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Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands

We see her on the news, in the flash of cameras, a well-dressed attractive, women standing beside her husband as he addresses the media. With sad, haunted eyes, she hears her husband state that he has been unfaithful to her. Even as we watch in curiosity, our hearts go out to them as we secretly thank God that it not us standing at the podium having our dirty laundry aired for all to see.

Infidelity is extremely difficult to deal with when only you and your spouse know about it. Having the complete world know that your spouse cheated is catastrophic to your self-esteem. It is humiliating and degrading. Divorce seems the only real option to this disgrace. He cheated, you’re leaving, that’s it.

Months later we’re shocked that these same women who were so publicly humiliated have decided to remain with the spouse who cheated.

And yet, many women choose to stay with their husbands, try to rebuild their marriages and make them stronger. It isn’t just women whose lives are in the spotlight; women from all walks of life remain in a marriage after a cheating husband has confessed his infidelities. There are many reasons for this decision.

Some stay for religious reasons. They view marriage as sacred, a union sanctified by God. Others stay for the sake of their children. Still others make this decision because of the length of years they have spent with their spouse. Then there are those who have a love deep enough to forgive and go forward together. Whatever the reasons, infidelity is not always an automatic step towards divorce.

Can these women really overcome the pain and humiliation of infidelity? Will their marriages survive to become a workable partnership once more? Is there married life after the infidelity? The answer to these questions is a surprising yes. It will take time and understanding.

Marriage in and of itself is a complicated union. Two people make promises to each other and begin to live a life together. Add love and trust to the mix and you have a strong bond between a woman and a man. Most of these unions are successful in that vows are honored and a common ground for living together is planned and accepted.

Infidelity damages the indelible bond of trust on which all relationships, most especially marriage, is based. If a person chooses to stay with the spouse who cheated there are certain issues to be addressed by both partners.

The cheating spouse must be truly contrite and make a solid commitment to never again be unfaithful. There can be no compromise about this.

Trust can never be completely reinstated and the husband who has broken that trust must understand this fact. Knowledge of his daily whereabouts is no longer simply a matter of courtesy; it is a necessity for his wife’s emotional health.

Couples counseling is a must. There are many therapists who deal specifically with issues of infidelity and are especially helpful in charting a constructive course for the marriage.

The “cheated on” spouse needs to rebuild her self-esteem by taking care of herself emotionally and physically. An exercise plan to release feelings of anger and despair, a healthy diet, will contribute to a feeling of well-being.

Individual counseling is also needed. Whether you choose to go to a spiritual advisor or a therapist for counseling, it is a necessary part of the healing process for you. You need to understand that his cheating was in no way your fault nor that “the other woman” was in any way “better” than you.

You do not have to forgive. Acceptance of human frailties is what is needed.

Marriages can be repaired after infidelity. Time and effort on the part of both spouses need to become part of daily life. Kindness, patience, and reassurance on the part of the husband who cheated are expected.

Surprisingly the very same infidelity that has the potential to destroy a marriage, can also make a couple realize how close they have come to losing all that is important in their life together. It can work to rebuild a marriage that may become stronger for having survived this breach of trust.

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Wow! Did this writer read my mind or what? My husband cheated and I stayed because I saw a man who was basically a good father and a good friend. Our marriage is workable.

DeeDee

But what if he cheated again? I just am not sure how I would feel. Would it get to the point where I accept his cheating ways or ignore it.

Lisa

DeeDee I agree with you, this writer knows her stuff. But I totally agree with the once only. if it ever happens again I think I would have to be out at that point.

Losi

I agree too, but easier said than done. I have found when that happened to me I was either to blind to see it again, or in total denial of it happening.

ChristineB

I left, at 70 years of age , the new pills for old men are kiling marriage and the women in them. And the men start to get dangerous to live with.They want you out of their way , and not by divorce, where they have to half their money.I had to leave to save my life.

Sue

hi ladies,my husband cheated with my friend the first night he met her in my home,after i had gone to bed .They continued this for three yrs ,i knew nothing.Until i got a wart.He triied every which way to deny it .I had a break down lost 6 kilos in two weeks from not eating.I stayed because I was in deep shock and couldnt do anything ,It was like he had died in and i was grieving,which is what the doctor said and thats how it felt.A few moths late and im still not much better,I find out he slept with my sister a few yrs back also,now i was starting to wonder about the time id found dockets from a shop with perfume and baby products that had been bought ,but he knew nothing,.Now i wondered if hed ever ben faithful or loved me .Im a mess Ive thought of suicide Ive thought of doing something to them,i believe in god and my children keep me going.My husband swears he loves me but i cant think straight anymore.When I tell him to leave and he goes I get ill and start vomiting,I cant brath I feel so awful.I am still with him but I feel totally crushed,but cant let go please somebody help me,if you can.

wendy

hi wendy,we got the same fate,everything,the only thing that keeps me going is tru prayers and my kids,offer it all to God,Trust in him completely,Its so hard but its the only thing we can do.I pray that someday all be well for us.God bless!

marisse

I've been with a married man for 12 yrs now, he says he loves me and the wife (they will be together 16yrs), she has found out about us 5 times in the 12 yrs. She lives in denial and goes back to believing whatever he tells her, he tells me he'll leave her when the kids get older which when we started the affair there were no kids, she got pregnant to hold on to him. I wish I could leave him and try to find someone that wanted just me and only me. He has a hold over me and the wife that I can't seem to break, I do love him but yet get very upset with myself for staying with him, I know there will never be a future for Joe and I.

Jane

My husband went to Maine with 5 friends and they were at a bar for three nights, I knew he cheated on me, he said it just happened, he had no reason, it just happened he said he made a big stupid mistake and he was so sorry, it took him 3 days to finnally admit it to me, now, I feel violated, we have been married for 36 years, he's 56 I'm 55, when does the hurt stop, he swore to me it was the first time, he said he went to strip clubs and stuff and had lap dances but never cheated, I do beleive him, I give him everything, I keep myself in good shape, I dress well, I make love to him almost every day,or at least 4 days out the week, I wear sexy clothes, I cook, and he had no reason to look elsewhere, they say men stray when there not haappy at home, we were very happy, what happened? There are no calls on his cell phone, I know he loves me, I know he doesn't have a girlfriend, he never made any excuses working late out of town never, was it just a stupid mistake, I still love him and he is trying so hard to make this up to me, but I hurt so bad, its so hard to look at my girls, I have 2 girls 30 and 34. I have 2 grandchildren 9 and 6. It hurts when I hear my daughter say, mom,we want to be just like you and dad, they just celebrated there 2nd anniverary, we do everything together, same interests, what happened??? I'm so hurt

Anna

Anna, would you be interested in what an ex cheater has to say as to why?

Ishcaboo

I would...

ChristineB

To Wendy,You wrote your story so well....and it happened just that way to me, too. I felt the same shock. It is a form of post traumatic stress, no doubt about it. I have been married 30 years, and dated my husband for five before that. I wasn't ready to marry right away at 25, so I held off. I dated others, too. But I began to love only him. He was wonderful. Everything a woman would ask for. He was funny, friendly, cutsie with me, wonderful and helpful as a father, nice to everyone, cooked, bought great gifts for me (now I wonder about that), you name it. But he seemed to invoke un-ease in me sometimes. I was never a jealous person, but something about him brought it up in me a bit. I felt it for over 25 years in the pit of my stomach. It was insidious the way it wore me down. It robbed me of my smile. Nothing I could put my finger on. He'd just laugh it off. Here, he'd been cheating most of the marriage. He was a cop by the time we got married, and it was before the days of cell phones or pagers or having two cars. I would never have followed him, anyhow. I did love him. A woman somehow knows that SOMETHING seems wrong, but maybe doesn't know for sure, so goes into denial. Heck, there's the family, babies and the house etc. He was just not home all the time. He worked shifts. I was lonely, but in it for the long haul. I had no idea he was with other women on the job. He said it was during those monthly platoon card parties; barmaids and cop groupies. I had no idea women went to them. Here's me ironing his shirts and getting him all ready for those parties. What an idiot. Once I even sent him a belly dancer as a joke to one of them, while I was pregnant!!!! How stupid!!! It came to light, or I decided to finally see it, at a picnic in 2001, I was in my mid-50's and he could not take his eyes off a younger woman there. I had NEVER seen him look at anyone like that in all the time I knew him. Then he started showing up at the store where she worked "just to shop". It hit me like a ton of bricks because until that day, I had never seen him look at anyone in that long-gazing way. I confronted it and told him I knew he'd had affairs (I didn't really know,I just said it) and to just confess it because I was leaving him either way. He did and I was emotionally sick from that day forward. It's been over 6 years of being sick to death. I have never been the same. He didn't want to leave. I did finally have a "last straw" when some woman from his past job sent him a Christmas card and it sounded more than just friends. Even when we were having problems....more women!! So many women and I never really got jealous. I thought they were just friendly and nothing else. As always he would say it's not HIS fault they call him, etc. I divorced him. He STILL would not leave. I didn't force him out, either. I didn't want all the expenses. After a year of just living with him and trying to date a bit, he convinced me to remarry him. I did, but I

To Wendy,...and you are right, it does feel like someone you treasured, has died. You do not know it now, but the terriblness of this does eventually pass, though it takes a long time. It's hard to wrap your mind around it now because it's too big to grasp, but you do get to a point of living through it. I am just beginning to get ahold of myself over it after 6 years. I felt so traumatized that even counseling didn't sink in. But I am very glad I was finally able to get past the worst. It is worth it...Linda

lkmagiccity

To Wendy,I lost more of what I had written, but in essence, now, I read fun books, I take fun vacations with him...just focusing on brighter things. I am a nurse, and I still work. I am trying to pack in some good memories into my mind again. I can't change what has happened, my old family photo's seemed ruined to me for a long time, but I don't want to give my whole life to this. My children in those photo's had nothing to do with this, so I can look back at them again. It's not what I wanted or thought I had, but the pain has eased up considerably and I am so much better. You will be, too. Him? Well, nothing seems to have bothered HIM so much. He just goes on like nothing has happened. After all...it didn't HAPPEN to him!...Linda

lkmagiccity

Ishcaboo, yes I would be interested

Anna

I'm really surprise that anyone would want to know what a guy who has cheated on his wife has to say. I know as I write this that there are no married women will accept it with the sincerity I have in typing it. Well, here goes. I think when a married man cheats it is never about his wife, not about what she looks like, how nice she is to him, how she sexually satisfies him or any thing at all unfavorably about her. It may be a desire to have a one time sex act with someone else. But it's just sex!! No emotions: no soul sharing; no commitment; no promises. A set of circumstances and temptations could create a moment of arousal, a desire of a just this one time won't hurt anyone attitude. Just a physical temporary act for which he probably will later be sorry. It though it may not matter to you wives, but a single act is what I'm talking about. An ongoing affair is entirely different. I think an ongoing affair is definitely a break down of trust for which the husband should not expect his wife to forgive or forget. [censored] So, give us guys a break. One act of cloudy thoughts, or not thinking about the affect it might have on others should not destroy a marriage. I'm not making excuses. Just trying to ask understanding about how such single acts can happen. And I am your friend. [size="1"]Mod Note: Please make sure your posts are suitable for everyone as the forum caters to children from age 13+. [/size]

Ishcaboo

I have heard this excuse before, and to me it is still an excuse. thank you for your bravery in sharing it, but I have to ask you this ... if it were YOUR WIFE that stepped out of the marriage and cheated, would YOU accept this explaination? honestly?? when you agree to marry someone, when you take that step, you are (IMO) saying that you will [u][i]no longer think only of yourself[/i][/u]. you become a part of something bigger, and that part can, and will, be affected by the decisions you make each and every day. when I married my husband, I gave him a part of me. I trust him with my heart and my secrets and my fears. for him to go out and have a 'single act' of anything that we have agreed is cheating, is a violation of that trust. and beyond that, it's not a mistake! it's a conscious decision to break that trust! you don't just stumble into someone and say "oops! we just had sex!" it's not like falling down and skinning your knee ... it takes some, even the most basic, level of planning. I do agree that men, and women, don't always cheat because their home life suffers in some way, some do it just because the opportunity presents itself. but when you are married you are taking on the feelings of someone else. in the same way a parent considers their children in their decisions, so should a spouse.

dianerene

I was with you until you said "give us guys a break". For breaking a promise, betraying a loyalty and hurting someone you love? Sorry, you lost me right there. Everyone is entitled I suppose to mistakes but please don't ask for forgiveness in such a non chalant, you are entitled way..it's insulting and frankly ridiculous. At the very least take ownsership of what you did, whether cloudy or not. Own it.

ChristineB

IshcabooThanks for being honest, I love my husband and I think I know that the guys he was with helped that along in some way, but like he said no one had a gun to his head, he was wrong, we are trying to make this work, I just can't stop thinking about what she was like and why he did it? Does he still think about it? Is he really that sorry ,I think so, but it will take a lot of time for me to get back any trust at all. I can't sleep and can't think I feel consumed by this and I did nothing wrong. It hurts me so much because I never thought he would do that ever. Not him, but now I don't trust anyone, I feel so used. Thanks for honesty though. It doesn't stop the hurt and shame I feel.Anna

Anna

Anna, I truly understand your pain. I understand why accepting a husband's act of cheating is seemingly unforgiveabe. What would any of us do if Jesus held all of us to such high standards of personal conduct. I understand why the "excuses" I gave were offered as justifications for doing something that one wanting to do anyway. What I said undoubtedly has been said before. My parents were married more than 50 years and a couple at my church has been married more than 70 years, yet neither of the partners of those unions can or will say that the marriages were perfect. I maintain that a marriage is more than sharing physical interactions. Physical interactions without emotions, i.e., love and everything that goes with it, is meaningless as grounds for unforgiveness in a marriage where the husband does everything else right and satisfactorily in the eyes of the wife. I,m not talking about a serial cheater. I have done my wife wrong but I know for sure that my wife could find a better husband than I have been. Does my wife ever stop wondering what the other woman was like? I'm sure she does but what the other woman received from me is no more than a grain of sand on a beach in camparison to what I give my wife every day of her life, as well as I give to my children. Perfect love does not exist. Perfect trust does not exist. An otherwise marriage of high value of between two imperfect human beings is worth a second chance. Valuate the whole person. Who is he without the single break in trust? Is your life better without him than the two of you praying together as he asks forgiveness and you granting it and never again bring up the subject. My God continue bless your marriage. P.S. Sorry about any typing mistakes. I don't type very well.

Ishcaboo

maybe it's just me, but it seems like you are comparing a single instance where you cheated on your wife, to a man who forgets to put the toilet seat down. my husband is not perfect, neither am I, and we love each other despite our faults. I am moody, a perfectionist, and I have a short temper ... he is a bit of a slob, and always leaves me with an empty gas tank ... these are character defects, things that can be forgiven and worked on, not stabs to the trust we have in each other. No marriage is perfect, I agree ... all marriages have to be worked on ... absolutely ... but to treat infedelity as if it were a minor shortcoming is absurd to me. I'm not saying that any person who takes a cheating spouse back is crazy - I feel it is different for each and every marriage, but I do not agree with the rationalization you have given ... cheating is slightly more destructive than just having a non-perfect marriage.

dianerene

My new husband is very handsome, and younger than me. He loves me so much but he has much less experience than me sexually. He wants to fool around. He wants to chat on the net. He is the type of guy who likes women and wants sex with more than one woman. Like someone here said, I'm good to him, he loves sex with me, and he is very satisfied with me in the marriage; however, his character is that of a cheater. He prays, goes to religious services, but sees that as his one big weakness. He wants to change, but I know he can't do that. I am afraid of him having an affair that becomes serious, afraid that my body can't measure up to a 22 year old's figure, and that he'll lose interest in me if he finds someone he is attracted to more than me. On the other hand, my fears are MY fears. I think he likes the stability of home, its comforts, and basically he wants me as the permanant fixture in his life--the perceived "nice girl." To be completely honest, I have a lover since before I met him and have never given him up. This doesn't effect my feelings or my lust for my husband. I do like the variety of the two. So I'm in a really strange situation because I'm very jealous (as is he, and it would break the marriage if he knew about it) but I want to be understanding and trust that the marriage comes first, always. Well, that's just how I feel.

Confused

you want the marriage to come first? but you know that what you are doing would cause your spouse to leave you?? but you continue to do what you do??? confused is not the word I would shoot for [;)]

dianerene

Diane, please be more tolerant. Any thing worth saving is worth the effort of fixing when broken. My comments to Anna were intentions of offering a bit of comfort for her pain and suggestion on reasons why she should look at the whole man in order to alleviate the hurt. Happiness, Diane, in this world of folks who seek the elusiveness of happiness in marriage, work, religion, business partnership or whatever, is what one is willing to settle for. I will never understand or would want to, people who refuse to acknowledge and deal with human weaknesses. They think nothing of a husband or wife who fantacize about another person while making love or even when not, which, according to Jesus, be tantamount adultry without the actual physical contact. So where do you stand from a christian stand point. Control of mind or control body? Or both? I'd like to know. And by the way, my 5 sons have been taught to never leave the toilet seat up and so was I. I,m enjoying the dialogue and hope and pray I have not offended you or anyone else.

