing in our lives, but have faith that HE KNOWS what He is doing, and He will never, ever hurt you.[/color][/font]
[font=tahoma][color=#663366][/color][/font]
[font=tahoma][color=#663366]With all my heart, I love my daughter. And, when SHE is ready, I'm here to answer her questions.[/color][/font]
[font=tahoma][color=#663366][/color][/font]
[font=tahoma][color=#663366]Oh, one more thing...the day she was born, her new daddy's mother came into my room to meet me. I was crying, and she hugged me and said, "You have done a wonderful thing for our family, and you have made me the happiest woman in the world." What she didn't understand, was that her happiness was caused by my misery.[/color][/font]
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[font=tahoma][color=#663366]God Bless...and good luck to you all.[/color][/font]
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[font=tahoma][color=#663366]Just K[sm=hug.gif][/color][/font]
Just K
thank you so much for your post Just K. it brought tears to my eyes as well.
I think the new grandmother knew that her happiness was brought by your misery, but I think she also wanted you to know how much she appreciated your sacrifice. they don't make hallmark cards for moments like that and sometimes finding the words to express our gratitude towards the birth parents just don't seem to be enough to get past the hurt we KNOW you are feeling. for me, to be happy about my youngest and all the things she does, feels very selfish in the presence of her
birth mother. I am always reminded that my joy of having her means her birth mother's sorrow of being short one child.
dianerene
Related articles:
Talking with Children about their Adoption
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