| | | | Are You Married But Single-Parenting? |
By Kristen Houghton
Many married women seem to be living a double life of sorts. Despite the fact that they are one of two parents in a household, they have taken on the responsibility of single-parenting. They’re the moms who do everything from showing up alone for Parents’ Night at school to taking days off from work to care for a sick child, without any help from their spouses. As a parent it is the most frustrating of existences.
Whether working full-time outside the home, or choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, some women are finding that all of the responsibility of raising a child falls squarely on them. They are the prime parent. The stories from the mothers I interviewed for this article all had the same theme.
One mother told me: “I believe in parenthood and I thought that my husband felt the same way. He certainly was excited and proud about being a parent. But almost immediately after our son was born, his care became my responsibility. Even when I went back to work when he was six months old, I was still the one and only parent who got up at night and who made sure he got to the sitter’s in the morning. I know he loves our boy but he is not actively involved in his care.”
Another mom had this to say: “Responsibility for every single aspect of our children’s lives falls to me. We decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom but that shouldn’t mean I have no time for myself. Sports practice, dance class, ferrying them to doctors and dentists; it is all up to me. Even though he is in the house, I feel as if I’m raising them alone and I need a little help!”
Still another said: “Though he’d never admit this even to himself, deep down inside he feels that most of the mundane daily child care chores are for the woman to do. This is causing problems in our marriage.”
While there are certainly times when one parent or the other is so overwhelmed with job related business that, out of necessity, the other parent takes on all responsibilities, the majority of the time parenting should be a shared experience.
The percentage doesn’t have to be fifty-fifty. One parent may have more time than the other. But expecting only one person to do all the myriad of things caring for a child entails is unfair. Even a seventy-thirty division of parenting will work and the “seventy percent” parent will not feel overstressed and resentful towards the “thirty percent” one.
In a two parent home, both parents need to live up to their responsibilities and share the raising of their children. The idea of one parent doing all the work, while both parents reap the joy of having children, is outdated.
Being a parent is a joy and an honor as well as a responsibility.
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In the article, it didn't state if the wife had asked the husband specifically to help out, and I don't mean "can you help me?" ... and it didn't offer any advice. It's one of those articles that just made me sit back and say "yes, I am married and a single parent" and then feel pissed off about it.
I am a stay at home mom (SAHM) and, yes, the majority of responsibilities fall on me. I take the kids to and from school, to their doctor visits, practices, I attend the back to school nights, etc. There are many times that I felt like a single parent and when my husband and I discussed this I found it was because he felt I had it all under control. when I asked for help, he would try, but he didn't know what I needed help with. When you are the person who manages the social calender, how is someone else expected to know HOW to help?
Now things are different, and it's not because my husband works less hours or because I have hired a nanny (haha), in fact, he works more and longer hours and we have another child. It is different because when I need help, I ask for it specifically - "would you be able to get off work early on thursday to be here when the pizza guy comes so that I can pick up daughter number 2 from karate, then pick up daughter number 1 from soccer practice, drop off her friend and make it back before the other 20 kids from the soccer team get here?" Very specific and it serves 2 purposes ... 1) being, I told him when I needed him, what I needed him for and 2) I even opened up the door for him to swing by to pick up all the girls and bring them home FOR me if that was a more convenient option for him.
I am not supermom, and even though I have chosen to have 4 kids with very active lives, I didn't choose it alone. My husband loves his kids, but he also has the responsibility (in our situation) to make the money for the house - that's a huge weight. So when I need help, I need to identify exactly where I need help, and then ask for it. It makes my life, and my marriage, a much happier situation. I don't claim to know that all the situations are just like mine, but being a SAHM, and knowing many other moms at home, I do know that many times the complaint of feeling like a single mom can be helped by asking for (and accepting) SPECIFIC help.
... just my thoughts on the matter ...
dianerene
I am a work at home mom, and all the responsibilities fall on me. Maintaining my full-time job, I care for all aspects of our 2 childrens lives, appointments, I do all the housework, shopping, lawn care, snow removal, and running his business as well as my own work. I don't feel I should have to ask my husband/father of our 2 children to help me, he should just do it when he see's it needs to be done, just like I do everyday (even my children do things that need to be done without telling them). It would be like me not paying the morgage one month cause he didn't ask me to. Men need to step up to the plate we are not living in the 50's here. I agree with Diane's mention of the social calendar, however, our entire calendar is updated daily in full view of the door he walks in/out of everyday, so unless the man can no longer read I shouldn't have to give him a play by play. Harsh I know but that is how I feel.
julieb
Oh I totally get where you are coming from, Julie. And I don't think it is harsh. I was answering more from the point of someone who felt like the single parent in my marriage and what needed to be done to change it. My husband knew what was going on in our house, because we too have a calender posted, but for the first few years after I quit my job and began helping him from home and taking care of the kids, he *assumed that I had everything under control because [i][u]it just got done[/u][/i]. So he never *saw where I needed help. Meanwhile, I am resentful because I am busting my hump to take care of everything at home while he is working late because "everyone will be at soccer practice and I have plenty of time to get home". He didnt know that I needed help (or more importantly WANTED help) because it I never said anything - I just DID IT.
And of course, there are the times you cannot plan for or schedule in - those are the biggest issues. I no longer feel like I have to carry the stress of last minute changes on my shoulders alone ... the team pizza dinner is tonight at our house, and soccer practice is being cut short cause of rain and the driver of carpool is going to have to make an after hours meeting and I need to pick up the kids from their function - that's where the "choose your device" speech comes in - can you be home early? or pick up the kids?