Ishcaboo

I do understan Ishcaboo what you are saying, I am a religous person. I think that's why part of me wants him to stay, we are working on it. I just can't get by all the lies he told me to protect his friends. I can't understand why a man would pay for sex with a private lap dancer when our sex life is so strong. That's what I can't understand. Why? I could see if I was a bitch, or moody and didn't want sex but I make sure I look the best I can when he comes home from work, I have conversations about his day, I'm not perfect by all means, I am not the most beautiful thing on earth but I take very good care of myself and dress well, and dress sexy for him. I'm not saying we never had a fight we did, no marriage is perfect. I did forgive him, but I also hate him for what he did. I'm the one hurting and not being able to function, he wants to forget it and start a new, he seems like it doesn't bother him, I know it probably does but he is trying to help me forget. He is telling me how much he loves me. It was a bad choice a stupid thing he did, but it doesn't make me stop thinking why he did it in the first place. Yes I do think it was opportunity, in Maine I'd never find out, but there has to be a reason and he says there is no reason. First he told me he picked up a girl at the bar, and went to the parking lot in her car. Then after three days of questions he finally said it was a strip club all the guys went he didn't want to tell me that because he thought I would be so mad I would tell the other wives. He said he kept his pants on and just touched her. A private lap dance for 20$. What is up with that bullshit. He also said he had them before but never a private one. So, how do I believe him now? Have him followed if he goes out? I can't live like that, I want to trust him, I really do think he is sorry, but only time will tell. I don't want to throw away 41 years of being together, I love him very much. He does love me, I have no doubt, really, but I hate him for what he did, it was wrong, he broke our vows by touching and having sex with god knows who and that disgusts me more than anything. Even though it's not an affair. If I didn't find out would he still be doing this. Would he still do worse things? I don't know. I pray to God to help me through this because some days, I just want to die that's how much I hurt.Anna

Anna

I think I am being tolerant, I havent said that your wife is a whackjob for taking you back, or that any person who takes a cheating spouse back is a nutcase (and please know this is totally in jest!). In fact, it's quite the opposite. I respect any person willing to try and work through something the significant. I have seen marriages work after cheating, and I have seen trust rebuilt. the only part that I do not agree with is the comparison of cheating to that of human weakness. in my opinion, weakness is something we have no control over ... an initial thought or "knee-jerk" reaction. I cannot control the flush in my cheeks when an attractive man compliments me, or the increased beat of my heart when I am flirted with. I can control what I do after that ... the distance at which I stand, the tone of my voice, and ultimately, whether I have sex with him. ... you cannot control your first thought, but you can control what you do with it ... (in response to control over mind/body question [:'(]) I have a friend that has not smoked a cigarette in 15 years. she has found herself looking for her cigarettes, not really conscious of what she was searching for, and she says that a week into her smoke free life, she lit one up without realizing she had done it (force of habit), but once she realized what she was doing, or what she is seraching for, she has the CHOICE to continue or stop. once the choice is there, the control is given. so unless there is someone who can HONESTLY say that they just FOUND themselves in the middle of the act, and never had the thought, "this isn't right", "I should stop", or "what the hell am I doing?" then sure, I would say that it was a weakness ... something took over your conscious actions. but how many people can really say that has happened? I have known a lot of cheaters and all of them have told me that there was regret or guilt at some point and they "felt they couldn't go back", but they choice was theres. and as far as what I think from a christian stand point? as far as religion goes, I have no opinion. I do not feel that every marriage is governed by the same guidelines, and in turn, each couple needs to define their own definition and understanding of cheating. a couple that swings or swaps is obviously not going to define cheating the same way a monogomous couple would. some would define cheating as the act of sexual intercourse outside the marriage, others would say sharing intimate details about your life with someone else is cheating, still others would say chatrooms with sexual discussion is cheating ... it's different for everyone. but a pretty good signal would be, if you feel you have to be sneaky, or if you feel guilt or remorse, or know that your spouse wouldn't be happy with it ... it's at the very least WRONG. and just to add, I personally have not taken offense to anything you have said, and I hope you haven't either. I rather enjoy the dialogue as well, and I figured if you were going to put your faults out on the internet for anyone to read, you were probably man enough to take in a few opinions [:'(]

dianerene

Anna, I have 4 sons older than 50 years old. My family has been together a long time. I shall never forget what I did many years ago. I think about it several times a year, so I know my wife thinks about it. But she doesn't show it. But she chose to stay with me and, believe me, she had a choice. After all these years I am very proud to walk hand in hand with her. Just today, walking from our vehicle to a store, we walked hand in hand. I honestly wish I do something magical to make you pain go away. It is imperative that you not blame yourself. Forty years are a long time investment to throw away for someone else's conduct, but you must be assured that he is sorry, has apologized and promises not to do any thing like that again. Take all of that and turn it over to God and let Him worry about it. You take what God has given you and the healing will begin. You didn't mention his religious faith. If he has any, that's a big plus. God surely will continue bless you. I will include you in my prayers.

Ishcaboo

Confused, I concur with my new friend Diane. What a mess you've described.

Ishcaboo

He is Catholic also, he's been attending Mass with me on Sundays for the last three weeks, he said he loves doing things with me, and enjoyed going to church, I am trying very hard to let it go, I do know he is truly sorry. He said he wants to just let it die and say and do things to help me forget he wants me to be happy. I love him Ishcaboo, with my whole heart, I think it was just a mistake a big one, Keep praying for me please, to give me the courage to keep going and try to put this in a place deep deep inside. He took me to lunch it was such a surprise, he held my hand and told me how much he loves me, that was really nice, I just want to stop thinking about what happened. Thanks so much for continuing to write to me, I feel so alone somedays, this really helps me a lot.

Anna

Anna, please hang in there. It is easy for me to say I seems your husband is trying to help you put his misconduct behind both of you, therefore, you shoud help him. I'm almost certain that he sees you are in pain and he may be trying to do and say things to get thoughts on the positive events involving the two of you. As harsh as it may seem when I say this, and I don't mean add to your frustrations, I think he is doing all he can to right the wrong did. Now it is up to you to do you whatever you csn to get the two of you back to where you were before this occurred. Believe me, family world is brighter whe God's sunshine is allowed to enter. Please try to allow the sunshine in. I don't know you and never will but I do know that in Christ I love you. Bless you and your family.

Ishcaboo

We were together 2 yrs prior to marriage, married 15 yrs, and all of a sudden he walks, I had not a clue. We have been divorced for 3 yrs and I have never healed. I did tell him prior to marriage,never cheat on me or do drugs.We were both married before and had went through tough times in those marriages. His ex had cheated on him and he had a hard time excepting that.I had 4 children from my first marriage, but he was their father,that was mutual on both sides.He lost a very good job that he loved, I used to tease him and say your married to your job before me. Had friends he no longer associates with, let alone any of the kids, or grandchildren.The first 2 grandchildren he would had given his right arm for, as he did not have children and these were his children. I'm not going to paint a rosy picture and say everything was perfect, but whose marriage is? But nothing I would have ever deamed would have led to this. Nobody, but nobody knows who he is anymore, and everyone is totally baffled.We traveled, talked about our long term future, did everything together. The yr he left we went to Mexico in Jan and March, which we did every yr, bought our new Harley in April and went to Maine on it in July and he walked in Oct. That made no sense to anyone, does that sound like things were bad between us? He had no time to cheat, worked hard and we spent the rest of the time together.I fight depression since I admitted at 40 there was someting wrong, and now it gets the best of me. Unhappy,unable to except this, and even thoughts of suicide. I want the marriga back so much,and I don't feel I am fooling myself by saying that I feel he still loves me. In no way do I think that this is dependence, I love him so much, my life is empty, I miss everything our marriage was.I am a very put together woman, my mother was a very classy lady and I'd like to say that I follow in her foot steps. I am paid compliments in evey aspect, and no I'm not arragant.We could put on our casual clothes and look good on vacation, glof course, put on leathers to ride bike, and our dress clothes and be invited to dine at the captains table on a crews. We were so much alike.He was a good husband, father, friend, had a great sense of humor, good looking, smart, witty, and this is said with no,no exaggeration. He is not the same person I knew, he does thing that are so out of character ,within 1 week he changed.He lives with the person he cheated with, someone who is engaged to someone else, she's a person who gets a hold on men and is very caddy.This is not the first time that she has interfered in marriages, or relatioships. Now she drags him to places she knows I will be,or even the kids, it's like he is her trophy.Which I know bothers him as he has never looked at me.I've been told it was a change of life, as he was 48 pushing 50.And that he is with her because he knows there is no commitment involved. I've also been told because of the drastic change, drugs, but I've never known hi

Well, coping with infidelity is very painful,but i believe everyone deserves to be treated with love and mercy, the cheater should be given another chance if he/she is truly sorry and regrets what happened,if it ever happens again shame on the cheater and this should be the end.

Christine M

[i] [8D]Stay or Leave Cheating Husband? After having found out husband cheating, most ask this question: "My husband had an affair and can't decide to stay or leave cheating husband." It is a tough decision you have to make whether to stay or leave cheating husband. It is painful for you to face the reality of your husband’s cheating. It is even devastating to face the gossiping of some people around you. Some of your friends may suggest you leave your husband immediately as soon as confirming your husband’s cheating. But are you making the right decision? Or are you making the decision to rid of the imminent embarrassing and humiliating situation? "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" helps you find the answers for the above. And more, "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" guides you through the path of the most difficult time in your life and make the decision best for you as a person not only for right now, but also for your future as well. With that, you will never regret for the decision you make now because you are having gone through the journey with the insight of expert. while considering stay or leave cheating husband, you may want to know: "Are there any possibilities to rescue your marriage or relationship? What are the best ways to rescue the relationship? How to trust your husband again? Can you trust him in the future?" "Break Free From The Affair" helps you find the answers for the above. And more, "Break Free From The Affair" shows you the mistakes most people make when they are trying to save their relationship but finally break the marriage instead. [/i]

Brendan Elwood

I just wanted to write to say, i have been married 29 yearsand through half of these he has cheated on me, and is still doing it i caught him a couple of weeks ago he has been instant messaging a woman, and this kept on he would make excuses to go and play cards at a certain time and she was his partner every time, it got to the point now where i go into the room and she is online and he tells meoh she just asked if i wanted to partner her i asked him why cant she she just ask you in the room instaed of im ing you .but to make a story short in my husbands case its once a cheat always a cheat he is habitual liar,and turns anything he does to make me the bad guy why everthing he does is because of me,why do i stay i am scared as hell to be on my own,i dont drive so i am kind of stuck there and i have no family here in the state i am in but i am trying to find a job so i can get enough money to find my own place and get him out of my life.for good just pray for me that i have enough strenth to do this on my own

Fran

Fran, my hearts aches for you. You didn't mention having minor children. Nevertheless, some marriages are not worth saving. One of my sons was in such a marriage and he was definitely the bad guy. I chose to support his wife in everything she decided to do end the marriage. It has been 14 years since she kicked him out and I still consider a wonderful woman and even without nothing but support from me, she has done very well. God has not forgotten you.

Ishcaboo

My husband has cheated about 15 years ago with 2 women that I found about. I forgave him mainly because I made a terrible mistake and had a one night stand myself an act I was totally sorry for I didn't tell him, about it but I confessed it to God and was totally repented for it. I lived with guilt until he had another affair and I told him about myself.He throws it in my face whenever I confront him with this recent affair.My second mistake might have been in confessing it to him. I'm now struggling with the decision of leaving or staying. I am detached from him I have no feelings for him and I would love it if he left,but he won't go.I am not working and have been a stay athome mom for the last 11 yrs.our son is 15 and I'm worried what a divorce will do to him. He is a great kid and a great student.Do I stay for my son or will I be doing deeper damage to him? He knowswhats going on by over hearing us. I'm now loking for a job and planning on going to school.I need lots of prayer. I am so confused. But now my son is my priority. Whatis best for him.My husband is a good father but a lousy husband.

stacy

Wow, Stacy. Your history is very much like that my daughter faced many years ago. I asked her when her daughter, my granddaughter, was about 5 years old why she didn't leave her lousy husband and she said she would after her daughter finished high school. I didn't believe her. Well, she did! She wen back to college and got her degree. Her own daughter will completed her college education with a bachelor's degree May 2007. They both have excellent jobs while the slob ex husband is still chasing women suitable for his own character. A major difference in my daughter and your situation is that her husband was a terrible father, however, their daughter hasn't yet be able to recognize how awful he was/is. You didn't ask but I'll offer one bit of advice. Prepare yourself for the day you will be all you can be and be proud of who you are and hopefully your son will recognize the angel in you. If you think you might be interested in a future husband, I'm sure God knows who and when. Hang in there!

Ishcaboo

I CANT SAY I HAVENT BEEN CHEATED ON BUT I THINK I WAS. DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMANIM 22 AM YOUNG AND SMART. I WISH MEN OULD MAKE BETTER DECISIONS IN LIFE. WHEN HE LEFT ME IT DIDNT HURT THAT MUCH BUT THEN WHEN I REALIZED 24 HRS THAT HE HAD MOVE ON WITH ANOTHER WOMAN BETTER FIT THAN ME IT HURT! THE PART THAT HURT AS WELL THE MOST IS THAT HE WNT ALONG MAKING ME THINK THAT HE WANTED ME KNOWING THAT HE DIDNT~ WHAT DO I DO! SHLD I TAKE HIM BACK?? IVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE WE HAVE BEEEN BROKEN UP - HE MADE LOVE TO ME -AND MADE ME FEEL GOOD.

JESSICA

MY husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years and have been together a total of 5 years. We have two small children. [font="times new roman"][size=3]I recently found out he’s been cheating on me with several women. A few years ago while I was on maternity leave from our first son I found out that he had been talking on the phone to another girl. We had an argument but I forgave him because nothing else had happened just the phone conversations because the girl was in a different state. At the time he told me that she was a friend of his. I later found out that they were actually engaged. I spoke to the girl and she did tell me that she had not seen him but that they were planning to meet up. He swore to me that he had never said that to her and that she was just trying to make me jealous….What he did hurt me a lot because when I found out I started looking at phone records and I found out that even the night that our son was born he left me right after I was taken to my room he left and he called her. (BTW, She didn’t know that we had a child) Anyways we worked through it and everything was going ok. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, like I’m sure none are but we were doing ok. I got pregnant with my second son and I though things were good. Well, last year I happened to go through our cell phone record because I needed a number that I had called and I started seeing a phone number that he kept making/receiving calls from. And I’m not talking about calls every couple of days, I mean several times a day. I confronted him about it because it was all too similar to his previous phone activity when his first “infidelity” occurred (I do consider him talking to another phone an infidelity; he had an emotional attachment to that girl). Anyways he gave me some bogus excuse till this day I don’t know why I believed him. I guess it’s because I was 8 months pregnant and I started getting contractions so I kinda put it in the back burner for the baby’s sake and just forgot about it once the baby was born. Well, after the baby was born he started going out more and later and later every night. He really wasn’t there for me to help me with the baby. Two days after I freaking got home from the hospital he went out and came home late. Anyways, I kinda blame myself for letting his behavior slide for so long. His work cell phone was always hidden. He wanted to go out all the time and it even came down to he would go outside to talk on the phone at night. I guess part of me though that he was trying to make me think that he was cheating to make me upset. I never would he would have been capable of actually physically going out with other woman. I kept asking him about it and he kept swearing to me that he wasn’t cheating and he would even ridicule me for thinking that he was cheating. He really said some mean things to me. Then one day I went to get something out of his car without him knowing and in his trunk he had a heart shaped keychain with his and the girls name on it along with some condoms. I rushed inside and trew it at his feet and asked him about it. He tried to lie to me about it and told me it was old. To make a long story short he finally told me he had seen the girl and he had started seeing her 2 months prior. I asked for a number and he gave it to me. Now this is wehre it gets interesting.....[/size][/font]

karol1979

[font="times new roman"][size=3]The number of the woman that he gave me was not of the woman that had left the stuff in his trunk (why he did that I don’t know) This woman was not very bright and never really said anything about me knowing her by a different name (trust me it’s a big mess, I know) turns out that the woman that he told me about he had been seeing off and on for the 5 years that we have been together and according to him the only sexual act that they engaged in was oral sex. I don’t believe this though. He confessed about a few other woman that he had gone out with/talked on the phone to but that nothing happened supposedly. I kept on asking him if he was telling me the truth and he swore he was. A week or so after I initially found out I woke up in the middle of the night and found his work phone I turned it on and there it was a message from another woman. I again confronted him about it right there and then and he told me he didn’t really know who it was from that it was from one of the woman he had gone out with but that he wasn’t sure which one. This was like at 4 in the morning. So the next day on my way to work, I called and asked him again, are you sure you don’t know who that message was from… and again he said he had an idea but wasn’t sure, so I hung up and called the number that I memorized. And sure enough it was another girl he was seeing but this one told me he was HER boyfriend and a whole bunch of other stuff that he tells me is not true. Given his track record of lies I don’t believe him.[/size][/font] [font="times new roman"][size=3] [/size][/font] [font="times new roman"][size=3]After all we are trying to work it out. I do love him but I can’ get past this at all. I can’t get past not knowing the truth. I am seriously obsessed with it and really nothing that he says changes how I feel about it. I told him that if she’s lying than why he doesn’t confront her in front of me so that I know the truth. I know this may be bad but this is actually what I’m looking for in him. If someone was telling him lies about me especially after I royally screwed up the least I would do is try to clear up the lies. I believe that there is more to the story and that’s why he just wants to forget about it. First of all there has to be a reason why he wouldn’t tell me about her in the first place. I would have never found out about the girl he had been seeing for the last 5 years if he had told me about this other one in the first place.[/size][/font] [font="times new roman"][size=3]Do you think I’m wrong for wanting him to confront her??[/size][/font]

karol1979

I'm sorry about what you have gone through Karol1979. From a guys perspective, I know guys that will lie until they are caught red handed. If he ever tells you that he's going to confront her, he's probably lying. He most likely will tell her something to keep her on the side while keeping you. I find that some people cannot be alone. They cannot remain single for a long period of time. This causes them to fall right back into old relationships or get mixed up in a new relationship that might not be what they are looking for. I'm a guy, so I cannot say I can fully relate. But I know that guys really don't change their habits.

