| | | | Children's Discipline: How To Resolve Divorce Parenting Differences? |
By Ruben Francia
Did you know that inconsistency on matters of discipline gives double messages, produces anxiety and can be very confusing to your children? Children need to know where they stand in their behaviors. It is therefore critical for parents to resolve their differences in matters of children's discipline. Since divorce parents leave on a separate house, they often differ in their rules and expectations for their children. People tend to view individual differences in terms of right and wrong. The adage holds: "If you are not with me, you are against me." In marriage, people call it incompatibility. In divorce, these differences sometimes resulted to expensive litigation, each trying to force the other to change and stop being different.
The matter of disciplining children can be the source of conflict among divorce parents. Each parent has different ideas as to what the appropriate discipline should be. Each viewed the other's proposal of disciplining as wrong. The consequences of their dispute were that there was ineffective or no discipline at all.
To turn differences into a unified discipline, parents should resolve the differences according to children's best interest. They can adopt the approach as listed below:
1. Make an agreement with your former spouse on what is realistically expected for your children. These should be based on the children's age, their temperament, their ability to follow directions, and the divorce structure of the family.
2. Come to some meeting of the minds on what values are highest priorities for each and on which behaviors you both agree are important to nurture in your children.
3. Discuss with your former spouse your preferences for discipline to see if there is an opportunity for consistency across households.
4. In areas where there is an opportunity for consistency across households, make an agreement with your former spouse that whatever approaches are agreed upon, both of you will be consistently using the same when the children are with you.
5. Write the agreements down, review them and be sure they are workable.
6. In areas in which you differ, find a compromise that you both can live with and stick by it.
7. Set clear expectations for the children at each home. Explain to the children that there are certain rules at mom's house and certain rules at dad's house.
8. Never argue in the front of the children about disagreements in discipline approaches.
Help your children know where they stand in their behaviors. Get resolve your differences in matters of children's discipline. Support each other.
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I am the custodial parent and I was accused of PAS. The biological father had no contact with the child for nearly four years and now wants a relationship. I was okay with this but wanted to take things slow due the the ADHD and emotional confusion the child had. His father took me to court for contempt and lost but did win on starting the weekend visitation immediately after the next hearing. I am confused because now my son's behavior has gotten worse. He doesnt want to do anything and his bad attitude is overwhelming. How can I help him cope with the transition and make his father understand the importance of this transition? He is seeing a Psychologist but its not working. My son is 15 and is now saying that everything is going so fast. He has repeated this numerous times. Please help!
Rosa
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