The Value of Mediation Even After DivorceBy Seth MullinsSometimes no amount of advice, counseling or hard work on the parts of both partners can save a marriage. Two people have parted ways on life's journey, and nothing can make their paths converge again. If they have children together, however, this makes it crucial for them to maintain some kind of connection. At this point the prevailing question shifts from "What can we do to save our marriage?" to "How can we lead our separate lives and yet still try to see eye-to-eye where our children are concerned?" People generally seek mediation either as a hopeful alternative to divorce or else to work out the logistics of a divorce that is imminent and avoid an ugly court battle. But the services of a mediator can also be valuable to those who have let go of their intimate involvement and yet still wish to smooth over their differences for the sake of their children. What mediators do, first and foremost, is facillitate communication. Recently divorced couples typically have a hard time conversing in a constructive way. There may be too much bitterness and resentment carried over from the breakup of their marriage. Conversations might constantly be derailed as one or the other, or both, continue to drag up issues from the past. A mediator can get both parties talking about what they want and what they foresee for the future, and keep this exchange focused on present concerns and on moving forward. A skillful mediator can even function as a therapist, in some capacities, because he or she may be able to define what both people are trying to say even when they are unsure of it themselves. This kind of clear-eyed perspective can help them to avoid getting mired in places where, in the past, neither one may have known how to communicate their real needs. Agreements reached by two people during mediation are not generally legally binding, and mediators themselves - for the sake of being impartial - may not give legal advice. However, for former partners who hope to reconcile their differences without the intervention of the courts, their input can be invaluable. This process can be much healthier for the children, also, because they would much rather see their parents resolve their problems mutually than be dragged into court where they'd most likely be exposed to negative claims being made about their mothers and fathers both. Former partners make a generous sacrifice when they choose to stay connected, to some degree, for the sake of their children. Mediation can offer them them the guidance and support necessary to move through the tangled emotions they might be left with in the wake of their divorce. The communication process that they begin in mediation sessions will hopefully blossom into a long-term working relationship that will create the greatest possible harmony between themselves and their kids. |