So I agree - we shouldn't have to give our spouse the play by play, but when you are trying to get out of the situation where you are the only "parent" in the marriage, it's a good place to start. In the people I know who feel like they play the single parent, it is usually brought on themselves - not always, but usually. I have a friend who complains about it and I say "ask for help" she says it is easier to do it herself than ask for help - I used to think that way too. I tell her that she has no right to complain about something unless she puts the same amount of energy into fixing it, if she refuses to make an effort to fix the problem, then she has no room to complain about it. I just try to live by those words.
dianerene
I think the article was excellent. It was about the reality of being single in a marriage. It was not an advice column.The author is telling the truth.I took her ending to mean that both parents have to step up to the plate, both have to talk together.Cate
C. Yorke
I so agree. I am so bitter about being a single, married parent. I wake up an hour early every morning to make breakfast, get myself ready for work, get my daughter ready for school, pack her things, & driver her to school. I then work 10 hour days (4 days a week). I come home & cook supper, help with homework, do the dishes, help with baths, & get her to bed. I then do a load of laundry. My husband (who works 8 hour days) sits in the recliner & watches tv (b/c he's tired)!! My daughter is almost 6 yrs old & he has given her 7 baths her whole life. He has NEVER driven her to school...he's usually still in bed when we leave in the mornings. Plus, he gets home an hour before me, but NEVER starts supper. I driver her to dance & basketball practice. I take her to every doctors appt she has ever had. I take her to b-day parties, etc. I go to parent-teacher conferences myself. I'm so sick of this!! I'd rather be alone & a single parent than married & a single parent.
Pocahontas
Dear Whiners, I am a married father with a newborn baby. I knew when I got married, I was basically cutting off my p**** and putting it in a paper bag and handing it to my wife. This is why I waited to marry until I was 32 yrs old. I also knew that when we had our first baby, my wife would set that paper sack on fire and throw it at me. This is why i waited until age 38 to father my first child. Moral of the story: men sacrifice their sex life when they get married. Women think child rearing is going to be a blissful, delightful, wonderful thing! Then when they find out how much work it is, they go nuts and hate their husbands. Get over it. If a husband has to sacrifice his sex life and become a monk when he gets married (which all husbands do), then a wife has to sacrifice her social life/freedom when she has a baby. That is life. Don't have a baby unless you are willing to raise it by yourself. This is why it was so difficult for me to decide I was ready to be a father...I knew there was the potential that I would have to raise the baby BY MYSELF if some terrible disease struck my wife, or she passed away in a car wreck, etc. So all of the whining really needs to stop. Just be glad you even have a husband/spouse/partner providing $$$ for food/housing/etc. There are so many dead beat dads who provide $0 for their families and just run off and desert them.Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's time for you to hear from a man's perspective.
Erik
Erik, most fathers don't see marriage as the end of their sex lives-that is ridiculous!Your attitude is unbelievably chauvinistic.
c. yorke
Erik if women were meant to RAISE children by themselves then they should be able to get pregnant by themselves. You provided half of the DNA therefore you should be providing half of the "raising". You talk about women sacrificing everything for the children but what do men sacrifce...money? Is that all you men think that you are supposed to do? Give a little money and everything is ok. I don't think so. If that were the case there would be no point in being married and having babies. A woman could just get pregnant and raise it on her own because according to you that is what married women should do too.
JoyL
I feel what you moms are going thru, I to am in your shoes. It gets tiring and in the end you feel resentful towards your husband. And Erik, I am glad you cut off your P**** because if it was intact yet I am sure that there is someone reading your crap that would do it for you and shove it somewhere you would not want it.
frustrated
Erik you have a very odd way to looking at life. First, not all marriages are so black & white as you make it sound. I am a full time mom and have a full time demanding job. I also pay a large portion of the bills in the house. $$$$ provided for you - yeah if you sit at home and don't work maybe - hello - the vast majority of women in today's world work. Get out of the cave man! For whatever reason there are alot of men, not all because I know some husbands that are full time dads and help out in every way, but there are men that feel that it doesn't matter if a woman holds a full time job - she is still treated like a SAHM - and that is NOT fair. We work all day, then come home and do a full days work at home, help with the homework, run the kids to their extra activities, go to the school meetings, doctor appts, shopping, etc. Are you getting my point?
Gabi's Mom
Dainerene I am a new member and it is absolutely amazing that the first post I read is one that gives me a much better outlook on what my husband is thinking. I totally agree that he thinks I have it all under control. In his eyes I am Wonder Woman (without the body). He never helps until I ask. Sometimes he seems a little put out but for the most part he does what I ask of him. I'm not a SAHM but I do only work part time so I have more time to do the family things that need to be done. Thank you for helping me understand what my husband might be thinking a little better.
TKT
TKT
[font="trebuchet ms"][size=3][>:]Well, I'm a newby here, and no longer a practicing Mommy...my two sons are adults, and I have a grandson. But, golly, my DH and I were both parents to our boys, unless one of us was temporarily deployed (we were both Army Officers at one point). I breastfed, but he could do everything else as well as me (if not better, actually!) We made these guys together, we raised them together, and we broke out the champagne to celebrate when the youngest left home--TOGETHER!!! We made a decision as young newlyweds 30 years ago to aim for a modest lifestyle with a family focus in lieu of one of us clawing up the corporate ladder. We had some tight times fianacially, but I couldn't imagine being the sole parent while my spouse was off the hook because he (or she) were "just" the breadwinner.[&:][/size][/font]
BlueRidge
welcome to the forum TKT! and you are welcome :) communication is key, isn't it? [:D]
dianerene
congratulations on getting your children off on their own, BlueRidge! seeing you and hubby work together hopefully gave your sons the heads up - a dad's help is always needed [:D]
welcome to the forum!!
dianerene
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