Steve

If I corrrectly understand what you wrote, you have nothing to take back and you are in no position to accept what he may could offer you other than being made to feel good. Making love and feeling good often can often be no more than a few minutes/hours of having you mind off of troubles you think you can solve only by going back to where you should be trying to get from. It looks to me like you are not ready for a relationship at first requires maturity. Please take a look at yourself to determine if you are ready for a real Mr right if a Mr right is ready for you. God bless.

Ishcaboo

my husband wnet away for a funeral and has not come back ny daughter tracked him fown on the phone and he just basically said I tracked down my ex girlfriend from I was fifteen and now Im with her just like that he pack my clothes I ll pick them up we have 2 children my daughter 12 was deeply affected by this she does not want anything to do with him she said why would he dump us like that. I mean we werent getting along physically because he was on medication for his arthritas so i didnt push the sex thing because he was embarassed that he was having problems and hen says to me on the ohone we werent having sex and that is why he sleeping with this new woman I kust dont understand because besides that issue we were great together we got really well i miss his company so much. He really nasty and cold to me when he is with another woman because he ahs done this to me before and when that relationship fails im afraid he might think he can just come back again.like he usually does but this time Im going to be stronger or try to be

sonya

Wow Sonya, that's cold. You didn't say how long you and he have been together but perhaps that isn't revelant. Sometimes long term marriages have issues of drindling sexual desires. Sometimes new surrounding, time outs and other new things (excluding new sexual partners) can improve that sexual feeling in a marriage. There may be occasions where medication can cause men to lose sexual desires (or provide an excuse) or cause problems with erections. Some men just get tired of sex with their same woman, typically when there is sex without love, and find a different sexual partner sexually stimulating(or at least exciting). That seems like the kind of guy you have. I'm not a professional with these matters, however if you have this kind of guy, I think your best route to happiness for youself and your children may be to find a man of character who loves and will love you regardless of whatever. I don't know how old you are but I'm willing to bet my faith in mankind that there is someone (new) for you. God bless

Ishcaboo

Karol1979, I have to disagree with part of what Steve wrote. Cheating is a behavior issues. Changes can occur if one wants it to change. I know!! I have made some serious changes in my life as I've gotten older

Ishcaboo

cheating is a way to get out of a relationship. People don't realize how much pain they cause to the other partner.

monique

So what do you do when your husband finally after years of cheating and lying has finally changed? Now I'm tired and angry - so angry! I stayed too because he was a good father and provider but did i make a mistake

Anna

I just recently found out that my husband cheated on me with someone that was supposidly my friend. After I found out, he put his arms around me and told me that he loved me and was so sorry. Told me that it was the biggest mistake he has ever made, and that he was sure that I was going to pack my things and go. I told him that I was going to stay, but that this was going to be hard on both of us. It has been very hard. It has only been 2.5 months he has put up with my lack of trust, my insecurities, and all the other horrible things that go along with this. He could have taken the easy route and left the first time that I said he couldn't do something because I didn't trust that was what he was gonna do. I've thrown it in his face on a few different occasions and instead of getting mad at me, he has let me vent it out. He holds me when I cry, he does more to help me now than he ever has. He makes plans for us to do things together. (For a while before it happened, he didn't ask me to do anything with him.) I feel like he has truely found out what he may have lost. And I have told him that if he ever does it again that I won't let him stay. And that I won't be the one house hunting. The kids and I will stay put. My heart still hurts, and may always do so. He has the chance to help it heal. He can 1) Rebuild our relationship or 2) cheat on me again and leave. Either one I'll heal. The scar may always be there, but I have to be a better me for me. I don't know why I put all this here, maybe because I need someone to talk to and you have been there, or maybe it will help someone else in a similar situation.

JMB

My husband and I have been married for just under a year and a half. I found out last week that he has been buying porn magazines and toys, and looking at a lot of porn on the web. He has also signed up for close to 15 "dating" websites. He has profiles on these sites, many are dedicated to cheating on your spouse, most are dedicated to having sex. I have been suspicous, but whenever i asked him he always reassured me that he hasn't and NEVER would do anything to hurt me. He was planning to meet these women and have sex, but never did. (This is what he says, i don't know whether to believe it or not.) He tries to excuse part of it by saying that if he really wanted to have sex he would have done it. He has been doing this all for 2 months. I finally caught some little thing that made me suspicous and I guess he couldn't come up with a lie fast enough and I badgered him for days until he gave in and told me. I didn't know what to do. But I am still with him. We got in a fight about it, 5 days after he told me, he was furious that I was still asking him questions about it. Why is it that he is so unwilling to talk about what he's done? He doesn't understand that I need to know everything. I can't stop thinking about it. I spent a week doing next to nothing but crying, and he was angry with me for that. I am 22 years old, he is 27. I feel like marrying him was the worst mistake of my life. I can't believe he would do this, he seems so completely unlike him. I feel like I don't know him at all. How can I stay with a man I don't even know? I can't trust him, but he doens't understand that and thinks I shouldn't question that he is telling me everything. I feel like I might be throwing my life away by staying with him. I am 22, and feel like I deserve (and could get) so much better. How do I get over this?

V

With most men who cheat it all about sex and in most cases that is all he will be getting from woman with whom he cheats. As a wife, it is difficult to compete with that because you are providing him more than sex and he knows he already has you. Of course, cheating hurts and when I was cheating years ago, I knew that but I thought my wife would never find out. If a man loves being married, and I know you know marriage is more than sex, he has to stop and think about what he is doing, evaluate what he could lose, recognize and acknowledge his wife pain, irrespective whether he thinks his conduct is harmless, he will stop it. V I think you should tell your husband that regardless how much enjoyment he gets out of what he is doing and how harmless he thinks it is, it hurts you and ascetain if he really cares about how you feel. If you don't get the answer you want, as a young woman, I think you should move on. Believe me, a happy marriage is a joyous life. God bless you.

Ishcaboo

I need help bad. My husband cheated 4 7years with 9 diff. women. I love him to death but all he do is lie to me . We have 2 beautiful kids together. I have cryed until my eyes were red. I just dont know what to do. The trust is gone i dont eat cant sleep. His bestfriend told me he was cheating. You already know he lied three days later he told the truth. I want to leave so bad but i just cant do it. Someone please help me.

BabyK

My heart aches for you. It is obvious to me that your husband does not want to continue being married to you. I know that may be a hard thing for you to accept. He seems to not care about you or the stability of the lives of his children. If you have family members, I think you should turn to them for comfort and contact help support groups in your residential area. And finally, if you are able to support yourself, I think you should start divorce action tomorrow. However, you should consider whether you'd be better without him than with him. May God continue blessing you.

Ishcaboo

I have been married for 26 years, the marriage was a true love story, until I was cleaning my kitchen counter, his wallet fell and as i was putting the papers in found a note that said,in his handwriting, "I love You" and another handwriting sayin "2". When confronted he laughed, finally admitted a week later, I asked ovver & over did you sleep with her he said no until she thought she was pregnant. She works with him, they see each other 5 days a week. The pain and hurt doesn't go away. He swears its over, but how do I know it the truth, he lied so many times. I love him with all my heart and want to save my marriage, but how do I trust him? I hear his words, but don't feel them. I have been faithful, honest and kind, the perfect wife, I raised 2 great boys, do I tell them. I am totally lost for the first time in my life, I don't know how to start to repair myself. Plese help me.

carmen

I'm not an expert, for sure. Having said that, my thoughts are you should tell him exactly how you feel. All of it. And tell him that you don't know how you can begin to fix the marriage and yourself as a woman, wife and person. And that you don't know where to turn for help. And tell him that if he won't help you you might have to turn to the sons for not only morale support but also how you should proceed with your life. Somehow you must commit to trusting him again because if you can't or won't, considering the two work together, nothing positive can be accomplished. Accept what he says about the situation, even when there is doubt. Remember, there has been and still is, doubt about this whole Jesus thing and we are told to accept it by faith. You and have been together a long time. There must have been some good times. Remember those times and ask him to re live them with you. Hope all ends well for you.

Ishcaboo

This is still pretty fresh. My husband, daughter and I (pregnant) we're moving and due to possession date of our house I had to move 2 months earlier than he. He and my daughter stayed in our old city 12 hours away as I, pregnant, found a home, bought a home, stripped wallpaper, painted, moved furniture, etc all by myself. I hadn't started work yet and knew NOBODY. He was staying with my sister sometimes, my mother sometimes, and also with a married friend sometimes. He eventually ended up sleeping with her. They fooled around 5 times before having sex and she stopped the sex in the middle and said it was a mistake. They remained friends and as soon as he moved in with me I knew something happened. He was secretive, especially about his phone, even though I expected him to keep in touch with her. He treated me horribly, didn't talk to me, treated me as if I was a much lesser of a person, etc. I drilled him about all the time, talked about divorce after the baby was born, etc. It didn't seem to phase him. Eventually he admitted that he put himself in inappropriate situations but nothing happened, no feelings. Then in August after she told him llose his number he admitted to having feelings but nothing sexual! And he was very very sorry. Then in January, he asked why I wasn't very nice to him anymore and I said it was because I thought he had an affair. He admitted it but said only once and that he stopped it. I called her and found out it was the 5 times of fooling around then the one sex that SHE stopped. Then he kept calling and texting her. He admitted to me that she was telling the truth. My whole pregnancy, and birth of my son seems so tainted and sad now. He is so sorry he is in hysterics, even so much that he went to counselling himself and begged me to join him. He is constantly crying, writing me letters, poems, begging to help me with stuff. I would have an easier time if I didn't know he chased he, even after we thought we had worked things out and were doing "good" again. Am I an idiot to stay? We have been married 9 years and have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 5month old. I don't know what to do, I want to leave, but I just never seem to be able to commit to ending it! Please help me!

Mary

[center][&:] [color=#6600cc][/color][color=#330066] My husband, and i seperated for about 6 months because he had cheated on me, I finally decided if I wanted to keep my marriage together, I had to come to terms myself... I eventually forgave him, it took a long time to heal, it was not easy... It took a-lot of counseling on my part, to get to where I could forgive him... Occasionally, I still worry, to tell you the truth... I pray every night for my husband.[/color][/center]

Roller Community

Mary, I saw your post, no you are not an idiot, I can see why it is hard for you to commit to leaving, You have a baby, and a sm.child..... You probably don't want to break up your marriage, because of them, I was there a year ago. It will take a long time, before you will be able to trust him... He broke your trust, let him earn your trust again, Do you have a great support system (like) family, friend, and etc... They are the ones that will make you stronger.. For me it was my sister, I had lived with her, she was my strength, I would not have been able to do this myself... She made me stronger.. I have faith in you.... Trust in the lord your God, he will not forsake you.

Roller Community

Mary, your hurt is still very raw and very fresh. You can't expect to get over that fast. But I think a BIG plus in his favor is that he went to counselling - alone - and wants you to join him. He sounds genuinely remorseful and as if he's trying his best to make amends. I think having to admit it to you has wakened him up to what he's risking losing here. I'm not condoning what he did, but he's not shrugging it all off as being something little. You have to ask yourself, do I want this marriage to continue? If yes, then you might want to consider going to counseling with him (or alone if you really don't want to do it as a couple) because it will help you sort through all the emotions associated with this. If no, then you have to start thinking about how you're going to rebuild your life. If you're not sure, I'd again suggest the counseling to help you see the options and clarify your thoughts. I'm sorry you have to deal with this ((((hugs)))). You are NOT an idiot, no way! You will do what feels best for you and that's nobody's business but your own. No one can tell you what would be best for you and all we can offer are suggestions but counseling could be worth a try to allow you to get all those emotions out.

fiery

Thank you guys so much! I always thought if this happened to me it would be an absolute deal breaker but it's so much more complicated than that. I haven't told any family or friends because if I stay, I dont want them to hate him. My cousin went through this last year and I heard how they talked, gossiped and thought she was stupid to stay, despite her small children. Now when she talks about her wonderful husband eyes roll and I didn't realize until now how unfair that is! I have spoken with the counsellor by myself as well as with my husband. It's hard, we have a good day and then I get mad because I think he's getting off to easy so I am cold to him for a day or 2 after, not because I feel that way but because I feel like I am being weak if I don't. I am mad at myself at how easy it is getting to forgive him and make excuses as to how and why it happened. Other sites run obviously by people who haven't gone through this says there is no way he loves me if he did this to me and that I am an idiot to stay. Thank you for supporting me, and not making me feel like a big door mat.

Mary

Well, it's easy for people to pass judgment from behind the anonymity of a keyboard and lack of personal involvement, Mary. What you should think about is why you feel a need to even give their arguments any weight in your mind. You don't have to, simple as that. They're strangers to you. As I said, not one of us can say what's right or wrong for you and not one of them has to live your life, so don't pay them any mind if it doesn't feel right in your gut (and I include myself in that as well.) Take it, leave it or discard it completely. :) If you want to keep it between just you two, that's your choice as well. It always bugs me to hear people say "yeah go!" but you don't see them helping with any practical solutions to do so if you wanted to. Try replying " I took your advice and will be coming to live with you. What's your address?" and see how fast they run. That's what I mean about not giving too much weight to the opinion of strangers. :) I'm glad to hear you're seeing the counselor, that's great. Best of luck with that. And we're always happy to support people around here when we can. Does this mean you'll register and join us as a proper member, huh huh? Now you know the natives are friendly. You'll like us even better once you get to know us more. [:D]

fiery

Thanks Fiery, your absolutely right. I signed up as a member, I didn't realize this was a membership site. Hopefully I will continue to learn from others on this site. My anger has subsided, not disappeared, and we have started to reconnect a little. His parents came for the weekend to watch the kids and we got to go on a date one night and skiing the next. It would be nice to be able to be with him without thinking about the affair, does that ever happen? How long does it take most people? I need to try to not let me thoughts of it turn into anger and sadness. It's almost as if I'm not just mad about the affair now, I've accepted it but I get mad that I still have to think of it and be reminded of it by..well...it seems like everything reminds me of it, and that makes me angry. Then I feel like he needs to know every time I am being haunted by it, I'm sure this isn't very productive in our healing but how do you get rid of it? I just want to forget! Do these feelings go away or do you just learn to bury them or deal with them?

momof2

I should clarify, I used to post using "Mary" now that I'm signed up I'm momof2.

momof2

Great to see you join us Mary! :D My honest answer is I don't know, hon, because I've not experienced it myself. I've heard it said though that it can be a lot like a bereavement, where you go through the various stages of denial, anger, grief and acceptance but they get jumbled up and you can go from one to another in the blink of an eye then back again. You're the only one that can go through this and it'll take as long as it takes. Burying I don't think is the answer but I think you know that, and that's why you're going to the counseling. If you feel he needs to know when you're upset, then I think you're doing the right thing telling him. You know him and your relationship best. It's still communication and much as it hurts you and probably him too, I'd bet my bottom dollar he'd rather know what you were thinking and feeling than have you stay silent and have to try to guess. I know when my husband gets real quiet and I know he's thinking or brooding about something (he's a real worrier) then it kills me to wait for him to be ready to talk. I don't know if you ever get over or forget something like that, Mary, but I sincerely hope you find some kind of level of peace for yourself you can live with. But I think like bereavement, you can't be expected to get over it overnight.

fiery

My husband was caught not by his own omission having a 3mos affair. At the time of his infidelity we had disconnected completely I will admitt. fast forward 2 years we seperated for an ironic 3 mos period I filed for divorce, he came home begging for a chance. I gave him one, tons of counseling, workshops etc. He IS a better man! Please tell give me advice on moving past this, it's better than it was before. But sadly a part of me for him is dead now. Advice anyone??

