| | | | She Won’t Leave Him Alone! Coping With the Ex-Wife |
By Kristen Houghton
Marriage is meant to be between two people. Of course everyone realizes that dealings with children, in-laws, and assorted relatives are par for any marriage course. We learn to deal with everyone as well as we can.
But what about an ex-wife who still feels she can call her ex-husband, (now married to you), for every, and any, little problem in her life? Dealing with that is a major challenge for any married couple.
The bonds of relationships are complicated and complex even when two people are no longer sharing a life together. While it is aggravating to the ultimate degree to have your husband’s ex constantly calling him, understanding why she does it may help you, together with your husband, find a way to stop it.
Your husband’s first and foremost loyalty is to you as yours is to him. That is an unchangeable fact of life. That being said, let’s examine why your happy home is being disrupted on an almost daily basis by a woman who is legally divorced from your man.
Acceptable communications from your husband’s ex should be important to both of them.
If there are children in the picture, phone calls between your husband and his ex are inevitable. If she is calling about a sick child, a little understanding on your part will not only help your husband but will make his ex see you as a kind person. The problem of being divorced parents is a serious business no matter how funny divorced couples are portrayed in sit-coms; in real life it is no laughing matter. When it comes to the child’s health and care, both parents need to be involved. This you must accept. The welfare of pets in their former marriage also falls into this category.
Calling or emailing him to let him know important information about schools, relatives, and children’s activities are sometimes necessary too but they shouldn’t be frequent. There is information he needs to know.
Unacceptable communication from her would be anything that is harassing, or excessively needy.
Does she call him to complain about money problems, or alimony and child support? Is she “email abusive?” If your husband is on-time with his payments as stated in their divorce settlement, her calls and emails are to be considered harassment and can be stopped legally.
Is she calling him to do things she can readily do herself or have done professionally? Picking up her car from the shop is no longer your husband’s concern, nor is mowing her lawn or re-grouting the tile in her bathroom. Your husband has to make it clear to her that he will no longer be available for “chores.”
A red flag should go up if she is calling because she’s “lonely” or if she “accidentally” bumps into him, or shows up to wait for him at places she knows he’ll be. When your kind-hearted husband feels sorry for her, it is time to have a very serious talk with him about commitment and your life as a couple.
Communicate with your husband about how you feel. Tell him that you are uncomfortable having her constantly get in touch with him unless there is a very important reason to do so. Chances are he feels the same way.
The ex, no matter how she feels about it, is no longer the wife and has no rights concerning your husband. As hard as it may be, it is time for her to move on.
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Amen to that I have to deal with a harassing ex-wife consistently every week. She loves to remind us that child support is coming up due even thought we are never late and that we have until the 15th of the month before it is considered late on top of that she does not abide by the custodial agreements and moves them to appease her and work for her.
Amen
I wish my case was just as cutand dry....My husband wlecomes communication from his ex-wife. And they don't have any children and were only married for 2 years. Even after I have expressed my feelings. He does not see the harm incommunicating with her. I often wonder " Why am I even here"
Wondering
My wife was physically & emotionally abused by her ex-husband. Yet she allows him to continue his abuse even though they haven’t been married for 3yrs. She allows him to harass her. He calls her at all hours. He calls her at least twenty times a day and that’s just the calls that I know about. He comes over to our house and just makes himself at home. He walks through our house like he owns it. He talks to her like she’s a piece of dirt. When ever I say anything, I’m told that I shouldn’t because they have kids together. How much of this am I suppose to take. I have been here and put up with a lot but am tired of seeing her and the kids abused.
for the love of God
Just because they have kids together doesn't mean it's good for them to see him treating her in such a way. What does that teach them about what's acceptable in relationships? Would she like it if her kids ended up in similar ones later in life because they thought that was the way it should be?
Maybe if you approached it from that angle she would be more prepared to listen. You must be a saint to allow him in your home. If he wants to see the kids, he could come get them and take them elsewhere surely for whatever time they spend together.
Sometimes people like him so erode a person's self confidence that they find it very hard to break from them entirely. Perhaps your wife would consider some kind of counseling for the sake of your own relationship or find some support online to build her own self esteem back up? Do you feel something like that would help? He sounds horrible.
fiery
file harassment charges on all these jealous ex wives
new wife
It all reads well but talking to the man I live with did no good. His response was he will talk to who pleases and when he pleases, after 10 years of living together she calls at least 3 times a day or more or he calls her. the kids are 20 and 26. I have tired everthing nothing works. The only thing I have not done is leave.
Tiff
same problem as Tiff, Kids around 33 but they have to talk several times a week.I.m also not invited to family functions.He says its for the kids sake.noname
noname
His ex wife was abusive. And she put him through one hell of a custody battle. Now, after every thing has cooled down and court is over with (finally) she wants to make it up to him or something, she calls and texts him all the time! O my god it drives me nuts..she hates me!She Will not acknowledge me whatsoever and she is trying so hard to get him back in her life. It makes me sick and makes me mad all at the same time! He would be a fool to go back into that relationship but when I read the texts she sends him I just wonder what she says to him when I am not around. I worry that he might go back to her because of their son together..he reminds me every day of how much he loves me and would never do ANYTHING to jeopordize our relationship, i believe him, i love him but I do not trust her.
nonono
I seriously doubt that the welfare of any pet should take priority over a new marriage partner. ex needs to keep contact business like and should only be in touch for that business. Children are the ONLY exception, except for being in touch in life or death situations. an EX is an EX. That means they go away.
