| News - Marriage |
Thriving Incompatibility
By Glenn A. Hascall
You hear an awful lot about compatibility in marriage lately. It seems this should be the primary consideration when contemplating marriage.
Key areas are defined and men and women consider whether the person they are dating will be compatible. After all, we wouldn't want couples who are incompatible marrying one another – they might not get along.
I wonder how many of us would not be here today because one or more of our forbears weren't exactly compatible with their spouse. How many of us grew up observing parents or grandparents who seemed as different as night and day?
A writer friend of mine once said, "If the two of you are the same – one of you isn't necessary."
What he meant by that is that differences can be a good part of helping each other grow through a bit of friction. Frankly, it'd be a little boring to be around someone exactly like me all the time.
I'm fairly diplomatic and my wife is straightforward. I'm comfortable with quiet; my wife wants some kind of noise on. I like an office by myself; my wife wants a classroom where she can interact with children. Oh, there are plenty of differences between my wife and me, but neither of us would want it differently.
I'm certain there are plenty of good reasons to look at compatibility in marriage, but it's not the sole litmus test for a long term marriage.
Much of the success of marriage is how we deal with the differences we encounter. There are times when difficulties come and one or both partners want to cash it in and move on. Then there are those who seek to stick it out in the midst of the differences. What these couples often discover is that love isn't always a feeling, it is a choice.
There are times when I can wait for a warm fuzzy feeling for my wife for a long time. If that's what I'm saying love is, then there must be a lack of love in our relationship. If, however, I determine to love my wife as a choice of my will, then I can overlook a whole laundry basket of differences.
This actually is a good thing, because my wife has to do the same thing.
Take a cue from your children – they are hardly ever compatible, yet the bond between siblings often grows out of the struggles they face. The same principle applies to marriage.