Hurt

Hi Hurt, I am just barely going through this so I can't give you any advice on the long term but I can tell you what seems to be working for me right now. I have taken this opportunity to reconnect with the person I was before I got married. I am more independant, I take better care of myself, even when I'm just at home taking care of the kids all day, I am restoring friendships that I let slide. I am also taking less care of my husband. I used to do everything for him, make all of his appts, make his lunches, do everything for him. I think I was more of a mother figure to him than a wife sometimes and that wasn't healthy. In fact, it seems my husband's insecurity has gone up and mine decreased through this, I know this is probably unusual. I am still bothered by the affair of course but I am maintaining a "dating" attitude until this is worked out, however long that takes. It is easy to "change" but until that change is maintained for a long period of time I can't commit forever to staying. I won't go back to the marriage I had before so it seems "dating" even though we live together still is the only way to try again at this. We go out, are more spontanious and passionate. Not very long ago I couldn't even imagine being in the same bed as him but now I feel like we have a fresh start to try this again avoiding some of the mistakes we made the first 9 years. I guess what I'm trying to do is twist this into something positive for myself and our marriage whereas before I lived in denial about the existing problems in our marriage. Don't try to recapture what you had before, make it new and better and take chances..those parts of you may not be as dead as you think.

momof2

Recently I discovered that my husband of two years took another woman with him on a road trip. He was dumb enough to make a video of it. I found it when I checked his email on New Years Eve. I check his email because I have seen in the past where he is on dating sites. After a big fight, we agreed to go to counseling. This was a very, very painful experience. I now check his email about once a week, and his phone. I don't badger him about this, but I stay on top of everything now. He is going to have to do a lot to restore the trust. I have also changed the way I do things for myself. I put myself first again. I am saving my money, just in case, and went back to the gym, and am watching my diet. He, and the marraige have become secondary to everything. My children are grown, so I don't have a lot of the issues that some of the other women here have. I have also decided to get myself a male 'friend' or two. Just in case. HE SWEARS HE WILL CHANGE. He will have to show me. I WANT MY MARRIAGE to last. But, not at the expense of me. I am making him feel this in ways that would really hurt him---finances. Where I was so willing to help out before (I make more than he) I have withdrawn all support. If you have money to spend on women, then you have too much extra money period. I believe I enabled him, I will not do that anymore. He is going to have to work harder, and I am going to have to be a b----, not a door mat. I am mad!!!!!

Marie

Many years ago I was a cheating husband. As my wife and I tried to get through her pain, I constantly tried to "feel" what she was feeling. I thought it never would happen until something happened during an occasion of making love. I had thought she was gradually getting to the point where all was forgotten. And then it happened! And I knew then she never would forget! We were sharing wonderful moments of passionate love making. She seemed deeply involved in what we were doing, participating, cooperating, the whole bit. Suddenly, she stopped. No more body movements! No sighs! No moaning! No whispering words of love and caring! As we ceased body movements, still connected, I looked down into her face. And I saw sadness and flowing of tears. And she told me that she could never forget. And I believe I felt her pain. And we devorced. For a while we remained friends. Even had a few dates and late evening of sex. But it was never the same. Now, many years later, she won't even look at me. So I hope all cheaters will think about what ever-lasting results of such misconduct can be. I do believe some broken marriages can be fixed. I think martial sexual misconduct may be the most difficult. And some are worth the efforts of re connecting. But I imagine it can always be difficult. I am in a marriage of many years and the institution can be wonderful. Having a friend called Jesus is of tremendous help.

Ishcaboo

I am Mary's (momof2)husband and am thankful for that and realize how I've brocken a sacred promise and that their are no magic words to make it better or to hide from what I've done. Mary just told me about this site I am not computer hip but I do thank all of you who have shared your expierences and offer peace and understanding thank you. Their isn't an hour in the day that I don't hate myself for what I've done but I no longer dwell as long on that instead I think of my wife and her patience and understanding and that gives me such a desire to treat her like a lady a queen my heart still hurts and it hurts for her as well I want nothing more than to be a great husband for her it is what she deserves and our daughter deserves to see her mother being treated the way a mother a wife should be treated. I'm sorry to all those who have been cheated on and for my Mary especially I do love you I do. I don't expect miracles in a night but I thank god every night for the miracles I have each day to witness and that is my wife and my kids if she does decide to leave I will understand and will still try to show her that their is still some good left in me but she is here now and I am doing little things I haven't done over the course of our mariage, perhaps trying to plant the seeds a little deeper so the roots grow stronger I love her. Thank you all who have given her support we are very isolated and this helps her so thank you, you are very compassionate people thank you. Sorry about the lack of punctuation.

Greg

Ishcaboo is the epitome of a non-chalant! How dare he use God in his posts at all? He obviously feels forgiven or he wouldn't be so, "Well, it's happened, there's nothing anyone can do about it now, so forgive and forget." Oh, that makes me so angry. My husband of ten years has cheated on me so viamantly, I am now numb to it. Yes, some people make mistakes. A mistake is a one time occurance. A cheating SOB is someone who continues the affair(s). Just because you confess to it, doesn't make the pain any less for the cheated spouse. Just because your a man, is no excuse either. I have reciprocated my husbands cheating and rubbed it in his face, that is when he began openly discussing his relationships with me. I am a returning college student and we have no children. I have supported him through all of the rough times, including homosexual behavior, drug and alcohol addiction and many lost jobs, all because I thought my marriage was God's Will. Now, I'm bitter and disgusted because as a woman, my approach has always been to support him in almost everything he does and that God would see me through it all. Now, I'm bitter and disgusted and have stopped going to church altogether. All the praying in the world never got me a single positive thing from my husband. We have no physical relationship at all, not my choice. We have no intimacy, also not my choice. We are however, still good friends, because our comfort level is very good. We live in the same house and rarely sleep in the same bed (my choice). I want to vomit every time I think about it. It's a sordid thing. I can't wait to leave him and get on with my life. Ugh; I never thought I would say this, but maybe the new generation has a point. Sleep around until your 40, then get married.

Rebecca

I dont nowhere to start, I just need to talk to someone who understands. My husband and I have been married 25yrs, been together 26yrs in March. We have had the perfect marraiage, we have 4 children, 1 granson, in all these years we never fought, we would have a difference of opinion, we were best friends, we could talk about anything to each other and not worry bout hurting each others feelings. We have always had the best sex life you could ask for. I knew what was going on but I didn't want to believe it, i knew in my gut. I busted him in Oct. See my situation is a lil different, his relationship was with our son's girlfriend, the mother to our granson,his relationship lasted almost a year. See the girlfriend and granson live with us. I jus turned 41. I have spent my adult life with this man.Im a average looking person. I always had confidence in everything I did.I have always listened to my gut except when it mattered. I have such guilt over all this. I feel I somehow pushed him away,somehow mad him hate me.I have never liked her. She is a poor mother and she will admit that. She is heavy into drugs. She cant hold down a job. She is a slob and lazey. I would ask him bout her so many times and he would turn things on me, so I would feel so guilty over thinking that he would be with her. She would leave letters around for me to find,always talking about him but she wouldnt put his name on the letters. She always found excuses to be alone with him.I felt I had to beg for sex, I felt like I was a third wheel in my marraige for so long. She likes drama, always trying to get his attention. While they were having thier affair, I felt like a nobody, like I didn't matter.I got to go I will finish up later today, Im feeling so low rite now, thank u for letting me ramble

gina

Im bk, to try to make a long story short,we love each other so, we want r marriage to work. I know we cant go bk to the way we were but im so scared of the future. I trust him but iam so scared all the time, that I will do something that will cause him to do it again. See I can handle the affair but i cant handle the lies, I told him I deserved the trueth, all cards on the table. He told me he didnt know y he did it but he has feelings for her. i told him how mean and cruel he was to me and the kids while this was going on, he said he didnt know he was. He promised me it was us he wanted and we would get through this. In Dec I found where they were still texting, I got very upset and took the kids and left. It was the hardest thing i ever did. While I was gone we texted bk and forth, he begged me to come home, he would cut all ties with her. i did come home that nite. Things were good but they felt off. Well I found out the day I left she was sitting rite by him on the couch and they were messing around while talking to me. This destroyed me. I have never really put her down in front of him, he is the kind of person who has to see things for themselfs. As time went on he started seeing all theses things for himself. His feelings r gone for her. Her feelings are still there, she writes all the time how she loves him and will wait for me to leave and she will be here for him.I never hated her. I felt disgust for her but now I do hate her. He has really went out of his way for me. He is being so kind and sweet. I still feel so low at times, I still feel such guilt over everything, Im so scared all the time. He listens to me and understands and keeps telling me how sorry he is. I feel all Im doing is hurting him all the time. He says he never stoped loving me or never loved me any less.I say thats not true, u cant love someone the way u say u loved me and hurt them like this.I told him he made a mistake. I can forgive but i cant forget.How long do these horrible feelings stay inside eating at u? When will these feelings jus fade away?

gina

Wow Gina, I am so sorry you have to go through this. All I can say is you need to remember that his affair IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I know it sounds impossible but affairs can happen to good marriages and good people can get lost in having an affair. The pain you feel will lessen but you need to be open to positivity. When I was going through it I would have a better day and then I would feel bad for feeling good and then I'd be mad because I thought I was letting him off too early. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through but you can get through it and be happy again. How long this takes depends a lot on you. Remember that forgiveness is about you letting go of the negativity, it's actually not about him. Don't torture yourself, you did nothing wrong. The affair had nothing to do with you! It is wrong to say that he doesn't love you because he couldn't hurt someone he loves like that. It's just not that simple. I would definately suggest counselling for you and the both of you together. Good luck!

momof2

Just talking to u helps a lil, thank u so much. I got to get rid of her. I will be doing ok till I see her then here we go again. She still lives here, I kicked her out twice, but eventually let her bk, because of my grandson, she has no family and I cant kick my grandbaby to the curb he is 2 and as innocent as the day is long.Its like she is a constant reminder. She has made it clear that she still wants him and loves him. C its not him I don't trust its her. He has really been doing everything to not b alone with her and sort of being mean to her hoping she will move on. He spends every momenmt he can with me and we leave every chance we can. We r basically raising the granbaby, she is always on drugs, pills mainly. I went out of my way and told her she needs help, some kind of rehab. That we would take care of the baby and support her but she has to get help.I tried to b nice but she hates me as much as I hate her, Im still scared when thay are alone. I think should I go listen, should I jus walk in, should i act like it don't bother me, should i make a big deal out of it, so far it has worked out but I still worry. We have talked about counselling and it is still a possablity. Thank u again for lending me ur ear.

gina

TO JANE

celena

i also met the woman he was with . she has 5 children and still married to her husband for the past 18 years.the only reason i didnt call her husband and inform him is because she says he beats her and i grew up with an abusive father i wouldnt wish that on anyone.

h

To JMB...I to found out just recently that my husband of 10 yrs. (we been together for 23 yrs.)cheated on me 5 yrs ago with a neighbor. I feel I pushed the two together because her marriage was on the rocks and her mom had just died and she needed someone to talk too! Well what a fool I was...her and her husband at the time were our friends, the only reason that she befriended me was to get to my husband. She would comment on how jealous she was of our relationship, time with our two children etc. She set her sights on him and I kept telling him that she was hot on his tail, and he chose to ignore the warning signs. That is just part of a woman's intuition!!! She'd only stop over when I was out of town for the weekend. When I confronted her with my suspicions she denied the whole thing. Yea, like I would believe her. My husband was torqued at me for not trusting and believing in him! I wanted so badly to believe that nothing had happened, but there always was that feeling that things just aren't right. Well last Oct. my husband left me and our two kids 11 & 5 and moved into his parents basement apartment. He said he was sick of the fights and finances were ugly. And that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of life. I had to deal with our two kids having emotional meltdowns, trying to pick up the pieces of what was left of our family and move on, all the while missing work because of emotional breakdowns and becoming violently ill because of the stress and heartbreak. Really how many times a day can one person throw up? Well I found out...we are back together now, and working things out, but she found out that we had seperated and decided to try to weasel her way back in...she came over one afternoon to tell him that she would "wait forever", and that she could treat him soooo much better than I ever could and did! He told her to get the *@6* out. But I just recently found out that during our seperation that he put his name on her lease for a house because she has bad credit. His response to that was because he felt sorry for her. OOOOW did he once care how the kids and I were doing? Did he care that I couldn't afford to make the mortgage payments and we'd loose the house to foreclosue...I don't know....I do know that her and her best friend are going to try their hardest to break us up. What's next am I going to find the kids' cats boiling in a kettle on the stove??? The woman (and I say that lightly)is psychotic and living in a fantasy world. He knows that the trust is not there anymore, maybe someday but not now. He has cried and told me that he made a huge mistake and that he is going to do anything and everything to prove himself to me because the kids and I are his world. I want so badly to believe him and try not to dwell on it, but there is going to be those moments that can't be helped, when things come flooding back at you...we are getting along really good...I am not letting my guard down just yet, but I don't want to live my life going over it continuesly. Things can't heal that way. He is now taking more time off for the kids and I, something he didn't do alot of before and is making a honest effort on working on us. You and I have alot in commen and I would love to keep in contact and maybe we can help each other through the ruff and tuff times. hope to hear from you soon...The one thing that helped me through the hardest times was I "let go and let God take over" I'm not the most religious person but I do believe in him and when I did that things seemed to "brighten up" a bit. But you have to completely let go of everything and let HIM take over. Don't make the mistake that "two wrongs make a right"...cuz I had thought many times to cheat on him, but that is not going to make matters better, only worse. If you truly love him and vise verse things will eventually come together...I to believe that it can make a better relationship but it's not going to happen overnight and it's going to take effort on both parts. He has listen to me vent my frustration and has listened without getting upset and told me he understands and that I have every right to be feeling the way I do.

S L

Rebecca, I am a 77 year old overly blessed man. I am truly sorry that you do see God as I do. I detect serious bitterness in you and to this guy who believes in a Hevenly Father, that bitterness can lead to self destruction. The pain, sadness, negativity you fell is obviously of your own doing. To cheat on your huband as a means of paying back hor his cheating is the way losers fight back. You need to control yourself and give God another chance. I believe in Him and have every right to use His name to promote how I feel about forgiveness. I do thank you for acknowledge my using God in my posting.

Ishcaboo

[size=3][font="times new roman"]Marriage is an institution that appears to have lost it’s sanctity. Infidelity is higher than ever and marriages fail more often than they succeed. Infidelity is of course the biggest reason and while most spouses never find out about their cheating mate, those that do are left devastated and unable to trust. While divorce is the most common result most betrayed spouses did not want to get divorced. They simply couldn’t work through the pain of being betrayed and the residual anxiety of not being able to trust their husband or wife. I’ve written a blog, for those spouses who may have dealt with infidelity or those who suspect it. http://howtomakemarriagework.blogspot.com/ [/font][/size] [size=3][font="times new roman"] [/font][/size] [size=3][font="times new roman"]If you care to check it out I would strongly suggest it. [/font][/size] [size=3][font="times new roman"] [/font][/size]This blog contains some very helpful information including warning signs of possible infidelity as well as some resources you can refer to if you wish to safeguard your marriage from infidelity or repair your marriage after infidelity.

rh

[font="times new roman"][size=3] Sorry...still [/size][/font]

rh

I just googled women with cheating husbands and found this place. I have been married for 4 years now and suspected my husband of cheating through various circumstances 12 times now. I am numb inside and MAD AS HELL! There is such a conglomeration of emotions it is unreal. The latest was Friday night when he came home from work @ 6am. I believed him until ANOTHER womans husband calls ME @ home and says my husband was at his house!!!!!!!!! HOW do YOU cope?? I am scared of being alone. I was with the father of my children 7 yrs and REFUSED to get married for this very reason, ans I met what I THOUGHT was my knight on a white hoarse!! Guess what THEY are extinct!!!!!! He wants to make it all better with promises and SEX!!! The last thing I want is to be touched much less to talk to him. I have been NOTHING but a good, faithful, "OBIDIENT" wife in the bedroom and out and WHY???? I have always heard what one wont do another will so I have DONE it!!! For what? My brother in law(my husbands TWIN) constantly cheats, but says it is because his wife is well completly opposite of me(to make a long story short) not to be comparing but it is what it is, but I MADE it that way. I seen him doing it so I doneeverything different to keep "MY HUSBAND" happy. yet I am no better off than her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1[sm=icon_talk.gif] to be honest I just want to go out and get DRUNK one good time. I dont do anything except work and stay home always being the good wife. Shoot I never drink maybe once a year no exageration and yet I want to so bad now but I know that wont solve anytihng only make it worse. ALOT worse because I know where the other woman lives. PS FYI it was his high school sweetheart to make it even better!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

momof 3 sons

to "mom of 3 sons" stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up trying to figure out what YOU have done wrong! Obviously he has the problem, not you. Take it from someone who has been cheated on. Please do what it takes to take care of yourself and your sons. I know "easier said than done" but you have to take yourself out of this hurtful situation. I to was very scared of being alone, but I have very good friends to lean on and cry on their shoulder. That is what you need to do. Don't try to keep this all inside, you need to vent to someone, and I am a very good listener, maybe don't always have the best advise but I do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. My husband only cheated the one time, but isn't once enough? Thank God he realized that HE was wrong and took the blame for what he had done. Sure I was not the "picture perfect wife", but who is? Please read my comment posted above it will kinda explain my situation and what I went and am going through. I hope the best for you, it won't be easy, probably the hardest thing in your life to go through! Your husband needs to figure out what he wants out of life, he can't keep doing this to you and the kids, and you can't keep allowing him to do this to you. This is a test of your strength, show to him that YOU are not going to allow this anymore and that he has to be a man and take responsibility for what he is doing to you and the kids. If he cares, he will change and come to his senses that he has all that he needs right if front of him...a devoted, loving wife and mother that GIVES all to her family. Do whatever it takes to NOT let him break you down any more than you already are. It is hard as Hell not to but you have to be strong for yourself and your kids.