Shannon
I am only new to the world of the ex-wife drama. My partner and I have only been together for 6 months, and I am finding it incredibly difficult so far. I knew it would not be an easy road, but I just cannot get over the vindictiveness of this particular woman. She calls and or messages at least 20-30 times a day, and sometimes extremely late at night. I cannot tell you how many times we have been woken up at midnight to the phone ringing, thinking that something must be wrong, all her her to come out with something minor like "I know it's late, but would you mind coming over in the morning and fixing my tv?"!! My partner is great, shows me most messages, most of which he just deletes without replying to...or at least tells me about the incessant amount of calls or texts...but I cannot really get my head around why. They have been divorced for almost 3 years...and I would say that perhaps 1 out of the 20 contacts made per day have anything to do with their 5 year old son. I don't like to say anything, because I don't want to sound controlling or nasty myself, but I would love to know how to cope better. We have even delayed my meeting of my partners son because of her erratic behaviour. I love him dearly, but worry about what sort of future I am in for. Does it ever calm down??
Struggling
Does it ever come down? It depends if you (or your partner) let her have control over you and your household. My husband's ex use to call all the time too. Even when my husband told her not to call unless it was an emergency. She was a habitual line-stepper. I would turn the ringer off, but my husband use to get upset because "what if" it's an emergency. So, I decided to try this approach instead...I went and bought an answering machine and I programmed the message so long that majority of people who called would hang up. I mean make it REAL long... If it's an emergency, they will wait and leave a message. Eventually, she will get tired of waiting on that long ass voice recording to finish. Make it real long like this post I just typed. I know it may sound a bit immature, but it worked like a charm for me. I could hear my husband's ex huffing and puffing on the phone until she finally gives up and hangs up before the voice recording is finish. Every single time she calls, do not pick up. Let the machine get it every single time. Don't let him talk into the machine because she may be obsessed and is calling just to hear his voice. You do the recording. Trust, she will be sick inside hearing your voice every single time.
not the one to play with
My fiance's ex wife is now into BDSM and considered a self proclaimed bisexual. She has pictures of herself all over myspace playing with herself and pronouncing her intent sexually to the internet. They were married 2 times and had 2 kids together. She feels it's okay to call him whenever and used the excuse they have kids together. She's a worthless parent who has not paid a dime child support towards her kids since their divorce 2 years ago. Their kids are 18 and 17. I am SICK to death of this whore raining on our parade whenever she feels like it. She moved out of state yet still feels it's okay to call my fiance on all matters she feels is okay. Their daughter is 18 and lives in another city and their son is 17 and we take care of him here. She honestly has no reason to call other than to let us know when she's picking him up..you know? Yet will call my fiance on his birthday with well wishes, texts messages that have no bearing on anything..I'm sick of it.
Hopeful
my husband's ex used to call ALL THE TIME, call for stupid stuff, like to put a new tire on her car or tags, a few different times she asked him to WORK FOR HER in her ice cream truck!lol. it was such a stressor on our marriage i left him a few times because he would constantly let her cross the line. when we didn't have a car she would take him and his son places, or talking to her on the phone outside every time she called! not to long ago i got burnt on it and told him that he should not talk to her at all to get her harassing behavior to stop once and for all, he did his best and now things are a lot better, we still have problems with her now and then. Example: his daughters 18th b-day is next week, she wants us to drive 2and a half hours to spend it with her when we are planning our own birthday party for her down here, this is why divorce is difficult for everyone. To all those new spouses, draw a dark, undeniable line, let your new spouse know what you will tolerate. Also what is acceptable, there is a difference between communicating on their children's behalf and obsession! The first year is the hardest, don't let it get the best of you and remember they love you (enforce it or leave em if they don't like it).
he's getting the point
I am a new wife as well. My husband's kids are single and in their 20s. Sometimes I feel ike I am part of a polygmaist clan. My husbands talks to his ex on the phone or they email each other often. Soem kids concerns yes- but much of it is small things like where to find a bargain at a store. His family had little contact with her during the years they were divorced and now the ex is contacting them and visiting them once we got married. I got married later in life. All those friends/people who knew me when I was single would never have described me as an overreactor or jealous. I feel so second class. IT is not about sharing; it is about boundaries and respect. Next week my husband is installing a light at her house. Two months ago he fixed her garage. I can't even write thsi response without my eyes tearing up. This siutation hurts me so much. I feel so alone.
strugglingtoo
My ex will never send anything nice.......ever! I raise his son and all I ever get is a slap in the face. He does nothing to support our child's problems such as ADD, Dysgraphia, and Asperger's.I can just deal with that.
sick of sick oh
The witch as I like to refer to her, has been trying to come between me and my husband for the last 2 and half years, although it is not as bad as in the beginning she still causes the odd problems! The witch had an affair broke up the marriage after 13 years together, they had 3 boys together ages 13, 10 and 6! The beginning was terrible, the first few months you are suppose to be all lovely dovey were just arguments, she tried the old faithful, turn the kids against us, get the kids to say they wouldn't come to the house if i was there. Our first christmas together she runied by not letting chris speak to the boys and then whne I finally lost my cool and grabbed the phone off him after her constant calling on xmas day because she wanted him to spend xmas with her and the boys and not me, I screamed for her to leave us alone, she then said he had been in bed with her etc etc (all total lies) this was just the start, police were called she had a warning, it never stopped though, she became a constant pain in our lifes. Although it was really bad in the first 18 months, it has calmed down she has apparantly got a nice rich boyfriend now, so lets hope this is the end of her annoying us. We have just moved house, have a new number and she is not getting it, she has his mobile number to call if its anything to do with picking the kids up and that is it! To all you girlfriend/wifes having problems with the dreaded ex, put you foot down from day one dont let them get away with it, it is harrasment and if you partner sees know problem with calls emails etc from the ex then there is a problem, just think would he put up with it if you had an ex husband calling to speak to you all the time.. I think not!!
claire
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