S L

I want to thank you sooooooo much for your words of encouragement!!!! As of last night, he came in telling me how sorry and wrong he was for ALL he has done to me. The problem isI have heard it all before!!! The bigger problem is even though I am still mad and yet just want to block it out and move on, be done with it, yet I don't want to let him think it is all "GOOD" because it is far from that. How do I let him know this is far from over without constantly reliving it? He swears he is going to make it up to me, I don't believe it will last, it never does, but I ALWAYS try to give him a chance to prove me wrong, just this time I don't want to walk around like my head is in the clouds completly oblivious to all that has happened. Then he will think talking a good game is a free pas to do whatever he wants again. i told him I dont want THIS anymore, but I am not ready to let go for some unknowing CRAZY reason. i want to wake up from this nightmare!!!! the thing with him is if I play "NICE" he tends to think all is well when it is far from that!!! Anyway believe it or not, talking to you or just venting has mad me feel so much better. actually reading all the other posts knowing that I am not the only woman dealng with this! Thank you again for listening and responding. We'll call this "MY" therapy. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I am not from where I live so the only people I know knew my husband first and you know how that goes!!!!! I needed this place more than you could imagine!!!!![sm=Fever.gif][sm=icon_confused.gif]

momof 3 sons

[font="tahoma"]I'm married for almost 4 yrs now and with 1 child.I found out recently that my husband cheated on me 2 years ago before he got me pregnant because I found out that he got me infected. I ask him how did it happened and he confess everything.I was away for a 3 yrs since I'm working oversea and we only see each other 2 to 3 tyms in a year. He said things happened only for fun coz he did it only 4 times in 4 months and b4 he got me pregnant he already regret what he did .I was so shocked whe I heard those words. I really cant believe that he cheated on me.I got nothing to do unless cried and cried trying to figure out why things happened. He ask forgiveness to me and to my family he even cried begging for forgiveness to them that he really regret a lot and promise not to do it again for he cannot afford to lose us. Does he deserve a second chance? Does he really regret what he does? I want to have a peace of mind.... HOPE [/font]

Hope

To mom of 3 sons: I am very happy that I can help even if it is just a word or two of encouragement. The only way you are going to believe him is by his actions, what does he do when you are upset about the situation? Does he get defensive or does he play the "I know, I know" game...turn the tables on him and give him the "cold shoulder" for awhile. Let him "think" you can manage without him, maybe that will scare the hell out of him. Sometimes a shock will set them straight! Take yourself out of his "game" and start doing things for yourself with your kids and sometimes without. Let him wonder what YOU are doing...I'm not encouraging you to do something wrong, just mysterious to him. From what I read you don't have any of your own friends or family within a close range to talk to, that bites! It's like he basically has you where he wants you... ALONE! Nobody to turn to when you need somebody. Is he a control freak by chance? Your stuck at home to take care of the kids and house and he has free roam to come and go as He pleases, kind of a "do as I say, not as I do" person? I hope not cuz honey that personality is an issue in itself. Majority of the time they will lead you to believe that they have stopped the cheating, just so you let your gaurd down and think things are going fine, and be right back at it again...I hope like hell this doesn't happen to myself, but I am not letting my gaurd down just yet, and don't plan to anytime soon! Just be cautiuos of the showering of gifts, or the "things seem to good to fast situations...I have that feeling that he is taking you for grantit, that you will always be there no matter what, that is why I say you have to do things for yourself and let him wonder if you even need him. I certainly did...I had an apartment rented out for just the kids and I and had lead him to believe I was moving on, (which is what my plan was) believe me it wasn't easy 23 yrs with the same person is not easy to get over and move on, considering I'm only 38 yrs. old. I did what I had to do, what I felt was right for myself and the kids! I cried the whole time I filled out papers for public assistance, and child support. I kept making excuses for him and blaming myself, but in actualality, it was him, not me that messed us up. Sure it takes two, if that slag was laying on my doorstep dying of thirst or starvation, I would shut the door in her face, that's how much I hate that so called person...I would even drive by her if she had gotten into a serious car accident and needed help. Something I would have to answer to at the "Pearly Gates" but right now, it's justified! See how easy it is to let the bitterness take over, and to let the floodgates swing w-i-d-e open. Not something that I want to happen but it does, and you can't NOT let it happen, your only human...it's only natural to have those feelings, and hatred feeling towards another person(s). Believe me there are times I look at him and want to inflict equal amounts of pain on him as he did me, but two wrongs don't make a right! You need to take a step back and figure out if you foresee this situation ever getting better or if you need to take the next step and remove yourself and kids from this heartache. Hope to hear from you again soon...hang in their babe, and know that I am here for you! P.S. I think I would even remove her from her car and leave a couple of size 9 bootprints on her butterface! Just a bit of bitter humor...but I wouldn't put it past myself to actually do it! Haa take that *****!!!!

S L

[sm=icon_duel.gif]I am constantly fighting myself(re: the smileys me being humorous) over this situation. He is really sucking up right now. More than ever before. Either he is really regretful or he was a really bad boy!!!!! Then again I refuse to discuss the situation at all. i am not ready and I don't want to make any irrational decisions so when I am ready I will but not until. To be honest I am just soaking in all the rare attention from him. When that stops I'll talk then. I am really greatful for your words. You are right, I have no one here. I have my mother in law, she is the closest thing I have to a confidant, but after all she is HIS mom so I still have to be careful of what I say. Well I have to go for now my children will be home soon. Thanks for all!!!!! I'll be back with an update.

momof 3 sons

I completely understand the wanting to soak in all of his attention! You deserve it and lets face it isn't that what a women needs and deserves. Not that our men don't by any means. I live by the antige (did I spell that right??)women like to hear and men like to see. Meaning we like to hear that we are loved and appreciated and men like to see that they are appreciated and loved, and we all have our own way of showing and saying how and why. I'm glad to hear that you are taking some time and not going to make a hasty decision, something that you may regret later on. You are the only one that truly knows and understands the situation, I can empathize with you for the most part...I just hope he's not smoothing it over so you let your guard down. I not trying to put thoughts into your mind, just giving you a heads up, something to look out for. I truly hope that he is being genuine and wants to prove himself to you. When we decided to work things out, I can honestly say he wasn't in it whole heartely. I remember one Sat. nite that we got into and argument and I'm the type if I want to talk it's right know not tomorrow etc. Well anyway he was being cocky and giving me smart-A answers and I looked at him and said "I f-n hate you and stay the f out of my life" OOOOOWH was that an eye opener for him. I truly don't know what he was thinging or feeling at that time, but he was awfully quiet and withdrawn the next day. Not angry or upset ...just a "beaten down" look on his face. I spend the most part of the rest of the day packing things to move the kids and I into my apartment. I was not going to give the apt. up just yet. I had 95% of my stuff moved in at this point, and I think he then realized that "hey she's serious, she's moving on and it don't necessarily include me!" That's what I assume he was thinking, wouldn't we love to pick apart their brain some moments...they say women are hard to understand-ugh. I better go hope the best for you and stay strong! I'll be waitin' to hear from you soon!

S L

Thanks for the heads up, that is exactly what I am thnking that is what I fear anyway. But not about letting my guard down, the fear is IF and when the much DESERVED attention subsides that all H3*@ is gonna break. In my mind his acions NOW are the way they had BEST stay for a long time to come otherwise he can just pack up and go because I am a good woman and I DO deserve to be treated accordingly and I will NOT continue to sell myself short anymore. This IS what I have said in the mix of all that is going on. FED UP doesn't even begin to cover it! And he knows that if nothing else @ this point! No I am not acting like a b!@$h even though I feel it would be justified. BUT the moment things revert to the way they were the gloves are coming off. I told him he can treat me the way he does everybody else (better) or be without me. I am not holding him hostage and after my altimatum like it or leave it @ this point I don't care!! (until Im alone) but he doesn't know that part!!!!!![sm=icon_sing.gif] 8-) Anyway again I am so appreciative to have you to "listen" o me and help me htrough all this MESS. Until next time............... Thank You[sm=icon_wave.gif]

momof 3 sons

PS.......... I started to do the phone call (you arent anything but a peice of $h*% W&*#e and yada yada yada) to ms thing, but that is so "high school" soooooooooo when I DO see her which I WILL this is a small town after all, NON violently inadvertanly with the mouth of a LADY( as my mom would say) "show" her a what a REAL woman is!! FYI a funny tidbit, when her husband (soon to be ex) caught mine in her house, they got into a fight and my husband won completly. This is a little ol guy and my husband isnt so little, but the little guy had B@l!z enough to try my husband, when I called her and asked I said and I QUOTE, I am calling you WOMAN TO WOMAN, don't BS me and play me for a fool, be a f*#@ n woman and tell me what the H3!l is going on. Again WOMAN TO WOMAN!!!! And she played stupid denying it completly!! Well the moral here is even AFTER my husband wrestled with her husband and "won" he called MY house and my husband answered and he TOLD my husband he wanted to talk to ME! Gotta say she needs to learn something from him because the little guy has courage after all that.!!!! I guess thats the difference in when you are wronged or the one doing the wrong! I just have to remember to leave the potty mouth out when I finally see her, because my mother inlaw said make her feel like trash without making yourself look the same or worse. To handle it in a way I can hold my had high as I walk away with NO REGRETS to take withme!

momof 3 sons

Funny because my husband dances in an area so close to cheating that it scares me as to what is next. But i found out I was expecting along with that fact our vow was made before God and leaving got so complicated. The pain of thinking what could happens hurts just as bad as if he actually did something. But I never realized how common this type of thing was. I am a christian woman and I feel so bad because all i want to do in return is dance in the same area he does to let him see how it feels but i, scrared it will make matters worst. What is wrong with me that i feel like I can't just let go.

The wife of a Minister

I see you are getting self confidence, good for you!!! Keep it & no matter what, do not let anybody take that away from you, cuz once again you are not the one with the problem here. How dumb is She? Hell-oooooo! Just watch her play the innocent victim here. She needs to stop and think IF she is going to be with your husband...(or so she thinks) that he "cheated" on you with her, therefore what is going to stop him from cheating on her if they ever got together? See where I'm going with this...And therefore your husband needs to consider that too! I know two people that did this and guess what their marriage didn't last very long. The potty mouth thing I would save for those "special" times with just you and him-hahaha! You know when he deserves it! Your mother-in-law is right hold your head high and act like a lady not the tramp that she is. How would she like it if the tables were turned on her, where she was the one being cheated on, bet she never thought about that! Where are these people's morals? I have been on my husband to get his name off of that *****'s lease, which I think is up in May? But he doesn't think he will be able to. I told him from a "women's point of view" that she is seeing it as that is her tie to him, she still has a tad bit of hold on him, and by him not even attempting to do anything about it shows her that she's one upping me. That made him think more about it cuz guys don't think the same way we do. Imagine that!!!! We have been doing real good lately, spending alot of time together and I'm real careful when I want to talk about "things" I know he will "hear me out" if I don't go off on him. We both are tired of arguing...why let her keep bringing us down. I want to think that she is realizing that she never will be a part of his life ever, but being the psycho-be-aach that she is I'm not turning my back on her just yet. My Mom always says "never under estimate the power of a women" and know I'm going to add " who's been scorned" to that. Self confidence is a very powerful tool to have...and by using it will show him that you are refusing to be "beaten down". Also a smile makes people wonder what you are up to! There are days where it is very hard to do either one of these but you sound pretty tough and without really knowing much about you I feel you can handle this to the best of your ability for yourself and kids. What doesn't break us down only makes us stronger-right! Keep a level-cool head and you'll have the situation by the b***s. Like I mentioned before "let go and let GOD take over" but that only works IF you completely let HIM take control. Whether you are religious or not it helps!!! I'm not saying by any means to give up on your husband or your own power, just that their is times when we are not completely in control of everything that happens to us...I hope I'm making sense here!! I really enjoy keeping in touch with you and really look forward to "my time" when we can vent to each other...cuz believe me it helps and knowing that I can help someone else even if it only lending an ear, really lightens my heart. Take care and hang in there...you are strong... don't ever forget that!

S L

Sorry I have been away for so long!![;)] I ahve been working and not had much time, but anyway, I wish I had the answer to that one!!! This isn't the first time with me & mine!! This si #13!!!!!!!!!!! Over the years it has always been one thing or another, this one was just the worst one yet because it was his high school sweetheart!! Every time he makes up an excuse and I make up my own to turn on my blinders so I can keep my "happy NORMAL on the surface family" intact. So I have no answer for you because any other woman would have BEEN left and yet here I am still accepting it like always. I know I don't need him but I always have a reason for coming back or just staying. An example is we went to a concert together, was SUPPOSED to be something special for us and when I went to get us sodas he called his "friend" Sso SHE could hear the concert. Hummmmmmmm go fig?!?!?! As far as our mariage goes I am also one who believes you only do it once and that is the only human you touch from then on and betrayal is forbidden. So I don't do what would put me on his level because at the end of the day I can still look in the mirror and be alright. Further more that would take away our ammo!!!! ;o} [:D] As to why cant we just let them go, when you find out PLEASE tell me so I can do it too!!!!!!!!!!! I think it is just our vowes mean more than the bedroom, and we hold them to a higher standard than the husbands do, and that is why we stay. The doubt they put in our heads of not DOING all we can to be good wives, makes us want to prove we are maybe?! DON'T ever lower yourself to seek justification!! We will be judged one day and you don't want to pay for your husbands sins then as well, dealing with them here is bad enough!!!! We cant take them to paradise too!!! Then he would win all around!!![sm=icon_nogood.gif] We haeve to get peace one day, they can't take that too. That one is given to them and Im not giving up mine!!!! Neither should you!!! Anway, I hope I helped you just a fraction of what you have done for me!!!!![sm=icon_wave.gif] Until next time!!!!

momof 3 sons

HOPE I dont even know where to begin!!!! you can read our stuff and see we are just as oblivious to how to handle this as you!!! All i can say is write it and wait for a reply, you will be surprised at how "THERAPUTIC" getting it out is!!! Good luck!! mom of 3 sons

momof 3 sons

Wow, reading these comments is like recreating the last year of my life. Last spring my husband was supposed to be on a trip "alone" and arrived back early the next morning looking frazzled. I got the kids off to school and the confessions started. At first he said she (20 yr old) had seduced him and he couldn't resist so he was confessing it to me because she was going to call me and tell me everything, so of course he wanted to tell me first. He was on his knees and crying and begging my forgiveness. She was apparently blackmailing him and he was keepng her around so she wouldn't tell me. Of course I was very upset, I had no idea anything was going on. He looked so vulnerable, so I told him I would forgive him. Slowly over the course of a couple of weeks, he began confessing everything to me. He said he had been afraid to spill everything at once because he was afraid he would hurt me even more. I guess the hard part came when I received an email from her, a very long message expaining the apartment he had gotten for her, everything he had bought her (explained why we had no money), etc. Boy that hurt, this came about 6 weeks after the "break up" between them and I guess she realized she wanted him back and thought if she told me all this I would dump him. I didn't! Am I stupid ? Somehow, we are closer than ever before. Although I still struggle because I have told no one until now. I did not want any of my friends or family to know so I could protect him. I didn't even want his family to know because they all look up to him as the very successful one. He is a very prominent figure in the community and it would ruin him if anyone knew. I think mid life crisis was what got ahold of him. He needed someone younger to make him think that he still "had it going on." I admit that I was busy raising 3 kids and didn't dote on him as much as I did before the kids came along. But I don't think men should go looking for the affection somewhere else. I do not look as old as I am either, I take care of myself and have been told I look as good as most 30 year olds (I am much older than that). He looks good also. He takes care of himself and has women looking at him all the time. Now it makes me nervous. I am always checking the cell phone logs and his email to make sure everything is ok. So far he has been completely devoted to me. He wants to be with me 24/7. I truly think he would not know what to do if I left him. I am taking control again and warn him all the time that there will not be a next time, or he will be alone for good and I could easily ruin him professionally. I guess the truly hard part was knowing her age. She could easily have been his daughter. That just truly disgusts me. She grew up without a father and had a rough life and he took pity on her and gave her a job. I think she knew what she was doing the whole time, she figured she had found a sucker. Her personal sugar daddy to take care of her. I still have some trust issues. I'm not sure how long those will stick around, maybe forever. Well at least I feel better getting this all out. Is it a good idea to get some counseling ?

LouLou

PLEASE ANSWER ME:I have a nineteen-year marriage when i caught my husband cheating, and its the time that he spill all the cheatings he have done ...13 women, but i guess the last is the one whom he was in love with. Sex is the issue, i refused so he found her. But when there was a time that i already given in to all his sexual cravings, why is it that he still prefer to go to the other woman by making alibis. Is it probably that he was in love?I ask him to leave after he was caught but never did....now i tried him to be guilty as much as i can, saying all those nasty things...i always hurt him verbally and sometimes physically just to get out of the pain.....

fe

my next to last post was to ARTICLE POST. How are you[sm=icon_question.gif] doing? [i] havent heard from you in a while.[sm=icon_wave.gif][/i]

momof 3 sons

[;)] hello, im new here, and i saw this topic and just wanted to say a few words. I have never been cheated but I know if I ever was I just couldnt forgive that person, they are supposed to be commited to you, you know. Its horrible that these women & men get cheated on. I would be hurt. I watch a show called cheaters and well its about people getting caught...When i look at those poor people that just got there heart broken by the the one loved, it's so sad. Im so happy that i have found a sweet faithful man who is committed to this relationship. To all the men and women who have been cheated on, im so sorry that this has happened to you. If i were you just move on and find someone better so you dont live in fear, and find someone who loves you for you. Bless all of you. [sm=icon_wave.gif] Whitney H.

Winky and Shawnboy

Hunny, why are still with this man if i may ask. If hurt you so bad, then why hunny. I know you probaly still love him, but look whats he's doing to you. Im sure it is not your fault, he was just an infaithful jerk. That proves that he wasnt ready for a relationship and he really dosent love you. Im pretty sure you can find someone out there, thats is better then him. Someone who will be with you, make you happy and love you for you. Sex isnt everything, a realationship cannot survive off sex....You need communication, a love connection and just love for each other. And i can see that it is not here, at least not from him. I would'nt even give him sex after what he's done. Hunny please try and get the will power and courage to leave and start over...find someone new. I wish you luck,you welcome to visit my page and talk to me k. Ttyl, k hun. Bless you sweety....welcome to talk to me anytime hun. ~Whitney H.

Winky and Shawnboy

I have been reading all of the posts, looking through websites and not finding what I need. I have been married coming up on 10 years (together for 17), we have two children 6, 2 and on 3/18, my husband admitted to having an affair. I believe he only told me for two reasons: he felt really guilty and 2 she is pregnant. The whole thing is confusing b/c admittedly, I told him I wanted a divorce and took off my rings prior to him telling me, he hadn't been there in the evening to help with the household chores, kids, etc. and I felt alone and at my wits ends. A couple days later, he told me about the affair. He said he told me b/c he wants to work on us and felt really guilty and the reason why he was staying away is b/c of what he did and didn't know how to interally deal with it and couldn't face me(we have financial problems as well). The person who he had an affair with, he works with her and he is close with her and her family. He slept with her in September when we were having troubles then. He knew I didn't like her b/c I felt they were too close. She also has a family, kids, husband. THe initial shock I handled fairly well as I was concerned about both of our sets of children, and what he and she must be going through. She is due in June. She hasn't told her husband. They baby could be her and her husbands b/c they were trying to have another child. I don't know what to do. Since he has told me, I feel so close, we have had sex (no birth control) everyday since. I don't know what to do, I feel angry, have crying burst throughout the day and then feel so much love for him. She won't tell my husband when the baby is actually due date and when she had sex with her husband. I believe her due date is around our 10 year annivesary. She hasn't told her husband, but it will eventually have to come out. I want to talk with her to get her side, but I don't think that will do any good. I am just really confused and don't know what to do. Some say I don't need counseling, some say I do, my husband thinks we should ride this out together and see where it takes us. Of course he doesn't want a divorce. Help! Sometimes I think I want to wait and see if they baby is his and then make my decision. Am I being selfish, shoudl I give him a second chance? I'm sure my actions didn't help the situation.

Steph

I was in a long term common law marriage. My partner cheated on me and I left him. He has a new girlfriend now and according to her is doing the same thing. I do think women have to be martyrs here. Draw a line in the sand and if you are being disrespected...leave. You need to stand up for all women when you do this. I have a thriving career and so I was not tied to him financially. It was my mom and dad who drumbed it into me when I was growing up to be financially independent...it has made all the difference in this case.

BK

You know this is such a complicated subject. It is so easy to say "LEAVE" but when you are IN the sitch it is so much harder. There are so many factors involved. The first and strongest is plain old stupid blind LOVE!!!!!!! Which really sucks. You know the pain you are feeling over the betrayal but you just want the pain to go away and you allow them to stay in your lives because they can make it stop and TYPICALLY do UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!!! But this takes such a toll on how you see everyhing else. The grand picture changes from a beautiful painting to a black and white blurr. Just when you think you MAY be getting over it something will spark the feelings of hurt and anger right back up. Rather it be love or any other reason, leaving the man you have PROMISED to GOD that you will love for all your days is not an easy thing to do. To the women who have had the courage to do so I commend you for your strenghth and courage. We all will get there in time, its just a matter of when. On the rare occasion he will be genuinaly sorry and you will never have the problem agian. But for the rest of us who have husbands who are sorry THEY GOT CAUGHT.......... Well get there one day. Until then pray for us and keep the posts coming because without this place I would have gone insane by now!!!!! [sm=icon_wow.gif]<------- see!!! lol Until next time!! May we all stay sane!!!![sm=icon_wave.gif]

momof 3 sons

I've been with my partner for seven years now. We're not married but moved in together after a year together, and formed a family. We have two boys, 5 and 3. After being faithful and loyal to him year after year, he did the worst thing he could ever do. Well in a way I got double betrayed. You see I manage a business and it has locations throught San Diego. I had a part time job in the time as well( i thoight I would actually save money) and my coworker and I formed a basic friendship. After a couple of months I noticed she was troubled and helped her by recommending her and getting her a job at a different location where my hubby was employed. Usually I am a very jealous person but she was 12 years older, kids, and looked wasted by the harsh years of work. This was in November. In march of 08 I noticed a cold change in my hubby. He would tell me he was trying to get overtime and would stay an hour extra. I believed it. After investigating the circumstances, I found out not even 2 months after I got her the job she was screwing my hubby. Im 21, he's 25, was 24 and shes in her mid 30, looks like mid 40's. She denied it and still does. That she cares about me like "family" ha! I couldnt beleive the way he betrayed me. It seems like if she got a trill out of moking me. calling me on my bday and she was screwing him already. I didnt know if it happended, if it didnt, if it was about to until a month later. I put a voice recorder under the seat of his car. 3 days later as i was listening, yes you could guess what i had to hear.Yup my husband and that bitch. Screwing. After leaving him , going back with him, arguments, etc. Its almost been a year. I still cant get over it. I cant look at him' the same way. I have hatred and sadness in side of me, and feel like a different person. JOy doesnt fill my heart anymore like it used to. I wish he would give me an "explanation" something. I drive my self to tears sometimes thinking about it. If you truly love someone, and dedicate yourself to that person, how could you dare betray them in such a hurtful manner. I dont know what to do to get out of my statr of depression. HELP!!!!!!!!!! ADVICE ANYONE?

diana637

My husband has been seeing the same woman for over 4 years. I caught him the first time two years ago. I demanded that he stop seeing here if he wanted to stay in our marriage of 28 years. He promised that he would, but 8 weeks ago I caught him with her again. I filed for divorce thinking that that would knock some since into his head. He says that he doesn't know what he wants so the divorce keeps going forward. He says with great regularity that he still loves me and misses me. I am miserable, any suggestions?

Ann

I would like to join cheating husband support goups in the dallas texas area? Do anybody know of one???

dianna

I don't think there is ever any excuse for either spouse to cheat. If one does, then the marriage is over. We are all human & makes mistakes, but this is one mistake that should not ever happen. When a couple marries & say their vows, well, that's what it is...a vow....a promise...to forsake all others. If a man cheats, there is no way to get back what was had before. How good could it have been if he stays? And how could a wife want to keep a man who did that to her & her marriage? A lot of women do, but what are the real reasons they stay? Because it's the easy thing to do & more economical! No divorce, no embarrassment, no losing anything, except their self respect. It boils down to fear of being alone & fear of having to make your own living & your own life. The truly strong women are the ones who do leave or make him leave. Anything else is just capitulation. Some women don't care. They just don't want to lose what they have. I know of a couple where the man cheated on his wife for over 6 yrs with a woman he pursued at work. It was all him wanting this other woman. She did not accept his advances for months & months, & when she did, she thought he was serious about her. The wife found out & immediately got him into counseling. He stayed with the wife, but did not stop with the other woman, who was very much in love with him. He said later about the counseling...there's counseling & then there's reality. The wife found out a 2nd time that the relationship never ended & she laughed. Now what does that tell you? He ended up staying with the wife & the other woman had her heart broken. And for what? It was all about the money & I think control. He turned out to be a pretty weak man. And both did not want to lose what they had accumulated over the years. What right did he have to do this? And in a snense, get rewarded for what he did? He ruined the life of another person. Why? Because he was selfish & was not getting what he needed at home so looked elsewhere. But money turned out to be his god & he stayed where the money was. I thik the real reason woman keep these cheatingf men, again, is because they don't want to give up the security that one gets with 2 incomes & investments & forget that the marriage vows were broken. The trust is gone, but who cares? They get to keep the house, cars & everything else. I feel sorry for the women who are not strongenough to stand up for what is right & throw the bum to the curb!!!!!!!

beenthere

[b]Diana, my heart goes out to you and all who put up with cheating husbands or sig. others. I have not had good men in my life and I am old enough to be your grandmother. This is my advice. You are 21. You have a job. Your life is hopefully ahead of you and you will get over this if you leave and stop dwelling on it. I divorced my first husband after 6 years, no regret. My 2nd one made me a widow after many years but I wasn't happy. He was overbearing and not a good father to my children. Then I met a church goer who was only going to church to meet women. He's a life cheater who is 6 years younger than I am. I'm too old to start over, pure and simple, but he may leave or I may toss him out someday. Your youth is why I say don't stay and hang on to a lost cause. It's better to be alone with your children than to stay and make all miserable for a man who isn't going to change. They do what they do because they can get by with it. They aren't going to change, especially if it happens more than once. Why should we become detectives to find out what they are doing only to stay and keep being miserable.? I say this because I have also used a device too, checked mileage, etc. and it doesn't help other than to be more unhappy. I found out if I ignored him and did my own thing, life was better. Get some friends, go out and have fun. It's ok to be alone at times too. Out of experience I have to say men will lie, cheat, and tell you they love you when they only love themselves. It's sad the world is full of them, but true. I have to accept the one I have as is, and if I want to go out and stay half the night, he doesn't say anything. It's my house and he can't kick me out. We do go places together sometimes but his actions show no love. I used to check his cell phone bill. That's no good. The men at work will borrow someone else's phone and make a call. And if you think they go straight to work and back, think again. Some go to a woman's house before going to work for a quickie, or hit on the cashiers where they stop along the way. Mine finds new places to look, like a donut shop or new food mart, or a grocery. Mine used to hide his pager in his shoe in the trunk of his car back before cells were here. His phone bills were $150 a long time ago when we were dating. I once crawled in his window and took his phone home with me so he couldn't use it that day. I was out of control and I could not change a thing. This was before he came to live with me. He's been a swinger with his first wife, and cheated on every woman he ever lived with or married to. Said he didn't want to be joined at the hip but wanted to share his life. When you become a mother figure or a landlady somethings wrong. When you are out of sight out of mind as they drive down the road and trust flies out the window, you have a lifetime of worry, and misery if you stay. I know because I have been there and it's not going to change for me. Please don't stay until you are old like me and feel you have no other alternative. My best to you. I send respect where you get none. I send love when you feel none. May your life be better and remember if no one gives you flowers, sometimes you have to plant your own garden. Sometimes you have to start over.[X(] [/b]

glitterstone

I found out my husband cheated about 15 months ago.He said it was nothing and it was over,then months would pass and I found cards,and then a cell phone that he used to call her.I can not get over this everyday I am looking for something! I made him move out for 5 months but he is back now,and I do not think I can ever trust him again.When they have lied for 15 months can you move past this and really trust them again? Am I crazy for not leaving him.Pam

pam

I've read a lot of articles and comments on this subject,but the first time I'm jumping in the pool. I confirmed my husbands infidelity about a year ago, just before our 20th anniversary, in fact today is my 21st anniversary and I'm still undecided on what to do. Once he admitted what I already knew, he immediately broke it off. At least that is what he told me, but since I've lost all trust in him I don't know what to believe anymore. He tells me several times a day that he loves me, but I can't bring myself to say it back because I don't know if I do. I took off my wedding ring because it was supposed to be a sign of his fidelity. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because as someone else said, once it's out there,you can't take it back and everyone will have an opinion. My family thinks he's great and it would really destroy his family and a part of me still wants to protect him. he just called to say he was on his way so I'll put this aside right now. I'd love to hear your comments and will check back.

still not sure

alright ladies here is the deal............ [&o]none of us KNOW!!! we all want the same thing i think!!! we hate them for hurting us, we want to make it work because for some UNKNOWN reason all we want from them is the love returned that we have so willingly gave!! I don't think we will gwt it!! I am still trying to recover from what mine has done. since my last post ......... ready????????????[sm=icon_mad.gif] I WALKED IN A BAR & SEEN HIM WITH THE OTHER WOMAN!!!!!!!!! I had gotten off work early and he wasn't home when i got there and wasn't in a hurry to get there!!! The last time I called him he said he "couldn't" talk because it was to noisy where he was at.... I waited another hour and fell asleep waiting andwoke up @ 1am out of a dead sleep ..... still no hubby??????? so i called again only htis time NO ANSWER!! so i got in my car and went to where he was SUPPOSED to be and guess what still NO HUBBY. heres the kicker i had no idea where to go b/c i'm not a bar goer and i went to a hole in the wall off the beaten path joint that noone would have ever thought of. I have no clue why I went there to begin with, my heart just took me there. go figure!!!!! anyway, when i walked in and seen the 2 of them i FLIPPED out!![sm=icon_duel.gif] i am NORMALY very mild tempered but i lost it!! all i ill say on that note is the whole side of her face i could get to at the time was BLACK!!!! I do NOT recomend this, i felt like crap afterwards but it DID feel good at the time. but the moral is he still swears it was a buisness thing and i overreacted!!! he STILL calls her to discuss buisness on her PERSONAL cell phone none the less!!!! so it never stops reguardless.[sm=icon4.gif] he BEGGED me to stay when i was leaving but nothing has changed and i am STILL here. every time i think i am done i find another excuse to stay. oh in case you dont know this tramp i am speaking of is also his HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART!!! so if any of you have the CURE for being the hopeless wife let ME know!!![sm=icon_angry.gif] [sm=icon3.gif][sm=icon3.gif][sm=icon3.gif]

momof 3 sons

LouLou, your husband's conduct reminds me of my own some years ago, except there was no threat of blackmail. I often read about of the advice so freely offered to family problems and I wish the recipients would realize it is worth just about what they pay for. Family problems rarely follow set patterns, rending set patterned answer/solutions useless. I think I lived a life similar to what your husband brought into your family. Mine happened nearly20 years ago. There are few, if any, perfect marriages. I know it is difficult for the family, especially the spouse. A now deceased advise collumnist once said a victimized spouse must his/herself, after considered all aspect of the marriage relationship, whether she/he would be better off being with the unfaithful spouse, who wants forgiveness, or without her/him. I think this is good solid advice if the offender truly wants to changed the behavior. Bless you!

Ishcaboo

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 32YEARS.i find out before the actually dating that he slept with my younger sister that wsnt hard for anyone that i liked for her to do that to me. Then just a couple of month ago i find out thart while i was at work he drove himself to my mother some 30 miles away and got drunk with them my husand said that my mother told him to take her own home and have sex with her since i was working.He does remember her driving him because he was too drunk and then he takes her to a motel,this hurts so bad i done what to have sex with him after he has had my sister and who knows maybe even my mom.why would he do that and why did my mom suggest it? His parents would have never wanted me to do that to there son and i woulden do that to one of his family members espectial his brother.

DOTTIE

Advice - my hubby cheated on my 20 yrs ago, I was pregnant, lost a lot of weight during the preganacy. They worked together - he ended it but she wouldn't stop calling and even showed up on my door step. He had to quit his job and we moved a 1000 miles away. He has recently gotten a facebook account and gues who he found on it? yep and he's been calling her. I found out told him to move out that I would not go thru it again and he could take his whore and go. He said it wasn't what I was thinking etc. He hasn't contacted her since and has been wonderful. Of course I'm very good at spying and yes everything I found I have a copy of - too bad he's so stupid to leave his email logged in. So far I have found nothing else so I need advice - should I stay with him? I have no trust at this point. He has disabled his facebook account but he works nites so he could be reactivating it while I'm sleeping and/or calling her. Yes I am filled with rage and I hate her - my wish for her is that she finds someone she loves more than anything and he cheats on her. Sorry it's how I feel right now. If she shows up on my door step I will beat the Sh#t out of her. She lost him 20 years ago why would she go back down that road?

Lilly

Lilly,I know it must be difficult but it is possible that your husband is seeing the value of have hou in his life and has finally realizes that there is no future with that broad of so many years. My wife allowed me to contact my high school girl friend. The girl friend and I did not have sex as teenagers, however 3 years after high school we had sex and again about 25 years later. All of this was before I met my wife. Mu old girl friend and I write to each other. I told me wife about the relationship I had with my childhood girl friend and the later contacts. I allow her to read our e-mail letters and I have promised her that i would never meet her under any circumstance. I have kept my promise because being with my wife is the most important relationship I can imagine. Perhaps you husband feel the same. I think if I were in a similar situation, I'd try it at least one more time. Maybe this is what he needs. Of course I don't know and maybe you don't either. But it may be worth a try. Bless you and your family.

Ishcaboo

OMG ... I don't know where to begin. I found out my husband of 12-yrs. has cheated on me. We have been together for a total of 16-yrs. He's 42 and I'm 48. I found out April of this year. I feel he may do this again. It was on a business trip last September. We even talked about divorce if he cheated. For the longest time I thought I didn't love him anymore. We have been at odds for over 4-yrs. Alot of arguments, but mostly silence. Before I found out about the one-night stand, we both agreed to go to marriage counceling, because we were not getting along. Then a few days after making the appt. for marriage counceling, is when I found out. We decided that we wouldn't bring that up, at least not right away. After all, that wasn't what we were going for counceling for in the first damn place! Yes, I'm just a little ANGRY !!! Of course who wouldn't be right ? We were suppose to try to save our marriage. And now I felt I had to deal with this other recent issue without saying anything to the marriage counceler. I figured if we started off talking about the cheating, then we weren't going to discuss the orginal reason why we decided to go there in the first place. Now we have two issues to deal with. I feel that our first issue was in part why the second issue happened. There is so much more to tell, but I got to go for now.

KC

It's never easy. I would say be open and honest with your counselor though. Don't worry about what you should say, just unload ...no holds barred. Release that anger or it will turn inward and you'll end up with health issues. (take that one from me...I am an expert an holding in anger) I would say, if you can, continue with counseling and be honest with yourself. The pain will eventually heal and you will likely see things differently. time, though, it will take time and lots of patience...but the healing will begin, if you let it..

ChristineB

I'm 25 i have been married to my husband for 5 years. For the past 3 and a half years he has on and off cheated on me. A little over a year ago when I had found out he was cheating again it took a terrible spin that I never thought would happen to me. I found out he was cheating and he told me he loved her and me and that he didn't know who he wanted to be with. We have two children together and at the time my daughter was 4 and my son was 1. I was devastated i felt like my world had been shattered. I fasted and prayed for God to give me an answer. God told me to stay. Two months later he tells me that she is pregnant with a baby that I knew they had been planning. She thought it was a way for her to be on equal ground for me and i guess he ran out of excuses to not give her a child since he loved her. It was very difficult, but somehow even though he was still cheating our love grew. A month into her pregnancy he realizes the huge mistake he made in involving himself with a woman who basically used everything she knew he liked about me and claimed she could become the new improved me. Bigger breasts, more sex appeal, nicer figure. He viewed me as damaged goods because of the hurt he caused me, and started to believe i was better off moving on, but somehow he still couldnt let go. He started lying to her about us, like i was the other woman. He began to plan for when he was going to feel safe enough to end it with her. They would argue and she would theaten to abort the baby so he stayed. He felt trapped, but knew it was his own fault. A month after she gave birth to the baby he came to church with me and recieved the holy ghost, speaking in tongues as the spirit of God gave utterance. I was in shock. He ended his affair, but i knew his struggle wasnt over. He fought her for two months to be able to see his daughter but she would either give him little time like 15 minutes or none at all. She began to bait him with having what he wanted with his daugheter in exchange for the old relationship back. Eventually his love for his daughter and his longing to be apart of his life brought him back to her. So he is cheating again and he says he is trying to wait out the custody hearings as well as trying to convince her to come to an agreement. She of course now believes that they have a future again and he lets her think this so that he can get on her good side gain her trust and get a significant amount of custody to bring his daughter with him without her mother being there. I dont agree with his actions I never did, sin has consequences that reach far into out futures. I am holding on by the grace of God and i know he is working it out.

Saved and Santified

When I found out that my husband was cheating, like Wendi, I suffered from post traumatic stress. It felt like my husband had died. In a way the husband I knew did die on that day 4 years ago. Today, I am in a fairly good place, I have good days and bad days and the good days are getting more and more. It took me a while to make a decision about what I wanted to do and I took the advice of many good people who kindly answered my call for help on various forums, and started to invest in myself. I needed to be strong both physically and mentally, so I started going to the gym, ate good food and socialised more with friends and relatives. I joined a political party and put my name forward as a candidate to serve on our local council. Suddenly I was involved with canvassing, people were constantly on the phone to me. In other words I kept myself busy. All the time I was hurting inside real bad, but I didn't show my husband that I was clingy or needy. He knew how much he had hurt me, and I told him that I loved him and cared for him, but I think he understood that despite that I would survive without him. I wasn't quite sure of that myself though, but everyday I told myself that I was the most important person here so I owed it to myself to carry on. What if God forbid he had really died? Wouldn't I have to cope without him anyway?I think he was very imbarassed about it all, he hadn't expected to be found out. I spoke to the other woman and she told me that he hadn't promised her anything and that he refused to speak about our marriage to her. She told me that their relationship wasn't really about sex. I think he went there because she allowed him to, because she had set her sight on him and because perhaps she made him feel different to me. They worked together so it was easy for him to carry on with her.What have I learned out of this? I have learned that I was not playing the game properly, that I had no idea about who this man really was and had to set about finding out how to talk to him. I found out that he was not as strong as he made out and that he needed a lot of admiration and praise. I found out that he needs to feel in charge of everything and that I mustn't challenge him. I found out that he likes to be cuddled and to have his feet massaged. In turn, he has stopped being so hard on me and has almost stopped criticising me. He has started to value me more and to encourage me. When I come home if he is already there, he will come to the door to greet me and ask me how my day was. I do the same to him. Life is not perfect, because there are days when I question him motives. I don't think I'll ever forget what happened. In a way I am it has put my life on a different dimension. I am more in charge of my life and emotions. I have kind of got to know myself better and to rely on myself more. I like it this way.

Angie

Is txt messaging dirty talk to other girls with his mobile phone while your sitting in the same room as your husband is that classed as cheating and would he go further

Em

i been married for 18 years and for 18 years my husband has cheated on me and lied to me i would say 11mo out of 12 he has. i got a divorce but he still stays here and yes he is still doing the same old thing. i cant seem to let him go the only reason i can think of why i cant is cause he the first man to ever make me come and that has only happen about 5 times in 18 years i wish i could just tell him to get out and stay out and he is HIV+i wish some one could help me. think you

mary O

i am 24 years old.and i have been married 3 years i have a 18 months old son.my husband is a alcoholic.i suspected him of cheating coz he was never around and come home late at night drunk.he always denied it and use to beat me a lot.earlier this year we went to a vacation he planes it saying it was for my birthday.we stayed in a posh hotel and in the next room a freind of both of us stayed.my husband made a excuse saying he needed to talkk to his freind and took $100 from me.i thought he must me planing a surprise party for me.he was gone for about an hour and my baby also was sleeping.i was curios to knw what was happening in the other room. got suspicios and was infronot of that room for few minutes and guess what i saw."my husband with a prostitiute".he deies everything.i saw him giving money even i saw the used condoms everything.when i started to confront he beated me and drag me infront of hotel staffs.that night he told me to kill my self.to his day he never even accepted here was a women with him.he told me i am mad.hellucinating those things.later i found out that he and his friend rented an apartment for drinking and sex.they bring prostitutes. he hasnt changed and treats me really bad.he ruined my birthday for ever.almost every week i fin something about him and he always says i dont even look at other girls.some nights after our arguments he would beat me and then will spit and pee on me.he then always says how ugly i am and now other man would even touch me... i have no self esteem now.and i am afraid.if get a chance i would make him suffer like i am suffering

skitxo

yeah its easy to say leave but very hard to do

skitxo

Found out my husband cheated on me three years ago we will be married 10 years. I can't get the images out of my head I am still with him he tells me it will never happen again it was a mistake. He felt that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I was going to school at the time which was very stressful also taking care of a house for us he did not help out at home one bit now he tells me he should of done more. I want to believe him he was my hero my God and I don't look at him the same way. When I found out I got so sick I was devistated his intentions were not to hurt me. He was sexual with this other woman who happen to be 20 years older then him and fat no less he said he didn't have any physical attraction to this other person he thought the sex would make him feel better, the first time he felt sick after and then 8 months later he meets her for a quicky and told me that after that time he was never going to meet her again cause he felt awkward cause it wasn't me and it was sleezy and there was no emotions, she wanted more of course she wanted dates etc. He told her no he couldn't do that. Well three months after he was with her I found out I was PG. He continued to talk to her and share things with her after our son was born he made arrangements to meet her he never showed up! I guess it was guilt I saw all the emails to her things he said to her were very hurtful he said he lied to her so she would say something nice to him. My husband has low self esteem and I don't know if I can trust him again. We have a son who will be two I never wanted a screwed up life for him and I feel my husband didn't think he thought of himself. I am in therapy and it helps we didn't tell our families because I'm embarrassed and so upset at times I just want to leave, but I don't want to leave and then say why didn't I stay, but I was promised it would never happen again. I don't know what to do!

Hurt

It's been 6 six years since my husband cheated on me.I made the most unpopular decision of staying. We were married for 17 years and had 4 children. Well I see now it is sometimes easier to leave than to stay. But if you do decide to stay. Be strong, you not only have to work on your marriage but there is the constant judgement of friends and relatives. I had to deal with the "if I were you".All the things that people who don't have a clue of what you are going through say. But I made the decision that was best for me my husband and kids. And by the way some of the women who said I would leave,didn't take their own advice when it happened to them! I stayed because I loved him and I believed he truly loved me. And was sorry and not because he was caught. There is a difference. At first I wanted to know the details, everything. But I became more concerned with why. Why did this happen, I wanted to know this so that this wouldn't happen again. Believe me you don't want to know all the details. We didn't go to counseling but we did talk alot. There was alot of talking, fighting, crying, I hated and loved him at the same time. But he owned up to what he'd done. I know that was hard for him, but it helped.He didn't think of it as a simple oops.It took me a long time to truly forgive and I prayed every night to let my heart heal and forgive.It was hard to work it out but I can easily say it was worth it. Things aren't the same really. Not to say they aren't good. But in the back of my mind I'm always on the look out for those signs of cheating. But the reality is no man or woman is perfect therefore there is no perfect marriage. We all have faults and I accepted the fact the man i saw as perfect really wasn't and he cheated on me. I also realized there are alot of people that have gone through and will go through a cheating husband. And I chose to stay in my marriage,staying isn't right for everyone. It was for me.

Sandra

My husband cheated 3 yrs. ago.. told me it was over. I found out he has been in communication with her for the past 2.5 yrs. I don't understand why I have passified this relationship thinking it was over. Just recently I have found myself bitter and angry. Why now am I outraged... what took so long? I don't know if I can ever put this betrayal behind me.

micha

Wow! I have been sitting here reading these comments. I am at a point in my confusion that I just couldn't sit here another day without trying to find out if there were any other women out there that this has happened to. It is amazing how much this seems to go on. I have been in my relationship for 23 years with 3 sons. I totally identify with most of the stories that I have read. It really hurts to be cheated on when you are the wife and you know for a fact that you have been the perfect sitcom, beaver-cleaver wife as well as the sexy vixen in the bedroom and etc. By making sure that there is nothing I cannot try and accomplish what I set out to do with him, home, and the kids I thought that I would never run my husband to anyone else, and established a perfect best friend for life relationship. I agree that women know when something is wrong even when it is almost undetectible, but you feel it in your gut; and this was a man who I know, have studied him, and totally trusted because mostly of the things he stands for and how he raised our sons.I truely feel all of your pain. However, what do you do when you get a phone call from the police department during what is supposed to be his 30 minute lunch break during work hours and he's been arrested for soliciting a prostitute!!!

Still In Shock

Wow, this is tough stuff. I have suspected strongly my husband's unfaithfulness for many of our 36 years. SUSPECTED. No proof. But we've also had separations where he COULD choose to go on his way with someone else or lots of someone else's. The interesting part is that given the choice to stay away and divorce, he's always wanted to be back in relationship. He doesn't "cheat" when we AREN'T together but stays in depression and a downward spiral of self destruction. He also spent years as an active alcoholic, and since, years as being heavily into pornography as well. (I have known about these and tried to help him) These are not the behaviors of a happy man, but a very troubled man. He has been a church goer, Bible reader (read every night for at least 5 years!), successful businessman, 2 great kids (grown). But he never really got it and I think the same is true for most other men. They have very poor self esteem for THEMSELVES way inside where their "little" person resides and use these things to INCREASE temporarily feeling good in themselves. They also use this as a means of shrinking their women's (wives but also the consorts) self image and respect. It is important to them to keep women feeling lousy about themselves and always off balance. It is necessary to them to always keep the woman feeling it is her;something she does or doesn't do, how she looks, how she has no right to thoughts and opinions of her own, etc. They are angry when she produces good things on her own.In other words, because he really thinks so poorly on some level of himself, he has to transfer that to her. She can never be "more", to him in his mind, he has to be the top dog. It is not about sex..sex is available at home usually and all sorts of other wonderful things. But he can't really stay close to a woman because, on some level, that is scarey to him. Usually, if I had to make a guess, something went wrong in childhood that does not let him truly bond to a woman as God intended. Many men, particularly those who make bad choices, also see their wives (as someone else commented) as the new Mom, especially after children; she becomes sexless in a way even though he still wants sex with her, she has changed in his mind. In his mind I would guess (how does anyone know but them), he expects he NOT to BE herself, but to be his wife. Usually this means his caregiver. His needs, he selfishly thinks, should supersede his. Women, we are not off the hook here - we do the same in reverse. He is there, not to be himself, but to be our provider, protector, etc. We both have naive and selfish intent coming into marriage UNLESS we seek God first and let him put this marriage together right. We must first be put together right separately. We need to get right with God and understand our lives are about building our character, who we really want to be. Would most people say "I want to fail at marriage, I want to be a lousy selfish person, I want to be an alcoholic, I want to be a cheater? I don't think most of us would like to see ourselves in that light. Wasting our lives, hurting others. Marriages that can mend are the ones that find a way to God together and separately. Note I didn't say church or religion..I said God. God is the maker and protector of each of us separately and together. We can never follow each other around, constantly checking on each other's behaviors. God can. God goes with us into every place, every thing. But a person has to truly WANT GOD to be there, not stuck on like a bandage to be removed when sex shows up on the scene, or some other temptation,but INSIDE, where the Holy Spirit truly resides. God calls us to character, to moral rightness, NOT for our spouses, but for our God, for ourselves, for a life well lived and founded on true pride in what we have offered God and the world to better it. No wife or husband will ever make a faithful spouse. Only God can do that. God calls us to righteousness and we have to want it. The rest of our choices come out of that committment. It is sad to me that more men and women do not realize that. Everyone thinks it is about sex. It is never about sex. Sex has been with us since the beginning. It has always been allowed to be something cheap because we do not understand God's value system. Like many things in the world, we settle for the cheapness of things and not for things with higher value. The truly heartbreaking part of all this is that we settle for so much less than God has for us. We don't understand the depth of love and shared hearts in our chasing after cheap, short term thrills meant to deaden our pain. Our pain of lives lived in smallness and insecurity and inferiority, all masked under false machismo and casual sex, shopping sprees, trash novels and movies. When will we wake up to all God has in store for us. My husband's many, many episodes of unfaithfulness, not just to me but to his creator, have been finally revealed into the light. My biggest feeling is relief. relief that the truth is finally there between us. The truth is with God but also shared with another human being. I still love this man dearly. He is a child of God. God created him to be "in him". Satan did NOT create my husband, and I pray he will not get to keep him. And I don't know yet the ending to our story. Will we be able to get past the pain..to both of us? Will I ever trust him again? I can trust God. I can trust my husband IN GOD. But will he turn to God and stay the course? Will he choose to be a man God truly created him to be? Time and God know. I do not. God is giving him a chance. He has brought him out of darkness into the light of truth. See, the unfaithful to God and others, HIDE themselves. They live in shame, even as they pretend not to. They are willful and care nothing for anyone but themselves. They are their own first priority. But can they honestly say this brings them joy, happiness, pride in themselves I don't think so. They have to just keep adding more quick fixes, more affairs, more garbage to their lives in an attempt not to have to look at themselves. Why do they trash the very ones they say they love...they can not stand the inner sight of themselves. The Holy Spirit revealed the sins of my husband to me and brought him to confession after 36 years. You know why? Because even one small part of my husband had decided he wanted God..truly wanted God, to save him. And on that tiny flicker of seeking God, God chose to help him set himself free. He hadn't been living in freedom. He lived in self, in bondage to the next sinful thing he would do. He couldn't bring himself to confession but God could through the Holy Spirit. Not a Holy Spirit who sits dead among the words in the Bible, but a Holy Spirit who is ALIVE and working in my heart, and anyone else's who is willing to ask. This Holy Spirit broke my voice loose in the speaking of tongues, words of knowledge, kindness in listening to my husband's confessions brought about by the breaking of his bondage of lies and deceit(quietly listening, lovingly listening with God's help even as my fleshly person wanted to scream my outrage and hurt); the Holy Spirit who is a cleanser of the evil in my home. That is the God I choose to serve. Will forgiveness come? You bet it will. Because God forgives me. Because I will choose not to live my life in bitterness and defeat. Will we stay together? Only God knows that at this point. But replace your outrage and hurt with the love of God, Jesus (our holy redeemer), and the Holy Spirit (who can walk with you and in you every day). Find a faith based church filled with the gifts of the spirit. If you aren't getting a change of heart, try a different church. But SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD and all else will be given to you! God bless you all in your hurting hearts as your seek renewal in your l

I've been married 23 years. I knew my husband cheated when my son was only 7 mos. old. and again at 3 yrs. I tried to keep things glued together for a long time. There have been others but I guess I just chose to ride out the storm. It takes a toll on you. I had trouble sleeping, he suggested that I ask the Dr for ambien. After him badgering me to do this for almost 2 yrs. I did. He raped me while out on ambien. He had a girlfriend I wasn't even aware of. She gave him his own cell phone, and now he squarely places the blame of his 19 year old son's anger on me. He has said I ruined his life. I filed for divorce 15 years to late. Don't hang on in the hope it will change. You cannot change a tiger's stripes. If he cheats, He thinks he can do it again. I sacrificed a hell of alot of joy in the name of glue. I believe my son has known for a long time what kind of man his dad is, and it has given him a glimpse of the man he doesn't want to be.

lethimgo

I really wanna recommned my b-friend's dovorcement for his wife's life. he has wife but.. he is afraid of his 13, 11 years old kids's stress - his wife is fired a years ago and no carrier and just doing somthing like as his secretary( booking, parking lot arrangement when he is going to travel, documentation arrangement, paying or order somthing he wants). she knows he is cheating with me well. but.. she is still staying with him becuase he need to her help( he is very busy guy and also he has girl friend!). I think also she need his money and don't wanna loose her family. I'm OK with my b-friend. he is cool and always sweet to me. I have no problem. I will leave him someday when i meet a right guy. but.. just curious why she decided so painful life and probably she is praying for her family.also. even my b-friend had physical abuse her- but still she is staying with him.I can't understand why she decided to live like that way.

beatrice

Ladies, My husband also cheated on me, but I have taken the teen answer for this mess (not very mature, but I know I'm messing with his mind and that makes me feel better). Prank calls to him when I know the other woman is off with dirty moans, so he thinks is her ( of course if he calls me I,m at work very busy, so obiously it's not mee). He is blaming the ow of pranking him and I'm loving it.

alsoamess

i was married 31 yrs finding my husband was cheating on me with his old school girlfriend. I found out by accident reading his messages and finding her pictures all over his laptop. I also found a fully charged secret 2nd cell phone with her number all over it back and forth. I am staying in the marriage for the time being because of financial situation and to see where this marriage goes. He wants to stay married. After 1 1/2 yrs of finding out about the affair i still have a hard time of just being in his company. He is a habitual liar. I have been concentrating on myself, spending great amount of money on myself and just basically putting myself first now as well as seeing a counselor once a week now for almost a yr., the best money spent. Women did you know that if your husband inherits wealth after he is married to you that you are not intitled to absolutely none of it. True Fact

caitlin

mt husband cheated when i was 6 months pregnant (and we were married just 8 weeks) and was with her again after i had our daughter - i just found out a month ago!!!! I am an emotional wreck - last night i spit in his face!!!

Hurt

After 6 years of dating and 21 years of marriage, I found out my husband has been cheating with a co-worker for over a year. He made me quit my job when we had kids, so I have no career, no income and am stuck. He has no intention of ending his affair, but he'll put up a good front to keep the children happy until they are in High School. If I "out" him, he will pick up and leave, leaving me with 3 kids (one with special needs) and next to nothing. So, I am stuck. I am trapped. Thanks to his controlling ways, I have few friends, and no one to talk to. I am a Catholic, so going out and cheating on him, isn't an option. Unfortunately, I still love him. The stress, anxioty, and fear are overwhelming.

EB

We'll I'm a 29 year old wife. I feel stuck in this marriage my husband cheated on me twice that I know of and I couldn't believe it I feel like I'm the total package I work, Good looking,Caring, sensitive women with goals we have two beauitul kids that I know he loves dearly but I guess it wasn't good enough. I've prayed, I've cried, I've fought, and I still dont feel better its been almost 3 years and I just want to give up on this marriage. I just want to be love the way I love and I dont feel that it's with my husband. Just me saying "HUSBAND" hurts. When will it end??

Tiff

I would just like to say to all the woman out there that is being cheated on by their husbands!I am seeing a guy that is married, he has been married for 10 yrs now, and has been with his wife for a total of 18 yrs. we have been seeing each other for almost 2 yrs now, we see each other 3-5 times a week and we talk daily!! He tells me he is in love with me, and says He is not in love with her, and has never been in love with her, he married her b/cuz of the kids. She recently found out about us this summer, and she took it very hard. He told her he broke everything off with me, which he didn't!! He tells me he's still very much in love with me, and wants a life with me, and he will be leaving her soon!! Why do men contine to cheat, after they have been found out???? They have that comfort zone already at home, and when they're cheating and their wife does nothing about the cheating they know they can continue on with what they are doing!! It is also b/cuz they tell the wives everything "she" wants to hear, she wants to believe that it wont happen again, and if the wife starts prying, or asking questions, then she is threatened by him "I can't live like this, I made a mistake, I'm sorry, It only happened once or whatever, it just happened, I do love you, I just had alot of stuff going on, I felt I couldn't talk to you", or whatever else excuses the cheating husband gives!! What's sad is that the wives that was cheated on, they believe the lies!! I use to feel sorry for his wife, about what me and him were doing, but now that she has found out, and she has had ample opportunity to find us out again, and chooses not too, it is now her own stupidity that is allowing him to continue to cheat!! She tells him... I cant live without you, and all other kinds of bs, and that ONLY lets him know that he can continue with what he's doin!! His wife continues to ask him, are you still seeing her, and she wants the truth from him, and he tells her NO! What would she do if she really did know the truth?? Nothing!!! He wont tell her the truth, b/cuz he doesn't want to hurt her, but isn't what he is still doing and have done hurting her??!! He is going to leave (sooner or later), but will make it out to her like its her fault that he's leaving!! Will I continue to stay with him if he does not leave??? (and yes, there has been a time frame set) Absolutely NOT I will not stay, I will break everything off in a heartbeat!!! Now I have a question for all the wives that has been cheated on..... Would you want the full truth of the affair??? If you had the truth what would you do with it???It is a no win situation for the wives being cheated on, b/cuz if you show your emotions about the affair and always ask questions and continue to accuse the cheating husband then the cheating husband will have the attitude of "well I'm still being accused of it, so I might as well continue to cheat", but if the wife goes with the approach of "I'll forgive this, I'll try to forget about it, I'll learn to trust him again, I won't pressure him, I wont ask question, and so on" but the minute u start believing and trusting again, and give him that freedom again, then he will do it again!!!!!!!!

MT

Caitlin, if what you say is true about husband's inherited money, if you divorced him wouldn't his financial status, his wealth, be included in his ability to provide alimony to you to assure your living status remains a close as practicable as it was in the marriage? I would like to add a thought. Is there a price tag worthy of a level of happiness? Good luck to you.

Ishcaboo

MT, if I've ever read of lower self esteem, greater mixture of crap and of caring less for her own value, it is in your posting. What a woman you must not be!!!

Ishcaboo

Reading these has helped me. i found out my husband cheated on me a year ago and have dealt with it on my own. I've been depressed; angry; hurt; disappointed; used; and I've felt ugly; hopeless; and discouraged. my husband was a minister telling our church the things that one should do as a Christian and all that time i had no idea that he was living a double life. When he finally told me, he said that this "other woman" was attractive, had a son, and he really cared about her. How do I even begin to get those images out of my head? I'm still depressed; I feel incredibly lost; and have thought of leaving. I found his journal and discovered there were others....I feel like an idiot. I've been in a fog this whole year. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I just know everything I believed in has crumbled and the truths that I knew are gone. I've gained weight and am very obese; food helps me to cope with the despair I feel inside; I've thought of myself...I don't know what to do or where I'm going...I feel pretty hopeless.

Sleepy Nurse

Hi Sleepy. I am so sorry to hear that. I think so many people have gone through this..it is truly sad. I found comfort in knowing that it wasn't me. On any level. You can't control someone else any more than you can control the weather. It doesn't stop the hurt, but that anger will pass. Love is a tricky adventure that we take on knowing what the outcome can be, on both sides. Be strong, hang in there and allow your emotions to come out, it will offer healing, I promise. (((hugs))))

ChristineB

Sleepy Nurse,I am also married to a minister, so I know the scene of a church atmosphere (etc.). One thing you must remember is that God has seen your husband for all his good & bad. Your husband is a precious soul to Him, but the world, flesh & the devil swallowed him up! It can happen. Every night ask God to please take the pain away & all bitterness you have towards your husband & even God for allowing it to happen. Don't take it out with food & by beating yourself up - that is the worse way to feel better - you will never heal that way. Why not start walking on a tread mill everday - followed by eating lots of healthy food - this will assist in your physical body feeling body, which can lead to your mind feeling better. Focus on getting well; mentally, spiritually and physically. If your husband is truly sorry, then beg God for forgiveness! Even on days you don't feel like - KEEP ASKING GOD! Eventually God will see your deep desire to forgive, and then you will feel like a new person - BUT it can only come through HIM! People will let you down, but GOD NEVER WILL! Hang in there. You are in my prayers!

Ruth

Hi, my husband confessed that he cheated on me a year ago. At that point we just moved to a new city; about to close on a new house; started new jobs; my daughter was just starting kindergarten. The news was devastating. And since then, I believe I've been in depression. I used to be pretty outgoing; people oriented; joyful; fun; and enthusiastic. This year, i've become withdrawn, discouraged; gained weight; and hopeless that my marriage will change. He wanted to work things out in our marriage but I've really had a hard time emotionally dealing with this. Some days I feel thankful about having stayed together; other days I'm still angry and hurt. I guess for the most part, I'm still hurt. We'd been married 15 years when this happened. Since then, I've had well meaning friends tell me that a marriage is 2 people and that I need to take responsibility for my part in it. I've had some tell me that I need to work harder at keeping him (which the first 3 months after the confession I lost 15 lbs; bought new clothes; changed my hair and really worked hard on my attitude being willing to forgive) except now I look back and I realize I'm the one who did those things; bought marriage books and read them; set up counseling times for our marriage; i guess I just feel tired. He buys me flowers every week and texts me daily to tell me he loves me but somehow it just doesn't feel like it's enough for me. Only a handful of people in our lives knows about his cheating. I haven't felt like I've had anyone to talk to. I feel pretty lonely. I feel empty. I think on a deeper level, our communication is a weakness in our marriage. I've tried so hard for years to talk with my husband and draw him out but he's not very open and just wants to believe that things are going okay. He told me that he went to this other woman b/c she listened to him; made him feel special and alive; she made him feel appreciated. He said that he felt criticized by me and put down; that I didn't appreciate him and he didn't think I cared. That really hurt me especially when i asked so many times how he was doing and what could I do but so many times he didn't want to talk to me. I believe he went to another woman b/c she didn't know him like I did and wouldn't tell him the truth about himself. I realize that there was responsibility on my part but this year I feel like he should have taken more responsibility than he had for what he did. Our marriage feels superficial and I'm at a point where I think perhaps it might be a good idea to leave.

Sleepy Nurse

Sleey Nurse,It sounds as if you are spiritually "sleepy". If your husband is showning a change, then embrace that God has awoken him out of his sinful state. Please check out rejoiceministries.org. There you can navigate through testimonies and listen to other people who have had their marriages completly restored - to God be all the Glory!! GOD Bless you! DON'T LEAVE ~Keep pressing on - FOR HIM and all else will fall into place!

Ruth

I found out my husband was cheating on me when i found a pic he sent to his email! i also found phone numbers of 2 woman one i now know was a friend the other was the one He told me because I had the wrong one he didnt get caught!I kicked him out he was gone 4 a week living @ work he came back said nothing happend and we went to therapy the only thing is for the time we were in therapy he didnt tell us he was cheating I knew o when the daycame I went to his job he told me he had to be in a hour early so i left before him when i called him he was mad i asked if he was at work he said yes i didnt see the car so i keept looking well i saw the car and at first felt like wow thank god i was wrong then i turned the coner and there he was in her arm's now were in with a new dr and its been almost 4 months and i dont think im going to make it i hate the way i feel e took something from me the only thing is i have 3 kids and i dont work!!!!Now im trying to find a job and truth would love to let him think i want to make it work and then say goodby!I never saw it coming i was the one who i think gave to much sex 2 or 3 times a day and yes even if it was that time of the month cooked cleaned and was always dresses makeup on no matter what now I want to know how can you be so happy and tell someone u love them look them in the face a go b with another????40 an stupid is what i was and will never be again.....

Tricia

I have been married for 32 years. I caught my husband running around about 12 years ago. My life has been upside down every since. At the time our children were 14 and 15 the times of there life that they need there father the most. My son had started using drugs and I felt he really needed his father, so I stayed. It was a very hard decision to make. Time rocked on and our daughter was in her freshman year in college. I told my husband that I was going to visit her but I got a PI to watch him and yep he did it again with a friend of mine. Because my daughter was in college and we were still battling my sons drug problem I stayed. That was 6 years ago. I can't stand to be near him and he knows it I think the only reason he stays if he does not want to divide assets. January I plan on leaving him after Christmas. My son has been clean from drugs and has made a complete turn around with his life. I have had enough of trying to mend fences that can't be fixed. Not to mention he admitted having prostitutes for years come to our business and have sex with them after the help left and would tell me he had a lot to do.

jan

I came to this site looking for understanding of how and why this could happen.After 31 years of being together I now sit in the position of not knowing what to do , knowing also that he is cheating and if I leave I 'm the one who will lose and this other person will gain everything that I'v worked so hard to have these past 31 years.

judy

I suggest u hold on if ur heart tells u to because theres no man that is faithful and perfect.U should continue to be faithful to him and protect ur self by using condoms and ensure u take ur monthly check up at the Dr.office

Candy Aaron

my husband cheated 3 years ago in that he took comfort from speaking to a female work colleague about how he felt his marriage was failing. they did not havean affair although he did send her a suggestive text message which i found she herself married was no impressed ith this message and told him so she stated she was happily married with children and was only lending him a sympathetic ear. years went by he apologised but after a year orso became distant and treated me with little respect and my slf esteem rocketed. 3 weeks ago he was found by my son in another works colleaguehouse helping her with some diy. again he did not have anaffair but he still lied about his whereabouts to me. anger, frustration and despression have all set in he feels again like a fool and i have no qualms about telling him so. everyone things i am a fool for believing him but i know him best and am 100% believing that he did not have an affair (if he did ther was no reason to come back she lives alone with no children but is not interested in him in that way) i love me husband but am not in love with him at this time, i feel rejected, low and i ever there was a wee bluw pill to take my troubles away i would not hesitate. NO i'm not talking suicide was some respite. i want to make my marriage work turn back theclocks and make things alright. my husband has become remorseful and says he plans to make things better and agrees that he has messed up big style, he knows i ca never trust him again but says he will try very hard to make things better

susan

Ouch. I couldn't disgaree more! There ARE men who don't cheat. I do agree that no one is perfect but trust is a cornerstone. Don't jeopardize yourself in anyway. I am actually shocked to hear advice like that. Wow.

ChristineB

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have 3 children together. We went through a hard time when he was working alful hours at work, could not sleep at night and didn't want to keep us awake so ended up going to the bars. Well we were fighting a lot under a lot of stress. Then I find out that he is sleeping with the bartender. When I found out I kicked him out. After many tears on both sides we worked through it. And I know it's over because for the last 11 months he is glued to my side and she is about 1,000 miles away from us. So why can't I get past it, why do I still dream about it, why do I feel like the ugly one, to fat to short to everything. He is trying harder than I've ever seem him try at anything. But I can't let it go. Any advise?

Ellie

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